All about me
I want tonight to be all about me. It's my birthday drinks. I never make a big deal about having a party or having drinks. Tonight I celebrate my 30th birthday with friends and want it to be all about me. This is the first time ever that I am having a party. Usually I'm lucky if I can organise a cake.
The girls at work spoilt me today. I had icecream cake and honey joys and everyone sang. Tonight I wanted to go out and drink with my friends.
My best friend is driving tonight. He won't be drinking with me. It's be ages since we went out and had a big night together. Usually I drive, but tonight when I am prepared to take public transport so that I can drink, he does not want to.
No I understand his feelings, and I know that he wants to show his lover a good time. I am happy to share my birthday. I've shared it with my twin forever, and I am happy to share it with others. For once, just once I don't want to share the good time. I want it to be all about me. I feel bad for wanting this. I think it's time for another drink. Worst case, I'll just drown my sorrows by myself. I'm prepared to pay for it in the morning.
Happy Birthday to me...
The girls at work spoilt me today. I had icecream cake and honey joys and everyone sang. Tonight I wanted to go out and drink with my friends.
My best friend is driving tonight. He won't be drinking with me. It's be ages since we went out and had a big night together. Usually I drive, but tonight when I am prepared to take public transport so that I can drink, he does not want to.
No I understand his feelings, and I know that he wants to show his lover a good time. I am happy to share my birthday. I've shared it with my twin forever, and I am happy to share it with others. For once, just once I don't want to share the good time. I want it to be all about me. I feel bad for wanting this. I think it's time for another drink. Worst case, I'll just drown my sorrows by myself. I'm prepared to pay for it in the morning.
Happy Birthday to me...
I just want to wish them well.
My world is filled with peace. A friends longterm plan is about to come to fruition. He is about to see the one that he dreams of. I cannot wait to see the way he smiles when he is being watched. I cannot wait to see the way he smiles when he thinks that he is not being watched.
I hope that all the plans and all the dream and all the hopes come true. It is deserved. If there is anthing that I could do, I would do it to ensure that these couple of weeks work out well.
There will not be much time for me to do anything. I think that it will be a quick hello and a fast goodbye. The first time that I will meet his new love will be at my birthday bash on Friday night. I don't know if drinking is going to help. Perhaps it will just allow the true person to explode into the spotlight.
I am nervous about meeting this significant other, and this is not my significant other.
It will be good. I wish them well.
I hope that all the plans and all the dream and all the hopes come true. It is deserved. If there is anthing that I could do, I would do it to ensure that these couple of weeks work out well.
There will not be much time for me to do anything. I think that it will be a quick hello and a fast goodbye. The first time that I will meet his new love will be at my birthday bash on Friday night. I don't know if drinking is going to help. Perhaps it will just allow the true person to explode into the spotlight.
I am nervous about meeting this significant other, and this is not my significant other.
It will be good. I wish them well.
I love Christmas
It's all about the sense of excitment. It's about the scent of tinsel. It's about crazy hats. It's about eating too much. It's about hot hot days. It's about summer. It's about friends. It's about family. It's about beautifully wrapped gifts. It's about the thought of the gift or the message of the card.
Is it little wonder that I am constantly disappointed with Christmas? It's a little bit anti-climatic...
Is it little wonder that I am constantly disappointed with Christmas? It's a little bit anti-climatic...
Work is all I seem to do
I need to fix my sense of need or my need of being needed.
Repeat after reading this... "The world won't collapse without me, the world won't collapse without me, the world won't collapse without me..."
I know it's true, you know it's true.
Repeat after reading this... "The world won't collapse without me, the world won't collapse without me, the world won't collapse without me..."
I know it's true, you know it's true.
Baby's are born
Tonight I found out that my friend has given birth to her second child. She now has the perfect little family happening. She has a husband who loves her, a daughter that is growing into an inquisitive child from a beautiful toddler and a new baby boy. I am so happy for her. It amazes me how quickly she her life has changed.
She is one of my unchanging friends. She is the kind of friend that I give endless thanks for. Nothing changes, and yet nothing stays the same. She has changed and I have changed and yet all the good things in our friendship has not changed.
I cannot wait to see her at Christmas. I cannot wait to tease her husband. I cannot wait to tickle her daughter and I cannot wait to hold her son.
She is one of my unchanging friends. She is the kind of friend that I give endless thanks for. Nothing changes, and yet nothing stays the same. She has changed and I have changed and yet all the good things in our friendship has not changed.
I cannot wait to see her at Christmas. I cannot wait to tease her husband. I cannot wait to tickle her daughter and I cannot wait to hold her son.
All good things must come to an end.
All good things must come to the end. the weekend is over and I still want it to continue. Okay, I went to work both days and so I have not had a break, but so many good things happened.
This weekend is coming to an end and so is Australian Idol.
November is almost at a end and that means that Christmas is nearly here. What's needed?
* Cards - check, ready to send
* Flights booked - check
* Gifts purchased - 90% check
What is left? It looks like my Christmas preparation is about to come to an end too. I'm wrapped about this....
This weekend is coming to an end and so is Australian Idol.
November is almost at a end and that means that Christmas is nearly here. What's needed?
* Cards - check, ready to send
* Flights booked - check
* Gifts purchased - 90% check
What is left? It looks like my Christmas preparation is about to come to an end too. I'm wrapped about this....
It's Saturday Night
And here I am. In PJ's, with washing in the washer and drying in the dryer. It's an exciting night in this household.
I'm tired and running on coffee. The work Christmas party was last night. I worked today. I voted today. I shopped and went to the markets. I've cleaned the bathroom and scrubbed the toilet. I've vacuumed the floor and mopped the tiles. I've cleaned the mirrors and tidied.
I'm ready for bed, but waiting for a load to finish.
It's a good, achey tired. I'm not complaining.
I'm tired and running on coffee. The work Christmas party was last night. I worked today. I voted today. I shopped and went to the markets. I've cleaned the bathroom and scrubbed the toilet. I've vacuumed the floor and mopped the tiles. I've cleaned the mirrors and tidied.
I'm ready for bed, but waiting for a load to finish.
It's a good, achey tired. I'm not complaining.
Far off friends
I have been emailing far off friends tonight. It's something that I am not good at. I am not good at calling. I am not good at texting.
Why, when I am a person of so many words, can I not put those words down to share with some of the people that I love most.
I have been trying to write the ways that I am a good friend. I can't find any ways that I am. I know that I don't tell people how much they mean to me I don't write letter, I don't send cards, I don't call and I don't text. I wait until the last minute to make contact when I am in town.
I am a good friend through my actions. I will go well out of my way for a friend.
I don't need to see my friends every day. In fact, it's better if I don't because I can be high maintenance and attention demanding. I grate on peoples nerves. I understand all of these things and make a point not to push myself onto others.
I love my friends dearly, and while I may not demonstrate this all the time, they know that I am there for them. They know that I love them and support all that they do. They know that when they need me I am there. I will walk for hours on a beach in the middle of the night so that they can clear their head. I have broad shoulders for them to cry on.
I love my far off friends because they love me even when I don't contact them. I love my far off friends because they continue to love me, just as I love them. I just hope that I bring to their lives a small part of the joy that they bring to mine.
I hope that I learn to become a better friend.
Why, when I am a person of so many words, can I not put those words down to share with some of the people that I love most.
I have been trying to write the ways that I am a good friend. I can't find any ways that I am. I know that I don't tell people how much they mean to me I don't write letter, I don't send cards, I don't call and I don't text. I wait until the last minute to make contact when I am in town.
I am a good friend through my actions. I will go well out of my way for a friend.
I don't need to see my friends every day. In fact, it's better if I don't because I can be high maintenance and attention demanding. I grate on peoples nerves. I understand all of these things and make a point not to push myself onto others.
I love my friends dearly, and while I may not demonstrate this all the time, they know that I am there for them. They know that I love them and support all that they do. They know that when they need me I am there. I will walk for hours on a beach in the middle of the night so that they can clear their head. I have broad shoulders for them to cry on.
I love my far off friends because they love me even when I don't contact them. I love my far off friends because they continue to love me, just as I love them. I just hope that I bring to their lives a small part of the joy that they bring to mine.
I hope that I learn to become a better friend.
Here
Where am I? Today I realised that am here. On certain days here is everywhere that I want to be. Somedays here is nowhere and I can't escape. Like everything, there are things that I love about being here.
The here that I am talking about is the here and now. It's about who I am, where I am, where I live and where I go. It's about who I am going to be, where I am going to be and who I am going to be with. It's about what has shaped who I am, the events that have marked where I have been and the dreams that indicate what I should be working about.
With the everyday things, I am relatively happy. With the things that are from the past, I am resigned. With the things from the future, I am unsure and fairly unconcerned.
I want to work towards somewhere else. I want to work towards being more than I am. I want to find the someone I need to be with. I want to change my career path to feel more contented.
I need to make a list, stick it on the wall and tick it off as things are achieved. To do this I need to decide where I am now, where I have been and where I reall want to be.
I've got to find a focus. I've got to define my goals. I have to learn to be more that I am. It's about the little things that are missing. I will continue to look for them and hold them close when they are found.
The here that I am talking about is the here and now. It's about who I am, where I am, where I live and where I go. It's about who I am going to be, where I am going to be and who I am going to be with. It's about what has shaped who I am, the events that have marked where I have been and the dreams that indicate what I should be working about.
With the everyday things, I am relatively happy. With the things that are from the past, I am resigned. With the things from the future, I am unsure and fairly unconcerned.
I want to work towards somewhere else. I want to work towards being more than I am. I want to find the someone I need to be with. I want to change my career path to feel more contented.
I need to make a list, stick it on the wall and tick it off as things are achieved. To do this I need to decide where I am now, where I have been and where I reall want to be.
I've got to find a focus. I've got to define my goals. I have to learn to be more that I am. It's about the little things that are missing. I will continue to look for them and hold them close when they are found.
Winter in November
Okay, it's just 2 weeks until Summer starts and today it is freezing. I hate being cold. Hate it hate it hate it. Must go to bed and turn on the electric blanket.
Days like today
So far this morning it feels that I am at some fabulous hotel. I slept in, woke up feel luxurious. The bed was warm and the air failing in through the window was cool and fresh. I lay in bed flicking through the TV channels.
I then went and had a really warm shower where my thoughts flowed.
I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a hot delicious coffee. Opening the fridge I helped myself to some fruit salad. I sat down, enjoying the silence of the house. I sipped my coffee... I picked through the fruit choosing the pieces that I wanted to sample next.
I thought of far off friends and the wondered about the things that they were doing this day.
Why did this morning feel like I was at a hotel? It may be all about the mindset of myself.
Regardless, I love days like today... I love the promise of today that this morning has provided, all shiny and bright.
I then went and had a really warm shower where my thoughts flowed.
I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a hot delicious coffee. Opening the fridge I helped myself to some fruit salad. I sat down, enjoying the silence of the house. I sipped my coffee... I picked through the fruit choosing the pieces that I wanted to sample next.
I thought of far off friends and the wondered about the things that they were doing this day.
Why did this morning feel like I was at a hotel? It may be all about the mindset of myself.
Regardless, I love days like today... I love the promise of today that this morning has provided, all shiny and bright.
What is it that I do.
I am trying to define what it is that I do at work. I need to know this so that when I look for other jobs, I'll know what I am looking for.
How do I work this out? So very much of what I do is based on the way that we do business. These skills and this knowledge will not transfer.
I need to decide if I want to look for a new job. If I do I need to define these things.
Ah a later problem.
How do I work this out? So very much of what I do is based on the way that we do business. These skills and this knowledge will not transfer.
I need to decide if I want to look for a new job. If I do I need to define these things.
Ah a later problem.
The wafting scent of the lily.
Last weekend my flat mate bought some flowers. In fact, he had a little bit of a flower overload. It's over a week since we were at the market. A week since the temptation to indulge in flowers. The house still has vases of flowers.
On the table is a bunch with white, pink and purple flowers. It's the flowers in the corner that are invading my thoughts right now. The irises have long since past their best and relegated to being a memory of vivid purple with white and yellow highlights.
The scent of the oriental lilies are strong and invading. I love the scent and I think that any woman who would ewar such a scent is full of confience. I would love to be able to wear this scent, but I think that it would be overpowering.
An oriental lily is beautiful. These are white with pink flush on the inner leaves. Stunning.
I wonder why does their scent remind me faintly of funerals?
On the table is a bunch with white, pink and purple flowers. It's the flowers in the corner that are invading my thoughts right now. The irises have long since past their best and relegated to being a memory of vivid purple with white and yellow highlights.
The scent of the oriental lilies are strong and invading. I love the scent and I think that any woman who would ewar such a scent is full of confience. I would love to be able to wear this scent, but I think that it would be overpowering.
An oriental lily is beautiful. These are white with pink flush on the inner leaves. Stunning.
I wonder why does their scent remind me faintly of funerals?
Want Want Want Want Want
I can't stop thinking about you.
I wonder if you are okay. I want you to tell me what is going on in your life. I want to know if you have recently walked in the rain. I want to know if you have laughed in the sunshine. I want to know if you have found all that you were looking for.
I want to know if you have meet your special someone. I keep waiting for a phone call that is never going to come. I keep wondering if you are thinking about me. I want to know about your day and I want to ask about your night.
I want to ask you over for a coffee. I want to catch up for a drink. I want to plan for a meal.
I want you to be my friend. I want to know that you are okay. I want to know that you are okay. I only want to know that you are okay.
I want you to know that I don't think of you all of the time. I want you to know that I don't dream about you each night. I want you to know that my life has moved on. I want you to know that I mean what I am saying. I want you to know that I am okay.
I wonder if you are okay. I want you to tell me what is going on in your life. I want to know if you have recently walked in the rain. I want to know if you have laughed in the sunshine. I want to know if you have found all that you were looking for.
I want to know if you have meet your special someone. I keep waiting for a phone call that is never going to come. I keep wondering if you are thinking about me. I want to know about your day and I want to ask about your night.
I want to ask you over for a coffee. I want to catch up for a drink. I want to plan for a meal.
I want you to be my friend. I want to know that you are okay. I want to know that you are okay. I only want to know that you are okay.
I want you to know that I don't think of you all of the time. I want you to know that I don't dream about you each night. I want you to know that my life has moved on. I want you to know that I mean what I am saying. I want you to know that I am okay.
When people want different things.
Sometimes we make things more complex than they need to be. Mixed messages and confused signals and misunderstandings ensure that we end up with the wrong people at the right place at the right time, the right people at the wrong place at the right time or the right people at the right place at the wrong time.
Hearts get broken, minds become confused and souls are bruised. In an instant everything can change. Two people heading for a common goal hit a crossroad and realise that it is all wrong. One can't go back and the other can't go forward.
If only we said what we meant. If only we meant what we said.
Hearts get broken, minds become confused and souls are bruised. In an instant everything can change. Two people heading for a common goal hit a crossroad and realise that it is all wrong. One can't go back and the other can't go forward.
If only we said what we meant. If only we meant what we said.
I'm feeling alone
Tonight I'm feeling alone and a little lonely.
I'm tired and emotional today and I don't know why.
My mum and my sister are overseas. My dad has gone bush and my brother is working nights. This means that none of my family are available to waste a while talking about nothing.
I have friends that I could call, but I don't have the energy to keep up my end of the conversations.
I'm tired and emotional today and I don't know why.
My mum and my sister are overseas. My dad has gone bush and my brother is working nights. This means that none of my family are available to waste a while talking about nothing.
I have friends that I could call, but I don't have the energy to keep up my end of the conversations.
I love to explore
I love to explore new places. I enjoy exploring on my own, but also like to explore with others. On the weekend I went exploring on my own. I would not mind exploring with someone else who would like to go exploring with me.
I miss having someone to spend the weekend with in a different town. I miss exploring the sites and having a slow breakfast on the Sunday morning. I miss pointing out the things that I find interesting and I miss having things pointed out by another.
I love to explore, and I love to see new things to me. This weekend I even explored a cemetry. For some strange reason I like to visit the graves of the long dead, but not the grave of those I know.
It's a strange and interesting quirk.
I love to explore. Where am I going to explore next? Where and when???
I miss having someone to spend the weekend with in a different town. I miss exploring the sites and having a slow breakfast on the Sunday morning. I miss pointing out the things that I find interesting and I miss having things pointed out by another.
I love to explore, and I love to see new things to me. This weekend I even explored a cemetry. For some strange reason I like to visit the graves of the long dead, but not the grave of those I know.
It's a strange and interesting quirk.
I love to explore. Where am I going to explore next? Where and when???
Quickly Quickly Quickly
Quickly Quickly Quickly
Too much for me to do
Quickly Quickly Quickly
I don't know what not to do
Hours and Hours and Hours
This is the time that spend
Hours and Hours and Hours
I don't know when my day will end
Quickly Quickly Quickly
Too much to do right now
Hours and Hours and Hours
I wouldn't it another way now
Too much for me to do
Quickly Quickly Quickly
I don't know what not to do
Hours and Hours and Hours
This is the time that spend
Hours and Hours and Hours
I don't know when my day will end
Quickly Quickly Quickly
Too much to do right now
Hours and Hours and Hours
I wouldn't it another way now
I get to play dressup
I get to play dressup on Friday night. I love playing dressup.
I love making the costumes that I get to wear... Ah life the simple things make life good.
I love making the costumes that I get to wear... Ah life the simple things make life good.
I build myself up...
It's been a long time since I blog. Life has been busy, and I'll write about that soon. Right now I need to get something off of my chest.
For the last couple of days or weeks I've been building myself up for a fall. That fall has come. Yesterday I was expecting you to call. You see, yesterday 9 years ago was the first day that we meet. And I thought that you had been working up to call me.
I don't know what is wrong with me. You have been overseas and you sent me postcards from your holiday. This was all I needed to believe that you were thinking of me without me contacting you.
I don't know what I am doing with this post. I have spoken endlessly to others that I will never be with you again. I don't know if that is true. I still love you and can't or won't stop. I'm not going to analyse what thinking about you means because I know that I choose to think of you.
So yesterday I had been building up in my mind the conversation that I thought that we would have. It did not happen and this morning I was in a little but of a blue funk. My life is not on hold. I am not waiting for you. I do long for you, but then longing without action causes little pain.
Now I am filled with questions that I will never have answers for. I promised myself that I would not be the one to start contact. I would not be the one to call you. I would not be the one to send a text or to write the email. So I write this to you without ever sending it to you.
Castles - Sandi Thom
I am just skimming stones against the lake
While my dreams pass me by
Because I've never know what to make of life
But I guess I am willing to try
Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse
Sometimes it heals and sometimes it hurts
So hail to the morning
For every dawn's down on me
Cause now that I get to thinking
Some castles lie way beneath the sea
You always said that it would be
Such a long summer
And now it's here and I can break the ice
On this cold water
Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse
Sometimes it heals and sometimes it hurts
So hail to the morning
For every dawn's down on me
Cause now that I get to thinking
Some castles lie way beneath the sea
So hail to the morning
For every dawn's down on me
Cause now that I get to thinking
This life is a mystery
So long live the moonlight
For every dawn's down on me
And stand to part the ocean
I'll find my castle lies way beneath the sea
For the last couple of days or weeks I've been building myself up for a fall. That fall has come. Yesterday I was expecting you to call. You see, yesterday 9 years ago was the first day that we meet. And I thought that you had been working up to call me.
I don't know what is wrong with me. You have been overseas and you sent me postcards from your holiday. This was all I needed to believe that you were thinking of me without me contacting you.
I don't know what I am doing with this post. I have spoken endlessly to others that I will never be with you again. I don't know if that is true. I still love you and can't or won't stop. I'm not going to analyse what thinking about you means because I know that I choose to think of you.
So yesterday I had been building up in my mind the conversation that I thought that we would have. It did not happen and this morning I was in a little but of a blue funk. My life is not on hold. I am not waiting for you. I do long for you, but then longing without action causes little pain.
Now I am filled with questions that I will never have answers for. I promised myself that I would not be the one to start contact. I would not be the one to call you. I would not be the one to send a text or to write the email. So I write this to you without ever sending it to you.
Castles - Sandi Thom
I am just skimming stones against the lake
While my dreams pass me by
Because I've never know what to make of life
But I guess I am willing to try
Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse
Sometimes it heals and sometimes it hurts
So hail to the morning
For every dawn's down on me
Cause now that I get to thinking
Some castles lie way beneath the sea
You always said that it would be
Such a long summer
And now it's here and I can break the ice
On this cold water
Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse
Sometimes it heals and sometimes it hurts
So hail to the morning
For every dawn's down on me
Cause now that I get to thinking
Some castles lie way beneath the sea
So hail to the morning
For every dawn's down on me
Cause now that I get to thinking
This life is a mystery
So long live the moonlight
For every dawn's down on me
And stand to part the ocean
I'll find my castle lies way beneath the sea
Friends on the move
Friends are on the move. Off to places remote and far flung. Some times I think about throwing it all in and running off to some new adventure. I know that I don't have the courage to do it. I might do it if I was pushed.
I wish these friends the best travels. May the road rise to meet you falling feet. May the sun shine upon you for warmth and the breeze brush your skin to cool you down. May the people you meet see the things that make you special. May the language barrier be easier to climb over. May I see you soon upon your return.
I wish these friends the best travels. May the road rise to meet you falling feet. May the sun shine upon you for warmth and the breeze brush your skin to cool you down. May the people you meet see the things that make you special. May the language barrier be easier to climb over. May I see you soon upon your return.
Today is Sunday
Today is Sunday and I have had a most fantastic day.
Nothing special happened. The sun was shining. I had a productive day. I cleaned windows and mowed the lawn. I moved some things outside that have been waiting to be moved for days if not months. I made some jim jam pants and cleaned up the mess I made.
I enjoyed sitting on the side of the road in the midday sunshine, waiting for friends to drop off excess luggage. I am now sitting in front of a window with the cooling scent of rain falling through the window onto me. Occasional blasts of what my flat mate is cooking comes my way. The scent of leeks and onions cooking is great, the overtone of orange is a little weird... but who knows, carrot orange and walnut soup may be tasty.
The music is loud and of my choice and I cruise through other peoples blogs. I don't know if there is anything more I can ask for... Today I took part in these things:
Cleaning - which satisfies my cleaning need
Mowing - which satisfies my need for order
Sunshine - which satisfies my soul
Creativity - which enriches my life
Heat - which makes me feel alive
Cool - which makes me feel alive (please note... this is not cold)
Life is good. Simple is good. This is not easy, but it is all very very good...
Nothing special happened. The sun was shining. I had a productive day. I cleaned windows and mowed the lawn. I moved some things outside that have been waiting to be moved for days if not months. I made some jim jam pants and cleaned up the mess I made.
I enjoyed sitting on the side of the road in the midday sunshine, waiting for friends to drop off excess luggage. I am now sitting in front of a window with the cooling scent of rain falling through the window onto me. Occasional blasts of what my flat mate is cooking comes my way. The scent of leeks and onions cooking is great, the overtone of orange is a little weird... but who knows, carrot orange and walnut soup may be tasty.
The music is loud and of my choice and I cruise through other peoples blogs. I don't know if there is anything more I can ask for... Today I took part in these things:
Cleaning - which satisfies my cleaning need
Mowing - which satisfies my need for order
Sunshine - which satisfies my soul
Creativity - which enriches my life
Heat - which makes me feel alive
Cool - which makes me feel alive (please note... this is not cold)
Life is good. Simple is good. This is not easy, but it is all very very good...
Am I unprepared and unqualified?
"To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour." - Sir Winston Churchill
21
I played 21 last night with the guys and girls from work.
The girls cleaned the guys out even with the guys getting pity money to allow them to play.
Ah the fun
The girls cleaned the guys out even with the guys getting pity money to allow them to play.
Ah the fun
A New Week
Thus far, it has been a quiet week for me.
I haven't some of the things that I should have, however this is not unusual.
I spent a fair bit of time thinking last weekend. Putting my house in order, if you will. Coming to terms with a few things.
Realising that life is about living in the here and now, and not in some ideal version of the future, which may never eventuate due to any number of possible circumstances. And that hanging on to the past, to a version of the past which would seem to point to that ideal future, is also a waste of time.
I also realised that I have some pretty bloody good friends. Friends who are prepared to listen, to guide, to offer solace and encouragement.
So all in all a very relaxing and in terms of my state of mind a very productive weekend. I feel more centred and at peace than I have in a long while.
I haven't some of the things that I should have, however this is not unusual.
I spent a fair bit of time thinking last weekend. Putting my house in order, if you will. Coming to terms with a few things.
Realising that life is about living in the here and now, and not in some ideal version of the future, which may never eventuate due to any number of possible circumstances. And that hanging on to the past, to a version of the past which would seem to point to that ideal future, is also a waste of time.
I also realised that I have some pretty bloody good friends. Friends who are prepared to listen, to guide, to offer solace and encouragement.
So all in all a very relaxing and in terms of my state of mind a very productive weekend. I feel more centred and at peace than I have in a long while.
Nothing to complain about
I really have nothing to complain about. There are so many people who face a life filled with far more challenges than I have faced. These challenges are greater than any of the challenges that I will ever face. I am greatful that I don't have to face these challenges because I don't think that I would be strong enough to deal with them with grace and style.
5 years ago tomorrow, the world changed forever. Tomorrow is September 11. 5 years ago, an unidentifed shadow become a reality. The very real threat (almost promise) of terrorism is now something faced by many. Just as there are those who don't remember life before CD's, there are those who do not remember a life lived without the fear of terrorism. This saddens me greatly.
To be terribly honest, my life has not changed much. Although I have seen this fear on TV, I have not had to personally deal with it. For me, the threat of something bad happening is just that, a threat.
Sure, there have been more things since the 9/11. There has been the bombings in Bali and the blasts in London.
Fortunately life goes on...
5 years ago tomorrow, the world changed forever. Tomorrow is September 11. 5 years ago, an unidentifed shadow become a reality. The very real threat (almost promise) of terrorism is now something faced by many. Just as there are those who don't remember life before CD's, there are those who do not remember a life lived without the fear of terrorism. This saddens me greatly.
To be terribly honest, my life has not changed much. Although I have seen this fear on TV, I have not had to personally deal with it. For me, the threat of something bad happening is just that, a threat.
Sure, there have been more things since the 9/11. There has been the bombings in Bali and the blasts in London.
Fortunately life goes on...
6 Thing That Everyone Needs
Need certainty
Need variety
Need a sense of belonging
Need to contribute
Need to grow
Need a sense of significance
These are the needs that I have in my work life.
These are the needs that I have in my love life.
These are the needs that I meet with my friends and family.
These are the needs that I have with myself.
It seems fairly simple when it is broken down. Now the things that I feel that I am missing, I can work on.
Need variety
Need a sense of belonging
Need to contribute
Need to grow
Need a sense of significance
These are the needs that I have in my work life.
These are the needs that I have in my love life.
These are the needs that I meet with my friends and family.
These are the needs that I have with myself.
It seems fairly simple when it is broken down. Now the things that I feel that I am missing, I can work on.
Do you ever imagine?
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made a different choice or a number of different choices? I do.
I sometimes sit and map out my life. I wonder what it would be like if I was a little different. I wonder what path I would be walking if I had taken the left branch instead of the right branch. I wonder what would have happened if I had taken the high road instead of the low road. I wonder what would have happened if the decisions that others made around me where made differently.
Without a doubt, I would be a different person. I would still have the same name, and I would still be the same age, but my challenges may be different. I wonder that if those decisions had been made, if I would be sitting here now thinking of this now.
Where would I like my life to be? What roads would I like to have turned left instead of right, or turned back instead of continueing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my life and the things that are in it now. I would not go and change things to make it different. I like to sometimes imagine that it is different.
What if is something that I play once or twice until I start to feel a pang for the life that I never have had and never will have.
I wonder if the life that I now live is the life that I was destined to live. There are times when I want to be more than I am now, I just don't know how to go about executing such a dramatic life.
Sometimes I don't feel as if I can get the life that I have now into any specific order. There are things that I am unable to control. I am a person who values control, and yet in the most inopportune times I have no control. I hate this weakness in me, and would like to change it. I don't know how to do this.
Do you ever imagine what life would be like if it was destined to be different. I do.
I sometimes sit and map out my life. I wonder what it would be like if I was a little different. I wonder what path I would be walking if I had taken the left branch instead of the right branch. I wonder what would have happened if I had taken the high road instead of the low road. I wonder what would have happened if the decisions that others made around me where made differently.
Without a doubt, I would be a different person. I would still have the same name, and I would still be the same age, but my challenges may be different. I wonder that if those decisions had been made, if I would be sitting here now thinking of this now.
Where would I like my life to be? What roads would I like to have turned left instead of right, or turned back instead of continueing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my life and the things that are in it now. I would not go and change things to make it different. I like to sometimes imagine that it is different.
What if is something that I play once or twice until I start to feel a pang for the life that I never have had and never will have.
I wonder if the life that I now live is the life that I was destined to live. There are times when I want to be more than I am now, I just don't know how to go about executing such a dramatic life.
Sometimes I don't feel as if I can get the life that I have now into any specific order. There are things that I am unable to control. I am a person who values control, and yet in the most inopportune times I have no control. I hate this weakness in me, and would like to change it. I don't know how to do this.
Do you ever imagine what life would be like if it was destined to be different. I do.
The Bloggers are leaving
A number the bloggers that I love to read seem to be leaving or disappearing of off the face of the planet. What does this mean for me?
I need to find some more favourites!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I need to find some more favourites!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Maybe it's time to search within.
Today I was standing in the garden looking over the fence. The wind was cold in my face. The light bulb went off. I think that for the last while I have been searching outside of myself for an answer.
Maybe it is time to search within for the answers I need.
Maybe there are no answers.
I think I will look within and get back to me.
Maybe it is time to search within for the answers I need.
Maybe there are no answers.
I think I will look within and get back to me.
Cranky
I believe that I have been cranky because of the woman who sits over the partition from me. For the last couple of weeks, she has not shut up. She does not stop talking. She relates stories that have no bearing on the conversation at hand. Can I tell you of the relief that I feel that she has now started holidays.
Ah, so long cranky...
Ah, so long cranky...
Insanity
The flowers are breaking free of the constraints of winter. The flowering shrubs now have a promise of the flowers that will soon explode. Pushing their way through the cold ground are the bulbs that were planted last autumn. There are fruit trees that are a riot of blossums that imply that the trees soon will be burdened by fruit.
The trees are heavy with new leaves that are light and bright. Some of the leaves are red indicating the new growth.
The grass grows more quickly as the length of the sunlight increases.
The sunshine lingers in the afternoon and there is a brightness in the morning make4s it easier to raise.
Spring is here, only days before winter would have driven me insane...
The trees are heavy with new leaves that are light and bright. Some of the leaves are red indicating the new growth.
The grass grows more quickly as the length of the sunlight increases.
The sunshine lingers in the afternoon and there is a brightness in the morning make4s it easier to raise.
Spring is here, only days before winter would have driven me insane...
Don't Worry Mum.
A poem by Me.
Don’t worry Mum
I’m doing alright
I am laughing in the day
And I am surviving the night.
Lend me your silent strength
No harsh words do you share
You wipe my tears. You shelter me
Almost more tender than I can bear
You give me strength
You are my truth and soul
Your arms surround me
Making me forget that I am not whole
When you hold me I am a child
You make everything better
You share the memories
You are the advice begetter
Make the hurt disappear
Mum, only you have helped
I owe you so much, everything
Nothing you can do but help
Love does not define it
It is so very much more
It is a mother thing and you have it
Just for me you have more.
Don’t worry Mum
I’m doing alright
I am laughing in the day
And I am surviving the night.
Lend me your silent strength
No harsh words do you share
You wipe my tears. You shelter me
Almost more tender than I can bear
You give me strength
You are my truth and soul
Your arms surround me
Making me forget that I am not whole
When you hold me I am a child
You make everything better
You share the memories
You are the advice begetter
Make the hurt disappear
Mum, only you have helped
I owe you so much, everything
Nothing you can do but help
Love does not define it
It is so very much more
It is a mother thing and you have it
Just for me you have more.
I am so blogging this...
And I quote "Smell me... Smell my arm... I smell like lemon butter!!!"
After he sniffs a jar of lemon butter "I smell better than lemon butter!!! Tell me it's not true... smell the lemon butter" which he conviently holds on my face...
"What would you rather have on toast... me or lemon butter?"
Does he sound weird? He needs to ask?
"Do I amuse thee?" and again... he needs to ask???
After he sniffs a jar of lemon butter "I smell better than lemon butter!!! Tell me it's not true... smell the lemon butter" which he conviently holds on my face...
"What would you rather have on toast... me or lemon butter?"
Does he sound weird? He needs to ask?
"Do I amuse thee?" and again... he needs to ask???
Today.
Today I have been bored. If you asked my flatmate, I am sure that it would be with a capital "B". I honestly think that all the letters should be capitalised based on the way that I feel today. Nothing has really captured my attention. I have felt all out of sorts today and don't know how to fix it.
I felt unwell this morning and I think that this captured the vibe of the day.
Tomorrow is filled with the promise of more boredom. The project is winding down, but it is still a WHOLE week until I return to my old job. There are few challenges there, but at least I will be busy.
Tonight I watched Australian Idol, and not much caught my attention. Now I listen to the noise that the shower makes and play the soundtrack from some movie that my flatmate finds depressing. I like this music it makes me think.
I sometimes think that this is all I am... and this thought scares me...
I felt unwell this morning and I think that this captured the vibe of the day.
Tomorrow is filled with the promise of more boredom. The project is winding down, but it is still a WHOLE week until I return to my old job. There are few challenges there, but at least I will be busy.
Tonight I watched Australian Idol, and not much caught my attention. Now I listen to the noise that the shower makes and play the soundtrack from some movie that my flatmate finds depressing. I like this music it makes me think.
I sometimes think that this is all I am... and this thought scares me...
Thoughts lead back to you.
Without even trying, my thoughts seem to always lead back to you. I've received mysterious things from you. An email implying an impending phone call. A postcard from your overseas holiday. This had lead me to all sorts of thoughts and ideas.
This has made me run away from thoughts that I want to have, but thoughts I wish I could deny having. I think of you in the strangest places. I think of things that we have done, and places that we have been. Totally unrelated objects prompt thoughts of you and I wish that they would leave me alone.
I know that I am not an innocent when it comes to thoughts of you. I have sent the occasional email and the occassional message. I still love you and want you to still love me, but I don't see how this can go anywre. Some of the things that you need are non-negotiable.
I am tired of being alone, but I don't know if you are going to be the person who fill the void. If you are, I don't know if you should be the person who has that. I don't know what I am looking for, but if all you can offer is all that you have offered in the past, then it will not be enough and in 3 months or 3 years I will be here, in this same position again.
Each time that you give me an inch, I imagine you offering me a mile. I know and I don't know.
I have watched you walk away from me before. Each time my heart breaks, but each time you come around again, I take you in. It is a weakness in me that I can't seem to break.
I always imagine how good it will be. For me we have never been bad. You are the one who is not satisified with what is. You are the one who wants more but you are the one who does not want to give any more. You are the one who sees the problems, but you are not the one who is willing to share the problems and to work on them until they are solved or settled.
We always go on line this. We always have laughter and we always have tears. We always have memoriable moments but we also settle into a rut of comfortable things. There is no action, there is no change and no challenge.
Maybe the reason that I want you is for the challenge. Maybe the reason that I want you is because you are the only failure that I have never been able to accept. Maybe this never accept our failure because I never have felt that I have given it my all. Maybe if we required and took my everything I could accept the failure that we have had.
Maybe the problem is that I have never given everything because I have never felt that I deserved you in the first place. Maybe this is why I have always held something back. Maybe this holding back is also the reason that I continue to hold on.
Maybe this is why all thoughts lead back to you.
This has made me run away from thoughts that I want to have, but thoughts I wish I could deny having. I think of you in the strangest places. I think of things that we have done, and places that we have been. Totally unrelated objects prompt thoughts of you and I wish that they would leave me alone.
I know that I am not an innocent when it comes to thoughts of you. I have sent the occasional email and the occassional message. I still love you and want you to still love me, but I don't see how this can go anywre. Some of the things that you need are non-negotiable.
I am tired of being alone, but I don't know if you are going to be the person who fill the void. If you are, I don't know if you should be the person who has that. I don't know what I am looking for, but if all you can offer is all that you have offered in the past, then it will not be enough and in 3 months or 3 years I will be here, in this same position again.
Each time that you give me an inch, I imagine you offering me a mile. I know and I don't know.
I have watched you walk away from me before. Each time my heart breaks, but each time you come around again, I take you in. It is a weakness in me that I can't seem to break.
I always imagine how good it will be. For me we have never been bad. You are the one who is not satisified with what is. You are the one who wants more but you are the one who does not want to give any more. You are the one who sees the problems, but you are not the one who is willing to share the problems and to work on them until they are solved or settled.
We always go on line this. We always have laughter and we always have tears. We always have memoriable moments but we also settle into a rut of comfortable things. There is no action, there is no change and no challenge.
Maybe the reason that I want you is for the challenge. Maybe the reason that I want you is because you are the only failure that I have never been able to accept. Maybe this never accept our failure because I never have felt that I have given it my all. Maybe if we required and took my everything I could accept the failure that we have had.
Maybe the problem is that I have never given everything because I have never felt that I deserved you in the first place. Maybe this is why I have always held something back. Maybe this holding back is also the reason that I continue to hold on.
Maybe this is why all thoughts lead back to you.
I want
I want to feel free. I am the one that holds me back. I am a clown at heart. Sometimes this is not good. I am able to smile though my heart aches. I am the one who laughs at the world. Does the world laugh at me?
I want to know you. I hide myself from the world. I ask a million questions. It is easier to ask than answer. It is easier to be on my own. Why does no one want to know me as much as I want to be known.
I want to be full. I am the one who feels empty. I want to feel satisfied when I sleep. I want to have so much to do that time does not exist. What will it take to complete my hollow existance?
I want to love. I want to be loved. I want someone to take my hand to to hold it close. I want someone to challenge me so that I smile during the attempt. I want someone to protect my heart. I want to go to sleep and wake up with someone beside me. I want someone to ride in my car and sing as loud as me. I want someone to stay with me a while. I want someone to hold as they cry. I want someone to share the joys of life with. I want someone to think of when we are apart. I want them to think of me to. What holds me back from going after what I want?
I want to be a winner. I don't want to cradle my hand as my heart shatters. I don't want to rebuild something from nothing. What reassurances do I need this time?
I want what I used to have. I don't want to be where I am now, again. I just don't know. What has changed from last time?
I want to know you. I hide myself from the world. I ask a million questions. It is easier to ask than answer. It is easier to be on my own. Why does no one want to know me as much as I want to be known.
I want to be full. I am the one who feels empty. I want to feel satisfied when I sleep. I want to have so much to do that time does not exist. What will it take to complete my hollow existance?
I want to love. I want to be loved. I want someone to take my hand to to hold it close. I want someone to challenge me so that I smile during the attempt. I want someone to protect my heart. I want to go to sleep and wake up with someone beside me. I want someone to ride in my car and sing as loud as me. I want someone to stay with me a while. I want someone to hold as they cry. I want someone to share the joys of life with. I want someone to think of when we are apart. I want them to think of me to. What holds me back from going after what I want?
I want to be a winner. I don't want to cradle my hand as my heart shatters. I don't want to rebuild something from nothing. What reassurances do I need this time?
I want what I used to have. I don't want to be where I am now, again. I just don't know. What has changed from last time?
Fridge Magnets
Tonight I was leaning against the wall near the fridge and watching my flatmate dance to music on the radio. My restless gaze fell on the side of the fridge that has been covered with magnets from place I've been and from friends who have brought them back from places where they have been.
I realise that I collect magnets as a prompt for my memory. I never used to collect magnets, because I used to go places with people, so could use them to prompt my memories of good times. Now I often go places by myself. I miss having someone to share my memories with, I miss having someone to make memories with, I miss the smiles that remembering brings to my face. My fridge magnets are a tool to remember. They prompt me to remember people who love me and bring me back from magnets. They prompt me to remember places I have been and things that have seen. People or place, it is all good.
I like my magnet collection on my fridge.
I realise that I collect magnets as a prompt for my memory. I never used to collect magnets, because I used to go places with people, so could use them to prompt my memories of good times. Now I often go places by myself. I miss having someone to share my memories with, I miss having someone to make memories with, I miss the smiles that remembering brings to my face. My fridge magnets are a tool to remember. They prompt me to remember people who love me and bring me back from magnets. They prompt me to remember places I have been and things that have seen. People or place, it is all good.
I like my magnet collection on my fridge.
A love like that
From "Vanishing Acts" by Jodi Picoult
I have the only photo of my mother that is on display in this house. She is on the cusp of smiling, and you cannot look at it without wondering who made her happy just then, and how.
My father looks down at the ground, and shakes his head a little. "Well, I knew it was going to happen some time. Come on, then."
Eric and I follow him into his bedroom and sit down on the double bed, on the side where he doesn't sleep. From the closet, my father takes down a tin with a Pepsi-Cola logo stamped onto the front. He dumps the contents onto the covers between Eric and me - dozens of photographs of my mother, draped in peasant skirts and gauze blouses, her black hair hanging down her back like a river. A wedding portrait: my mother in a belled white dress; my father trussed in his tuxedo, looking like he might bolt at any second. Photos of me, wrapped tight as a croissant, awkwardly balanced in my mother's arms. And one of my mother and father on an ugly green couch with me between them, a bridge made of dimpled flesh, of blended blood.
It is like visiting another planet when you only have one roll of film to record it, like coming to a banquet after a hunger strike - there is so much here that I have to consciously keep myself from racing through, before it all disappears. My face gets hot, as if I've been slapped. "Why were you hiding these?"
He takes one photograph out of my hand and stares at it long enough for me to believe he has completely forgotten that Eric and I are in the room. "I tried keeping a few of the pictures out," my father explains, "but you kept asking when she was coming home. And I'd pass them, and stop, and lose ten minutes, or an hour, or a half day. I didn't hide them because I didn't want to look at them, Delia. I hid them because that was all I wanted to do." He puts the wedding picture back in the tin and scatters the rest on top. "You can have them," my father tells me. "You can have them all."
He leaves us sitting in the near dark in his bedroom. Eric touches the photgraph on the top as if it is as delicate as milk weed. "That," he says queitly. "That's what I want with you."
Bring on Summer
I am waiting for summer to come my way.
I like spring, the time for new things and flowers and babies for many creatures. I like feeling the days lengthen and the sun warm. I like the cold nights and clear mornings. I like the rainy grey days that allow everything to grow. Most of all I like the promise of the summer that is to come.
I love summer and all it means. I love summer for hot afternoons, for sunsets that melt late into the night. I love summer for the summer night time markets, expeditions to the beach, hiding from the sun under the shade of an ancient tree. I love summer for the chinking of ice cubes and the sticky melting icecream. I love summer for the memory of summer holidays, the promise of Christmas and the realisation of dreams.
I long to feel the heat of the sun, a heat that can be seen in photos taken. I long for the type of days where you can see when a photo has been taken from under the shade of a tree, because on the day that I am longing for, the shot from the shadows feels cooler.
I wait for the bright blue sky where no clouds can be seen. I wait for the bright sunshine to dry the dew before I have risen. I wait for days where all you can think about is being cool, and the coolness that night brings.
I like autumn for the releif that it provides from a summer that lasts long and strong. I like watching the leaves change their colour and fall to the ground. I like the anticipation of cold nights, of hearty soup and of log fires.
I like spring, the time for new things and flowers and babies for many creatures. I like feeling the days lengthen and the sun warm. I like the cold nights and clear mornings. I like the rainy grey days that allow everything to grow. Most of all I like the promise of the summer that is to come.
I love summer and all it means. I love summer for hot afternoons, for sunsets that melt late into the night. I love summer for the summer night time markets, expeditions to the beach, hiding from the sun under the shade of an ancient tree. I love summer for the chinking of ice cubes and the sticky melting icecream. I love summer for the memory of summer holidays, the promise of Christmas and the realisation of dreams.
I long to feel the heat of the sun, a heat that can be seen in photos taken. I long for the type of days where you can see when a photo has been taken from under the shade of a tree, because on the day that I am longing for, the shot from the shadows feels cooler.
I wait for the bright blue sky where no clouds can be seen. I wait for the bright sunshine to dry the dew before I have risen. I wait for days where all you can think about is being cool, and the coolness that night brings.
I like autumn for the releif that it provides from a summer that lasts long and strong. I like watching the leaves change their colour and fall to the ground. I like the anticipation of cold nights, of hearty soup and of log fires.
Some people have so much talent, that they make you cry.
There are some seriously talented people in this world.
There are singers who never seem to hit a wrong note, who can convey the story of the song and who for a moment touch your soul.
There are artists who paint images that make you want to leap into the picture and become part of the story.
There are photographers who snap a moment in the world where the pain in the subjects eye or the smile on the subjects lip who make you cry or laugh.
There are musicans who can play their own choosen intrustment and tug at your heart strings with the melody and tradegy in their hearts.
There are actors who make you laugh, make you cry or shock you to the point where you cannot move.
There are writers who have the ability to me their words ring true with experiences that you have had.
Talent can be used, abused or wasted. It is a delecate balance. I just like to appreciate the talent around me.
There are singers who never seem to hit a wrong note, who can convey the story of the song and who for a moment touch your soul.
There are artists who paint images that make you want to leap into the picture and become part of the story.
There are photographers who snap a moment in the world where the pain in the subjects eye or the smile on the subjects lip who make you cry or laugh.
There are musicans who can play their own choosen intrustment and tug at your heart strings with the melody and tradegy in their hearts.
There are actors who make you laugh, make you cry or shock you to the point where you cannot move.
There are writers who have the ability to me their words ring true with experiences that you have had.
Talent can be used, abused or wasted. It is a delecate balance. I just like to appreciate the talent around me.
Christmas and Birthdays and all other things that don't live up to expectations.
It's August and only 4 months until Christmas. What am I to do? No one want's to tell me when I can go or when I should arrive.
Christmas never lives up to my expectations. And neither will my birthday this year. This year it's a big one. If you don't know yet, I'm a twin. My twin wants to take the children in her life to a play centre for her birthday. WHAT THE?
Where is the dinner, where is the drinking, where is the karaoke? Only joking about the karaoke, but where are the adult friends and the adult drinking???
The problem is that my birthday is on Christmas. No one wants to go out at Christmas. Everyone is stressed by the need to purchase gifts and to spend time with people that they ususally would not spend time with.
Oh it's so hard to be me.
Christmas never lives up to my expectations. And neither will my birthday this year. This year it's a big one. If you don't know yet, I'm a twin. My twin wants to take the children in her life to a play centre for her birthday. WHAT THE?
Where is the dinner, where is the drinking, where is the karaoke? Only joking about the karaoke, but where are the adult friends and the adult drinking???
The problem is that my birthday is on Christmas. No one wants to go out at Christmas. Everyone is stressed by the need to purchase gifts and to spend time with people that they ususally would not spend time with.
Oh it's so hard to be me.
Life
Life moves on, it stands still for no-one.
I find it interesting that my bunch of friends are all moving forward with different plans and different dreams.
Some friends are engaged and planning like crazy for their wedding day a few months away. Some other friends are engaged and liking the status quo, so no plans on a wedding date are forthcoming. Some friends are already married and trying hard to fall pregnant and pass the precious things that each of them have onto another person that is a shared being. Others already have their children and are amazed at the things that they learn and the questions that they are asked. A friend has got a work visa and is going to London for at least 2 years of working, growing and adventure. Another friend is awaiting a visit from a significant other. The plans are for a lucious and special holiday. This same friend is waiting to hear what is happening with his application to leave this country on a perminant basis.
I find it that each of my friends have a very special plan that is coming to fruition. I am amazed at the depth of dreams that are held by the people that I hold dear.
I am working on discovering what I want. I heard this song and it made me envious of the others. Not that I would wish their lives on my and my life on them. I just want something that I don't have. And it is something that I cannot simply go out and get...
Marry Me - Amanda Marshall
I wanna laugh until I cry
Wake up with you each day 'till the day that I die
Let's go to New Orleans and watch the parade
Take funny pictures, eat jambalaya, and drink lemonade
And when the day is finally over
And we stumble home
Before we sleep
Baby, marry me
I wanna drive until we get lost
Lie in a field staring up at the sky while you point out the Southern Cross
Somehow I know without asking why that you love me more in a minute
Than anyone could in a lifetime dancing in the parking lot
While the band plays inside sweep me off my feet
Baby, marry me
We don't need no preacher man
Readin' from the Good Book and I don't want no fancy dress
Ain't no ceremony for the vows that I took from the moment I met you
I have been blessed so let's make a toast and drink up the wine
Here's to you lying here next to me until the end of time
Wherever you are I wanna be
And anything that means anything to you means everything to me
Sneakin' out the back door while they're throwing the rice
And they'll talk for weeks but we're all we need
So baby, if you're free marry me
Baby, marry me, marry me
I find it interesting that my bunch of friends are all moving forward with different plans and different dreams.
Some friends are engaged and planning like crazy for their wedding day a few months away. Some other friends are engaged and liking the status quo, so no plans on a wedding date are forthcoming. Some friends are already married and trying hard to fall pregnant and pass the precious things that each of them have onto another person that is a shared being. Others already have their children and are amazed at the things that they learn and the questions that they are asked. A friend has got a work visa and is going to London for at least 2 years of working, growing and adventure. Another friend is awaiting a visit from a significant other. The plans are for a lucious and special holiday. This same friend is waiting to hear what is happening with his application to leave this country on a perminant basis.
I find it that each of my friends have a very special plan that is coming to fruition. I am amazed at the depth of dreams that are held by the people that I hold dear.
I am working on discovering what I want. I heard this song and it made me envious of the others. Not that I would wish their lives on my and my life on them. I just want something that I don't have. And it is something that I cannot simply go out and get...
Marry Me - Amanda Marshall
I wanna laugh until I cry
Wake up with you each day 'till the day that I die
Let's go to New Orleans and watch the parade
Take funny pictures, eat jambalaya, and drink lemonade
And when the day is finally over
And we stumble home
Before we sleep
Baby, marry me
I wanna drive until we get lost
Lie in a field staring up at the sky while you point out the Southern Cross
Somehow I know without asking why that you love me more in a minute
Than anyone could in a lifetime dancing in the parking lot
While the band plays inside sweep me off my feet
Baby, marry me
We don't need no preacher man
Readin' from the Good Book and I don't want no fancy dress
Ain't no ceremony for the vows that I took from the moment I met you
I have been blessed so let's make a toast and drink up the wine
Here's to you lying here next to me until the end of time
Wherever you are I wanna be
And anything that means anything to you means everything to me
Sneakin' out the back door while they're throwing the rice
And they'll talk for weeks but we're all we need
So baby, if you're free marry me
Baby, marry me, marry me
I am going to do something
I am going to do something and I am not going to tell you what it is. This is a dream that I have had for a long time. This is a goal that I have had and never acted upon with an open heart and a belief that it would happen. I am going to embrace a new concept in believing that this will become true.
This is not about changing my life to be something for someone else. This is about changing me so that I can have a different life, a different dreams. There are many reasons why I should and no reason why I should not.
I am not going to let the fear of failure beat me before I have begun. This time, if I do not do it, I will have given it my best shot.
Good luck to me...
This is not about changing my life to be something for someone else. This is about changing me so that I can have a different life, a different dreams. There are many reasons why I should and no reason why I should not.
I am not going to let the fear of failure beat me before I have begun. This time, if I do not do it, I will have given it my best shot.
Good luck to me...
If today was your last day on the planet what would you do?
If today was my last day, I would be with the one that I love the most. I would want nothing more than to curl up in his arms and listen to his heart beat. I would ask him to tell me that he loves me, even if it is not true. I would sleep and dream that he loves me, cherishes me and needs me still. I would leave his company with a couple of hours to spare, and I would share a meal and some laughter with my family and friends for I love them and know that they love me.
Dreams
Dreams are the one thing that equalises all. Dreams are held tightly by men and women. Dreams are valued by rich and poor. Dreams are created by healthy or ill. Dreams are embraced by young and old. Race, age, education level, marrital status, country of birth, skin colour, language spoken nor location make a difference.
It is amazing that there are so many things that are common between those who dream. Dreams make every persons life richer. Working towards a dream is challenge that we each accept. Achieving a dream can make tears fall. Failing to achieve a dream can make one cry.
Dreams are dreamt and attempts are made. Any attempt made is noble and is full of risk. Those who dream and risk have the chance to have it all. Those who dream and don't risk never have the chance of achieving their dreams.
Those who dream and risk it all are my heroes. I am envious of your courage, I am jealous of your confidence, I am surprised by your dreams and I regret that I am not like you.
Maybe one day I will be able to take the leap of faith and work towards my dreams. Maybe one day I too will attempt to achieve my dreams. Until them, because I don't dare I will fail. One day soon my dreams and my heart will overrule my head. One day I will dream and freely strive for my dream.
Dreams... mine to have and ignore... mine to have and achieve.... my choice
It is amazing that there are so many things that are common between those who dream. Dreams make every persons life richer. Working towards a dream is challenge that we each accept. Achieving a dream can make tears fall. Failing to achieve a dream can make one cry.
Dreams are dreamt and attempts are made. Any attempt made is noble and is full of risk. Those who dream and risk have the chance to have it all. Those who dream and don't risk never have the chance of achieving their dreams.
Those who dream and risk it all are my heroes. I am envious of your courage, I am jealous of your confidence, I am surprised by your dreams and I regret that I am not like you.
Maybe one day I will be able to take the leap of faith and work towards my dreams. Maybe one day I too will attempt to achieve my dreams. Until them, because I don't dare I will fail. One day soon my dreams and my heart will overrule my head. One day I will dream and freely strive for my dream.
Dreams... mine to have and ignore... mine to have and achieve.... my choice
I now know why I want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
I am glad to be home, at home.
I'm home. I have unpacked my bag and done all the washing. I have been to the supermarket and done a restock. I have slept in my own bed and driven my own car. I have walked around the yard without shoes on. I have had to wash my own dishes, make my own bed and replace the roll on the toilet paper. I have talked on the phone and now I have typed on my computer. I have listened to music that I found that I cannot live without. I have dream and laughed and spent time with friends. I have been to work and eaten breakfast at my desk. I have taken the garbage out and pulled weeds from the garden.
It has been a while
Okay, I am interstate on business and am blogging from a $1 per 10 min internet machine in the laudry mat. Oh, the glamour.
Just thought that I would say hi.
Some stuff, different location... one advantage is clean sheets and towels every day.
Take care.
Just thought that I would say hi.
Some stuff, different location... one advantage is clean sheets and towels every day.
Take care.
Sunday Night Madness
I worked today and achieved a lot... Yeah for me.
I come home and find a flat mate looking for a little bit of fun. So to match the sailors hat that he is wearing I wear a shiny silver scarf and a big pink flower for that tasteful touch of glam...
I love Sunday Night Madness
I come home and find a flat mate looking for a little bit of fun. So to match the sailors hat that he is wearing I wear a shiny silver scarf and a big pink flower for that tasteful touch of glam...
I love Sunday Night Madness
Thinking of you
Tonight I am thinking of you. I have been thinking of you all day. You are part of the reason that I ran to work on my day off. You are the whole reason that I was still there at 7pm tonight. My last couple of days have been endlessly filled with thoughts of you.
I want to be in your life, but I am not prepared to make the sacrifes that you need. The sacrifices that we would need to have a chance. I cannot forget what you did to me. I cannot forget the way that you made me feel. I cannot forget the way that I hated me.
So tonight, I have sat and watched tv without taking it in. I have had 4 beers and am thinking about starting on my fifth. Alcohol does not help, it just makes me meloncoly. I could find heaps of busy things to do to allow me to deny that I am thinking about you.
I am missing you tonight more than usual. I am sick of painting on a smile when I hurt the most. Nobody wants you when you are down. I know that I would have friends around, they care. I don't want to be down any more.
I feel that I am settling for less, but I don't know what is more. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hide the way that I feel any more. I hide it from you by not calling, by not emailing, by not pushing for more. I hide it from friends with a smile, or a distraction. No one wants to hear of a broken heart that happened so long ago. I don't want to think of this broken heart.
I miss you, and you will never know. I miss you, and I don't want you to know. If you called tonight, I would be with you in a heartbeat. I want that, but I know that it is not good.
So on and on I continue, with this circular endless conversation. I want you but I don't want you. I want you to call, but I don't want to talk to you. I want to be with you, but don't want to give up what I have.
I hate when I think of you, of what we had, of what I have lost.
I want to be in your life, but I am not prepared to make the sacrifes that you need. The sacrifices that we would need to have a chance. I cannot forget what you did to me. I cannot forget the way that you made me feel. I cannot forget the way that I hated me.
So tonight, I have sat and watched tv without taking it in. I have had 4 beers and am thinking about starting on my fifth. Alcohol does not help, it just makes me meloncoly. I could find heaps of busy things to do to allow me to deny that I am thinking about you.
I am missing you tonight more than usual. I am sick of painting on a smile when I hurt the most. Nobody wants you when you are down. I know that I would have friends around, they care. I don't want to be down any more.
I feel that I am settling for less, but I don't know what is more. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hide the way that I feel any more. I hide it from you by not calling, by not emailing, by not pushing for more. I hide it from friends with a smile, or a distraction. No one wants to hear of a broken heart that happened so long ago. I don't want to think of this broken heart.
I miss you, and you will never know. I miss you, and I don't want you to know. If you called tonight, I would be with you in a heartbeat. I want that, but I know that it is not good.
So on and on I continue, with this circular endless conversation. I want you but I don't want you. I want you to call, but I don't want to talk to you. I want to be with you, but don't want to give up what I have.
I hate when I think of you, of what we had, of what I have lost.
Something New
Time to look at Google Earth...
I will be back to blogging when I am bored of exploring from the comfort of my house...
Will it live up to what I expect?
I doubt it... ah well..
I will be back to blogging when I am bored of exploring from the comfort of my house...
Will it live up to what I expect?
I doubt it... ah well..
It's nice...
It's nice to have a day where not everything goes wrong.
It's nice to come home to a flat mate who has a smile on his face and a spring in his step.
It's nice to be asked if I would like some dinner.
It's nice to have someone refuse when I offer to lend a hand.
It's nice to find music that I can work to, listening and working at the same time.
It's nice to have a house that is heated against the cold.
It's nice to believe that the challenges that I am facing will soon be over.
It's nice to have dreams and goals to work towards.
It's nice to be tired at the end of a day due to a good days work.
It's nice to have a friend return to work from leave.
It's nice to feel that my future is looking up.
It's nice to have friends who love me, even if I have neglected them.
It's nice to know that these friends will be there.
It's nice to have fine weather.
It's nice to buy a good cup of coffee in the morning.
It's nice to choose what I want, when I want.
It's nice to be told no.
It's nice to say no.
It's nice.
My life, right now is nice.
Can't complain about that!!!
It's nice to come home to a flat mate who has a smile on his face and a spring in his step.
It's nice to be asked if I would like some dinner.
It's nice to have someone refuse when I offer to lend a hand.
It's nice to find music that I can work to, listening and working at the same time.
It's nice to have a house that is heated against the cold.
It's nice to believe that the challenges that I am facing will soon be over.
It's nice to have dreams and goals to work towards.
It's nice to be tired at the end of a day due to a good days work.
It's nice to have a friend return to work from leave.
It's nice to feel that my future is looking up.
It's nice to have friends who love me, even if I have neglected them.
It's nice to know that these friends will be there.
It's nice to have fine weather.
It's nice to buy a good cup of coffee in the morning.
It's nice to choose what I want, when I want.
It's nice to be told no.
It's nice to say no.
It's nice.
My life, right now is nice.
Can't complain about that!!!
Star.
As sung by Sara Storer on her album Firefly
If I could be your star
I would bright and light your world
I'd play a song on my guitar
And you could be my sky
A place where I could shine and hide
And fall into the night
...
If I was way out far
Like a lighthouse in the dark
I'd shine an ever loving light
I'd whisper songs on my guitar
...
If you could be my sunrise
I'd wake to find you by my side
And gently hold you with my eyes
And I'd be your sunset
I'd close down all the bad
And promise the next best day ahead
...
If I was way out far
Like a lighthouse in the dark
I'd shine an ever loving light
I'd whisper songs on my guitar
...
Endless courage
Discovers why
I want to be in your life
...
If I could be your star
I would bright and light your world
I'd play a song on my guitar
And you could be my sky
A place where I could shine and hide
And fall into the night
...
If I was way out far
Like a lighthouse in the dark
I'd shine an ever loving light
I'd whisper songs on my guitar
If I could be your star
I would bright and light your world
I'd play a song on my guitar
And you could be my sky
A place where I could shine and hide
And fall into the night
...
If I was way out far
Like a lighthouse in the dark
I'd shine an ever loving light
I'd whisper songs on my guitar
...
If you could be my sunrise
I'd wake to find you by my side
And gently hold you with my eyes
And I'd be your sunset
I'd close down all the bad
And promise the next best day ahead
...
If I was way out far
Like a lighthouse in the dark
I'd shine an ever loving light
I'd whisper songs on my guitar
...
Endless courage
Discovers why
I want to be in your life
...
If I could be your star
I would bright and light your world
I'd play a song on my guitar
And you could be my sky
A place where I could shine and hide
And fall into the night
...
If I was way out far
Like a lighthouse in the dark
I'd shine an ever loving light
I'd whisper songs on my guitar
Here I am...
Here I am, sitting in my pj's at 4pm, listening to my flat mate making coffee in the kitchen. I have my slippers on, the heater going and the window open. My mind is full of the songs that play in my headphones from my playlist of 6 or 7 songs that talk to me and must be repeated over and over again.
I sit here and know that I should be working on the things that I brought home to do. However, I am finding it hard to focus and do what needs to be done. I have done little bits and pieces all day. Some things have been crossed off my to do list, others are still there. I have a deadline... This week is kind of it. From Monday next week, I'm delivering the training that I have been working on for the last 18 months. I am far from done, but know that I will be working endless hours for the next week and all of next weekend. This known, I have been doing odd things around the house today. I was meant to go in to work, but decided that I did not want to. And now today is a little bit of a come down. Today is the anitclimax of yesterday.
Yesterday was filled with little adventures that were so much fun. Now I need to get on and do some work. So right now, I am going to stop playing on the Internet. I'm going to get myself another up of coffee, and get back to my document.
I do this knowing that I will give myself a break at 6 and at 8:30...
I am going to love this week.... I MUST GET IT ALL DONE...
Once all of this is over, I am going to spend some time on me!!!
I sit here and know that I should be working on the things that I brought home to do. However, I am finding it hard to focus and do what needs to be done. I have done little bits and pieces all day. Some things have been crossed off my to do list, others are still there. I have a deadline... This week is kind of it. From Monday next week, I'm delivering the training that I have been working on for the last 18 months. I am far from done, but know that I will be working endless hours for the next week and all of next weekend. This known, I have been doing odd things around the house today. I was meant to go in to work, but decided that I did not want to. And now today is a little bit of a come down. Today is the anitclimax of yesterday.
Yesterday was filled with little adventures that were so much fun. Now I need to get on and do some work. So right now, I am going to stop playing on the Internet. I'm going to get myself another up of coffee, and get back to my document.
I do this knowing that I will give myself a break at 6 and at 8:30...
I am going to love this week.... I MUST GET IT ALL DONE...
Once all of this is over, I am going to spend some time on me!!!
Support People
Each of us has support people who we lean on when we need strength.
Most of us are support people who have others who lean on us when they need strength.
Relationships that work well have equal measures of support and being supported.
The only problem is when being supported and supporting does not balance. Sometimes this is a larger issue as those who constantly need support without returning it are usually those that believe that they are entitled. People like this drain energy and leave a feeling of trepidation.
I no longer have friends that are like this. I don't have the time, I don't have the energy and I don't have the patience.
I understand that there are times when we all needs a little support, now and again. Sometimes is not a problem, always is.
I thank those who have supported me.
Most of us are support people who have others who lean on us when they need strength.
Relationships that work well have equal measures of support and being supported.
The only problem is when being supported and supporting does not balance. Sometimes this is a larger issue as those who constantly need support without returning it are usually those that believe that they are entitled. People like this drain energy and leave a feeling of trepidation.
I no longer have friends that are like this. I don't have the time, I don't have the energy and I don't have the patience.
I understand that there are times when we all needs a little support, now and again. Sometimes is not a problem, always is.
I thank those who have supported me.
A true deep belly laugh!!!
It is so rare these days to have a true deep belly laugh. When was the last time that you laughed so hard that your stomach cramped and you were unable to stand without leaning against a wall.
I had that the other night with one of my best friends. How can some stupid laytex balls on elastic string cause two mature adults to stand in a hallway late at night and laugh until stomachs cramps make it so bad that you have to stop.
I love laughing. I love laughing over nothing. It's so much better than crying over nothing and it makes me feel so much better. Laughing over nothing is soul lightening and makes my heart beat more gently.
I had that the other night with one of my best friends. How can some stupid laytex balls on elastic string cause two mature adults to stand in a hallway late at night and laugh until stomachs cramps make it so bad that you have to stop.
I love laughing. I love laughing over nothing. It's so much better than crying over nothing and it makes me feel so much better. Laughing over nothing is soul lightening and makes my heart beat more gently.
It's very special... to me
Okay, so we have all seen the ads that talks about the soup in the can that grannie picks off of the shelf, passes to mummy and then onto the daughter.
I have a number of recipes that have been passed to me from my mum, or from my nana, or from my aunty.
These recipes are old style. They are part recipes, that require the feel and not just pure measurement. A pastry recipe that says 5 large handfuls of self-raising flour. It's about how the mixture feels and how well I can remember the way we made it last time at home.
I love the fact that my recipe book is filled with "Mums Spinach Pie" and "Aunty Leslie's Lemon Pie" and "Catherine's Caramel Slice".
These things will live forever. They will be passed to friends who ask for the recipe.
It's very special... to me
I have a number of recipes that have been passed to me from my mum, or from my nana, or from my aunty.
These recipes are old style. They are part recipes, that require the feel and not just pure measurement. A pastry recipe that says 5 large handfuls of self-raising flour. It's about how the mixture feels and how well I can remember the way we made it last time at home.
I love the fact that my recipe book is filled with "Mums Spinach Pie" and "Aunty Leslie's Lemon Pie" and "Catherine's Caramel Slice".
These things will live forever. They will be passed to friends who ask for the recipe.
It's very special... to me
Longing...
Tonight I long for your contact, even though I know that you will not call.
Tonight I want to sit with you, saying nothing and take on your strength.
Tonight I long to curl up with you and absorb your warmth.
Tonight I want to make stupid plans that we will do tomorrow or someday or no day.
Tonight I long to smell your scent as you stand beside me.
Tonight I want to rest my sorrows upon you, to feel you lift me up.
Tonight I long to link my fingers in yours to feel the power in your body.
Tonight I want to share in the memory of your day.
Tonight I long to share my meal with you.
Tonight I want hear you breathing and your laughter as you are amused.
Tonight I long to be with you.
Longing is not a bad thing, sometimes it makes me feel empty.
Tonight I want to sit with you, saying nothing and take on your strength.
Tonight I long to curl up with you and absorb your warmth.
Tonight I want to make stupid plans that we will do tomorrow or someday or no day.
Tonight I long to smell your scent as you stand beside me.
Tonight I want to rest my sorrows upon you, to feel you lift me up.
Tonight I long to link my fingers in yours to feel the power in your body.
Tonight I want to share in the memory of your day.
Tonight I long to share my meal with you.
Tonight I want hear you breathing and your laughter as you are amused.
Tonight I long to be with you.
Longing is not a bad thing, sometimes it makes me feel empty.
What does it for you?
Cold beer on a hot day
Hot apple pie on a cold night
The scent of something bubbling on the stove
The promise of icecream
Sunshine in winter
A cool breeze in summer
A smile during heartbreak
A hug when I least expect it
Flowers in my garden
Consistancy in random world
Hot apple pie on a cold night
The scent of something bubbling on the stove
The promise of icecream
Sunshine in winter
A cool breeze in summer
A smile during heartbreak
A hug when I least expect it
Flowers in my garden
Consistancy in random world
Why?
I understand that you are concerned with the amount of time I am spending at work. I understand that you are concerned with the amount of myself that I am giving to work. I know that you are a little upset because others within my team don't commit to the same amount. I know that it is just a job, and that if I did not do it, then the company would not fall over. I know all of this.
You need to understand that work is the only thing that I have in my life at the moment that I can focus on. It hurts me when you are critical what I am doing, what I choose to do. At the moment my other outlets are not working for me. I am not shopping because I am trying to save. I cannot write because I have no inspiration and where it was once cathartic, it now pains me because all I write about is grey and bleak. I have problems finding a book that I want to read, I start something and then get bored. I have already watched too much tv and spent too much time in bed.
What do you propose that I do? I can't commit to any short courses because they all go over the time when I will be interstate. I can't just sit here and do nothing. Doing nothing makes me think of all the things that I don't have and some of the things that I will never have. I don't see my life becoming something that is sweet in the short term. I have no children. I have no pets. I have noone waiting for me, noone wanting me, noone needing me. I have nothing.
My family don't need me, though they love me dearly.
My friends don't need me, they all have others that they need. These friends have goals that they are working towards. They have partners waiting for them to come home or to come over, they have children or more on the way, they have wedding plans to make, houses to paint, trips to plan. Right now, my life is empty and work fills the void.
I know this is all pathetic. Remind me of this blog if I ever complain about the amount of time that I am working. It is the place where I draw my self worth. Don't take that from me because without it I am less than nothing.
I thought that you understood me better. I thought that you knew that work was always important to me. Work has been so important that I have moved interstate twice, away from my family. Work has been so important that I left my lover in another state. Work has been so important that I was not prepared to give up my work to try to save my relationship.
I have made so many decisions that have lead to my life as it is now. I would not change any of them. What I am doing is not wrong. I am not causing myself harm. I am not harming anyone else. If I was drinking a bottle of wine each night, or taking drugs, or hurting myself I could understand your concern. I'm not doing any of this. I am working. I am trying to see what other people see, so when this project ends, I have something that I can talk about. I need to work more than work needs me. I do know that I won't be changing what I do. I can't half do a job. It's my choice based on the way that my parents raised me. I don't regret it yet.
Why don't you tell me how I can become a better, more rounded person?
Why don't you tell me how to get the whole life/work balance when there is nothing in my life to balance out the things in my work?
Why don't you show me how to reduce the amount that I care about what I have said that I will do?
Why? Why not?
You need to understand that work is the only thing that I have in my life at the moment that I can focus on. It hurts me when you are critical what I am doing, what I choose to do. At the moment my other outlets are not working for me. I am not shopping because I am trying to save. I cannot write because I have no inspiration and where it was once cathartic, it now pains me because all I write about is grey and bleak. I have problems finding a book that I want to read, I start something and then get bored. I have already watched too much tv and spent too much time in bed.
What do you propose that I do? I can't commit to any short courses because they all go over the time when I will be interstate. I can't just sit here and do nothing. Doing nothing makes me think of all the things that I don't have and some of the things that I will never have. I don't see my life becoming something that is sweet in the short term. I have no children. I have no pets. I have noone waiting for me, noone wanting me, noone needing me. I have nothing.
My family don't need me, though they love me dearly.
My friends don't need me, they all have others that they need. These friends have goals that they are working towards. They have partners waiting for them to come home or to come over, they have children or more on the way, they have wedding plans to make, houses to paint, trips to plan. Right now, my life is empty and work fills the void.
I know this is all pathetic. Remind me of this blog if I ever complain about the amount of time that I am working. It is the place where I draw my self worth. Don't take that from me because without it I am less than nothing.
I thought that you understood me better. I thought that you knew that work was always important to me. Work has been so important that I have moved interstate twice, away from my family. Work has been so important that I left my lover in another state. Work has been so important that I was not prepared to give up my work to try to save my relationship.
I have made so many decisions that have lead to my life as it is now. I would not change any of them. What I am doing is not wrong. I am not causing myself harm. I am not harming anyone else. If I was drinking a bottle of wine each night, or taking drugs, or hurting myself I could understand your concern. I'm not doing any of this. I am working. I am trying to see what other people see, so when this project ends, I have something that I can talk about. I need to work more than work needs me. I do know that I won't be changing what I do. I can't half do a job. It's my choice based on the way that my parents raised me. I don't regret it yet.
Why don't you tell me how I can become a better, more rounded person?
Why don't you tell me how to get the whole life/work balance when there is nothing in my life to balance out the things in my work?
Why don't you show me how to reduce the amount that I care about what I have said that I will do?
Why? Why not?
Life moves on
One of my friends grandfather passed away on the weekend. It hurts a little more for her because it was very unexpected. She is lucky to be in her 30th year and to only have just lost her first grandparent. I only have one left. I know she knows it, but I also know that right now is not the time to point it out.
I cooked for her and her family last night. It is a real country thing to do, but something that I felt the need for. I did it because I wanted to, because I cared and just so that there was one less thing for her to need to worry about. Last night I cooked up a storm. Shepards Pie, Chilli Con Carne in many containers. Anyway, I'm off track.
The passing of her granddad got me to thinking about the death of my Pa. It also made me realise that time lifts the weight of the death of loved ones from your shoulders. It does not mean that you forget. I just becomes a burden that it carried by not consistantly felt. The grief, the loss lightens until it is a weight that you can carry without thinking about it.
I still miss my Pa. Part of me feels that I have not completed my grieving process. My love for him was great and I miss him. The last few years of his life were special for us. Although he had lost many of his faculties, he was a pleasure to visit. His nursing home was a nice place. He would try to escape as they had him in lockdown because he would walk off, and they did not want him being hurt. Pa I love you, I miss you, I treasure our memories.
I cooked for her and her family last night. It is a real country thing to do, but something that I felt the need for. I did it because I wanted to, because I cared and just so that there was one less thing for her to need to worry about. Last night I cooked up a storm. Shepards Pie, Chilli Con Carne in many containers. Anyway, I'm off track.
The passing of her granddad got me to thinking about the death of my Pa. It also made me realise that time lifts the weight of the death of loved ones from your shoulders. It does not mean that you forget. I just becomes a burden that it carried by not consistantly felt. The grief, the loss lightens until it is a weight that you can carry without thinking about it.
I still miss my Pa. Part of me feels that I have not completed my grieving process. My love for him was great and I miss him. The last few years of his life were special for us. Although he had lost many of his faculties, he was a pleasure to visit. His nursing home was a nice place. He would try to escape as they had him in lockdown because he would walk off, and they did not want him being hurt. Pa I love you, I miss you, I treasure our memories.
A friend like you...
I hope I have a friend like you when my time comes.
A friend with whom I have very many memories that are so special that they can be relived.
A friend that knows my story and whose story I know.
A friend who is a great person, who I am proud to call friend.
A friend I know will hold my hand for a moment after my death.
A friend who knows what is important, and that sometime the most unimportant things actually mean the most.
A friend that I have laughed with, cried with, cooked with and eaten with.
A friend that I can talk endlessly with for hours, or sit quietly with for days.
A friend that have have dreamed and grieved with.
A friend that I have sung and danced and explored with.
A friend who almost always understands my moods and understands when to come closer and when to stay away.
A friend who has laughed with me, laughed at me and laughed when I was laughing at them.
A friend who has questioned my decisions and has supported me unquestioningly.
A friend like you.
A friend with whom I have very many memories that are so special that they can be relived.
A friend that knows my story and whose story I know.
A friend who is a great person, who I am proud to call friend.
A friend I know will hold my hand for a moment after my death.
A friend who knows what is important, and that sometime the most unimportant things actually mean the most.
A friend that I have laughed with, cried with, cooked with and eaten with.
A friend that I can talk endlessly with for hours, or sit quietly with for days.
A friend that have have dreamed and grieved with.
A friend that I have sung and danced and explored with.
A friend who almost always understands my moods and understands when to come closer and when to stay away.
A friend who has laughed with me, laughed at me and laughed when I was laughing at them.
A friend who has questioned my decisions and has supported me unquestioningly.
A friend like you.
Sad realisation.
I have made a choice to embrass my celebacy and my single state. Today I moved my bed against a wall. This is embracing my oneness. When there is a chance that there are going to be two people each getting out a different side of the bed, the bed must have space for each person to move freely. When there is only one side of the bed, then it is acknowledging the single state. I acknowledge my single status. I embrace my single status. My outward acceptance of this is rearranging my bedroom to provide me with extra space.
It's time I reclaimed my space for me.
Maybe it's time for some new artwork to go on the walls. There is now a lot of blank cream space that I need to cover, to decorate, to make beautiful, to own.
This realisation is not sad. I claim my life for it fits me. I claim my bed with only one side, because there is only me. The space in my bedroom is not mine. Mine for me.
It's time I reclaimed my space for me.
Maybe it's time for some new artwork to go on the walls. There is now a lot of blank cream space that I need to cover, to decorate, to make beautiful, to own.
This realisation is not sad. I claim my life for it fits me. I claim my bed with only one side, because there is only me. The space in my bedroom is not mine. Mine for me.
Advance in technology
Okay, okay, I know... I've had broadband and the power for wireless networking at home for a little while. Well today I am having my first day off in 3 weeks... Yeah me. So I decided that it was time to remove the potential wire trap in my house (a phone cable snaking from one room to the other).
Here I am now. Wireless adapter installed, wireless network locked, wireless internet I am surfing... does it feel different? No... Do I like it? Well, I can answer that more honestly once I have finished relocating the router and all the stuff that ges with it...
Time for me to stop procrastinating... Ah, I love it... Procrastinating that is :P
Here I am now. Wireless adapter installed, wireless network locked, wireless internet I am surfing... does it feel different? No... Do I like it? Well, I can answer that more honestly once I have finished relocating the router and all the stuff that ges with it...
Time for me to stop procrastinating... Ah, I love it... Procrastinating that is :P
I had a melt down at work
Unfortunately I had a melt down at work.
I can't believe I cried and then left like a child.
Today the world has just become too much.
Early to bed for me tonight...
I can't believe I cried and then left like a child.
Today the world has just become too much.
Early to bed for me tonight...
My sisters strength
Sometimes my sisters strength of character amazes me. Today, she spent all the day at the hospital, waiting for Mum to come out of surgery. Waiting to find out what was going on. Waiting while they said that Mum was in Recovery. Waiting with Mum while she napped in Intensive Care.
Sometimes I wish I was more like her. Sometimes I wish that I was there so that I could be strong for those that I love.
Sometimes I wish I was more like her. Sometimes I wish that I was there so that I could be strong for those that I love.
To all the dreamers out there.
Dreams are precious and need to be held on to. May your dreams come true...
May the moment of reality be as sweet as the hours spent dreaming...
I hope that you will not forget these dreams that you make...
I hope that the dreams you don't speak of also come true...+
I am in awe of you. You have your dreams and you share them...
You may be afraid, but you never let the fear chase you from what you really want...
When the moment of reckoning comes, you will not be disappointed...
You will have lived well. You will have loved well. You dared to dream...
For you the setting darkness is not something to hide from...
Darkness means that night is upon the world...
The harsh world of reality fades from the naked eye...
The beauty of the dreaming has opened up...
You dream...
The echo from your dream lives long after you awake...
You are never alone for the part of you that dreams all day is there...
Smile when you wake from the daydream...
Remember when you wipe the sleep from your eyes...
The fog of your dream lifts as the moment slowly fades..
You will not be let down...
Now comes the memory, the sweetness, the hope, the light...
Dreams in darkness bring you light..
As do dreams in the daylight...
May the moment of reality be as sweet as the hours spent dreaming...
I hope that you will not forget these dreams that you make...
I hope that the dreams you don't speak of also come true...+
I am in awe of you. You have your dreams and you share them...
You may be afraid, but you never let the fear chase you from what you really want...
When the moment of reckoning comes, you will not be disappointed...
You will have lived well. You will have loved well. You dared to dream...
For you the setting darkness is not something to hide from...
Darkness means that night is upon the world...
The harsh world of reality fades from the naked eye...
The beauty of the dreaming has opened up...
You dream...
The echo from your dream lives long after you awake...
You are never alone for the part of you that dreams all day is there...
Smile when you wake from the daydream...
Remember when you wipe the sleep from your eyes...
The fog of your dream lifts as the moment slowly fades..
You will not be let down...
Now comes the memory, the sweetness, the hope, the light...
Dreams in darkness bring you light..
As do dreams in the daylight...
Please note...
IF YOU HAVE MUSIC ON YOUR BLOG OR ON YOUR WEBPAGE ALL YOU MAKE ME DO IS LEAVE... not later, not soon...RIGHT NOW
I went a-searching
I went a-searching for inspiration for something to blog about. I flicked from blog to blog, excited and glad to see new posts by friends on their blogs. Happy to look at their favourite blogs to see who interested them, what blogs they enjoyed enough to link to theirs.
I found the superhero journal for the month of April. On that page, at the top of the blog page there was a photo of some street art on the "sidewalk".
I found the superhero journal for the month of April. On that page, at the top of the blog page there was a photo of some street art on the "sidewalk".
Your existance
gives me hope.
I think that we each have at least one person whose very existance gives us
hope. I have many, all different shapes, all different sizes and for all different reasons.
I want a fairytale
I want a fairytale to happen to me. I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet. To find out what my dreams are and then to make them come true.
It's the little things that would be important. I want to dance under the starlight to music that dances on the breeze. I want someone to make dinner and then to share it with them by candle light. I want someone write a letter declaring how they feel. I want someone to indulge my every whim for a day. I want someone to tuck me in, and kiss me softly on my forehead. I want to watch a roaring fire with a glass of red wine. I want someone to spend some time planning something, a day or a weekend of spending time and wasting a while. I want to explore exotic places, and to cross things off of the to do list that we share. I want someone to laugh with, to cry with, to dream and to try with. I want someone to hold me when I am afraid. I want someone to tell me when I am wrong. And now my dream crosses from what will never be, to what I hope one day will be.
These dreams are silly childish dreams, but like a child, I will believe that one day they will come true. Some will, some will not. It will be interesting to see which ones do.
One day I will have my someone, the one who I will build my dreams with. Until that day, I will continue to dream and I will continue to build on my dreams on my own.
It's the little things that would be important. I want to dance under the starlight to music that dances on the breeze. I want someone to make dinner and then to share it with them by candle light. I want someone write a letter declaring how they feel. I want someone to indulge my every whim for a day. I want someone to tuck me in, and kiss me softly on my forehead. I want to watch a roaring fire with a glass of red wine. I want someone to spend some time planning something, a day or a weekend of spending time and wasting a while. I want to explore exotic places, and to cross things off of the to do list that we share. I want someone to laugh with, to cry with, to dream and to try with. I want someone to hold me when I am afraid. I want someone to tell me when I am wrong. And now my dream crosses from what will never be, to what I hope one day will be.
These dreams are silly childish dreams, but like a child, I will believe that one day they will come true. Some will, some will not. It will be interesting to see which ones do.
One day I will have my someone, the one who I will build my dreams with. Until that day, I will continue to dream and I will continue to build on my dreams on my own.
My Mum
I've just gotten off the phone to my sister. My mum is having an operation on Monday. She saw a specialist a couple of weeks ago, and then went back because they called her with results that they needed to talk to her about... They said that it wasn't anything major.
Now they are saying that there may be a chance that she need chemo.
I don't know what to think. I do know that they are doing what they are doing to err on the side of caution.
I asked if they wanted me to come home for it. They said no.
Now all I have to do is not talk about this. People won't understand my need to respect my family and their preference. All I know is if there is something wrong, I will be there in a heartbeat.
I just hope that they are overreacting. Erring on the side of caution sounds good in practice, but is very scary...
Now they are saying that there may be a chance that she need chemo.
I don't know what to think. I do know that they are doing what they are doing to err on the side of caution.
I asked if they wanted me to come home for it. They said no.
Now all I have to do is not talk about this. People won't understand my need to respect my family and their preference. All I know is if there is something wrong, I will be there in a heartbeat.
I just hope that they are overreacting. Erring on the side of caution sounds good in practice, but is very scary...
The need to care...
I am curretly finding that I have a need to care... It is becoming obvious that my need to care is coming out in the need to cook for others...
This need manifests itself in muffins on Tuesday and soup on Wednesday...
Maybe it is time that I get my own family...
This need manifests itself in muffins on Tuesday and soup on Wednesday...
Maybe it is time that I get my own family...
It's been a while since I have blogged.
It's been a while since I have wanted to interact with people. I think I came back from holidays on a low, and now have found my normality.
I went home, to visit family and friends. Part of my plan was to have a coffee or a meal with the ex. I planned to see him so that I would be able to work out what I feel, and what I want to do about it. We had planned to meet, but just before we were meant to catch up, he decided that he couldn't. He said that he could not see me because he would have to get over me again. I don't understand. HE DUMPED ME.
Anyway, that whole episode has put a downer on the holidays, and I have just started back into the routine of life.
I went out for dinner with some friends on Tuesday night. We went to a cafe where I went with the ex on one of his last visits. I bought some hand made chocolates and was going to send them to the ex as a reminder. On the drive home, I decided that this was a bad idea. The next day, I gave them to a girl at work who I thought needed a lift. Her Nana had just been diagnosed with cancer, so I thought the chocolates would cheer her up. It was a good thing.
I have come to the realisation that I still love my ex. I still want to be with him, but my pride is stopping me. I now know I will love my ex forever. I know that it sounds pathetic, but it is true. I can love him forever. I was unable to get over him last time, and I won't get over him this time. I am able to love him, I have just decided that he will not effect the way I live my life. I am at peace with the love that I feel.
Please don't think of me as pathetic. I have been blessed to find the one that was for me. My dreams slipped through my fingers, but if I had to do it all over again, I would not change a thing.
I went home, to visit family and friends. Part of my plan was to have a coffee or a meal with the ex. I planned to see him so that I would be able to work out what I feel, and what I want to do about it. We had planned to meet, but just before we were meant to catch up, he decided that he couldn't. He said that he could not see me because he would have to get over me again. I don't understand. HE DUMPED ME.
Anyway, that whole episode has put a downer on the holidays, and I have just started back into the routine of life.
I went out for dinner with some friends on Tuesday night. We went to a cafe where I went with the ex on one of his last visits. I bought some hand made chocolates and was going to send them to the ex as a reminder. On the drive home, I decided that this was a bad idea. The next day, I gave them to a girl at work who I thought needed a lift. Her Nana had just been diagnosed with cancer, so I thought the chocolates would cheer her up. It was a good thing.
I have come to the realisation that I still love my ex. I still want to be with him, but my pride is stopping me. I now know I will love my ex forever. I know that it sounds pathetic, but it is true. I can love him forever. I was unable to get over him last time, and I won't get over him this time. I am able to love him, I have just decided that he will not effect the way I live my life. I am at peace with the love that I feel.
Please don't think of me as pathetic. I have been blessed to find the one that was for me. My dreams slipped through my fingers, but if I had to do it all over again, I would not change a thing.
"These days" - thoughts that autumn brings
It's coming round again
The slowly creeping hand
Of time and its command
Soon enough it comes
And settles in its place
Its shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day
This life well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned
It's coming round again
The slowly creeping hand
Of time and its command
It settles in its place
Its shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day
Soon enough it comes
Here it is again
The slowly creaping hand
Of time and its command
Soon enough it comes
Settles in its place
Its shadow in my face
Undignified and lame
This life well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned
Control well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned
Soon enough it comes
Soon enough it comes
To tie us downThanks Powderfinger
Childhood friendships and honourary Aunts and Uncles
I have spent a large amount of time with childhood friends in the last couple of days. It is interesting for me to see the difference between some of these friendships.
With some friends, all we cover is out memories from the past. It's about who we were, what we did and all the things we dreamt of. The laughs are still sweet, but there is no future in the friendship. The friendship is bound only by memories of the past.
There are also the friendships that are about the things that we have in common. This kind of friendships combines the past and parts of the present. The future is unknown, and as each of us changes, it is likely that the friendship will become a friendship of memories of the past.
There are other friendships that remain the same as they always were. There is good hearted arguements, heaps of teasing and laughter. These friendships touch on the past, on the present and on the future. They cover the things that we remember, the things that we have in common and the things that we disagree on. These are the friendships that are comfortable as they are. Months and years can pass without catching up, but when you see that other person nothing has changed. These friendships bring out the best of what I used to be, the best of what I am now and shine a light on who I am going to be in the future.
I am lucky to have childhood friends who mostly fall into the last category. I saw a friend who falls into the first and have friends that I'll see later this week that fall into the second.
Last night, I spent some time with my honourary cousin, her husband and my honourary Aunt and Uncle. These people are not related to me, but they share a bond and a love that makes them family. Aunty L and Uncle D are some of Mum and Dad's closest friends who have been around since before Mum and Dad married, way before I was even born. I still call them Aunt and Uncle, and still love them dearly. I can't describe the fun that we had. It's a special mix, and these are special people. I love them dearly.
To childhood friends, honourary relatives and memories.
With some friends, all we cover is out memories from the past. It's about who we were, what we did and all the things we dreamt of. The laughs are still sweet, but there is no future in the friendship. The friendship is bound only by memories of the past.
There are also the friendships that are about the things that we have in common. This kind of friendships combines the past and parts of the present. The future is unknown, and as each of us changes, it is likely that the friendship will become a friendship of memories of the past.
There are other friendships that remain the same as they always were. There is good hearted arguements, heaps of teasing and laughter. These friendships touch on the past, on the present and on the future. They cover the things that we remember, the things that we have in common and the things that we disagree on. These are the friendships that are comfortable as they are. Months and years can pass without catching up, but when you see that other person nothing has changed. These friendships bring out the best of what I used to be, the best of what I am now and shine a light on who I am going to be in the future.
I am lucky to have childhood friends who mostly fall into the last category. I saw a friend who falls into the first and have friends that I'll see later this week that fall into the second.
Last night, I spent some time with my honourary cousin, her husband and my honourary Aunt and Uncle. These people are not related to me, but they share a bond and a love that makes them family. Aunty L and Uncle D are some of Mum and Dad's closest friends who have been around since before Mum and Dad married, way before I was even born. I still call them Aunt and Uncle, and still love them dearly. I can't describe the fun that we had. It's a special mix, and these are special people. I love them dearly.
To childhood friends, honourary relatives and memories.
Holiday post 2
Well, this is the second post of my holidays.
Today my sister's friend CB and her children SD and ID came for lunch. Being Good Friday, Mum insisted that we not consume red flesh, so we had fish and prawns for lunch. I spent a number of hours nursing ID, a 8 month old little girl. I think that I'm starting to get the kid thing down pat. I also spend a few hours reading books and drawing with chalk on a black board with 3 year old SD.
Tomorrow is going to be fun. I'm making chocolate mouse (should be interesting) and then going to a park to play with various cousins children on swings and slides and the such. Last time my sister NK made one of the youngesters throw up. It's going to be hard to top that effort.
I am starting to get family overload, and am glad that on Tuesday that I'm going to the coast for a little R and R.
I'm starting to realise that there are times when I risk becoming an empty shell of a woman. At times my dreams are so far from possibility that it scares me. If in 2 years I find that I am where I am now, I will not be impressed. It may end up being the case that my goals are not achieved, but I have exceeded at procrastination. I should just move on to the next step, I already have procrastination down pat, and need to start on a new challenge.
I hope that you each take some time and spend some part of tomorrow in the fresh air and sunshine.
Today my sister's friend CB and her children SD and ID came for lunch. Being Good Friday, Mum insisted that we not consume red flesh, so we had fish and prawns for lunch. I spent a number of hours nursing ID, a 8 month old little girl. I think that I'm starting to get the kid thing down pat. I also spend a few hours reading books and drawing with chalk on a black board with 3 year old SD.
Tomorrow is going to be fun. I'm making chocolate mouse (should be interesting) and then going to a park to play with various cousins children on swings and slides and the such. Last time my sister NK made one of the youngesters throw up. It's going to be hard to top that effort.
I am starting to get family overload, and am glad that on Tuesday that I'm going to the coast for a little R and R.
I'm starting to realise that there are times when I risk becoming an empty shell of a woman. At times my dreams are so far from possibility that it scares me. If in 2 years I find that I am where I am now, I will not be impressed. It may end up being the case that my goals are not achieved, but I have exceeded at procrastination. I should just move on to the next step, I already have procrastination down pat, and need to start on a new challenge.
I hope that you each take some time and spend some part of tomorrow in the fresh air and sunshine.
The start of my holidays
I've just come back from a couple of days at the coast. I've had a really good time with a KC and her baby girl TC. TC is so cute, while I'm not hugely liked by a number of babies, but TC was quite happy to play with me. Towards the end of the 3 days she would come to me and giggle when I tickled her, which was a nice change from the usual crying that I seem to inspire in children.
This morning I have been at gallery helping my sister and her boss hang artwork. I was given the role of lighting because I am fairly tall and rarely had to use the step ladder. There are some really interesting pieces. My favourite is a 2 picture peice. The first picture has an old man in the foreground and a girl in a boat in the background. The second picture has an old lady. The old man is in the left looking across at the boat and the old woman is in the second image. It is drawn in simple pencil, but has great detail and texture. I would like to buy something like that. It could have been anybody's granddad, anybody's grandma and any girl sitting in the picture. Obviously they were the artist and her grandparents, but it was lovely.
When the gallery hanging was complete, we meet a cousin's husband for lunch. A nice pub meal, good conversation and a couple of relatively quiet pints or schooners as they are here. I always get confused.
In the afternoon, I came home to the parents house and watched the performance of my brother making coleslaw. I don't think that it could have been made any harder or any funnier by anyone. He's a disaster, but at least he's an amusing disaster. He had invited all of his mates around for dinner, and was going to fire up the bbq. I don't know how he does it, but he talks quickly when he is sober. After a few drinks he talks at supersonic speeds, slowing down two words before each breath. He has to repeat everything 8 times before he is understood. It's amusing and annoying at the same time.
I've now got to organise meeting up with my friends so that we can all get together before I go home. It should be fun, but it is always hard to find time when everyone is free as some of them work rotating shifts. Ah well. Here's hoping it all happens.
I hope that everyone is having a great easter. May you eat easter eggs until you want to throw up.
This morning I have been at gallery helping my sister and her boss hang artwork. I was given the role of lighting because I am fairly tall and rarely had to use the step ladder. There are some really interesting pieces. My favourite is a 2 picture peice. The first picture has an old man in the foreground and a girl in a boat in the background. The second picture has an old lady. The old man is in the left looking across at the boat and the old woman is in the second image. It is drawn in simple pencil, but has great detail and texture. I would like to buy something like that. It could have been anybody's granddad, anybody's grandma and any girl sitting in the picture. Obviously they were the artist and her grandparents, but it was lovely.
When the gallery hanging was complete, we meet a cousin's husband for lunch. A nice pub meal, good conversation and a couple of relatively quiet pints or schooners as they are here. I always get confused.
In the afternoon, I came home to the parents house and watched the performance of my brother making coleslaw. I don't think that it could have been made any harder or any funnier by anyone. He's a disaster, but at least he's an amusing disaster. He had invited all of his mates around for dinner, and was going to fire up the bbq. I don't know how he does it, but he talks quickly when he is sober. After a few drinks he talks at supersonic speeds, slowing down two words before each breath. He has to repeat everything 8 times before he is understood. It's amusing and annoying at the same time.
I've now got to organise meeting up with my friends so that we can all get together before I go home. It should be fun, but it is always hard to find time when everyone is free as some of them work rotating shifts. Ah well. Here's hoping it all happens.
I hope that everyone is having a great easter. May you eat easter eggs until you want to throw up.
So it is happening
I am now on holidays. I am packed and ready to go. I'm driving to the airport at some ungodly hour tomorrow, leaving the car there for 3 weeks while I go and enjoy the sunshine.
If I don't blog regularly, it's because I am away and may not be able to draw myself away from the beach, from family and from friends.
Be safe and good.
If I don't blog regularly, it's because I am away and may not be able to draw myself away from the beach, from family and from friends.
Be safe and good.
Learning New Things
Tonight was the night for learning new things and remembering the learning of new things.
The new things that I tried tonight were a scotch liquer which is interesting because I don't really like scotch, or thought that I did not like scotch. Maybe it was drinking too much when I was too young to appreciate it. I like the warmth that it created in the centre of my chest, heating me up on this night that was so cool.
Another new thing that I tried was talking to the ex. Although we have spent a few emails and had very brief conversations, tonight I had to call to get someone to help me set up a wireless network in my home. You know how it is, when in part you want to ask questions to see how the person on the other end of the phone is going. You want to know of their failures and their successes, the small wins that they remember and the things that make you smile. I need to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable silence on the other end when he wants to ask more, where he wants to know more, but he knows that he has no right to ask those questions and no right to seek those answers.
I went of for dinner with a friend. We had Vietnamese, and a big bowl of Pho to warm us up on this cold night. I was thanking him for introducing me to the experience of Vietnamese food, to Pho, to rice paper rolls with their fantastic dipping sauce and to tiny tasty spring rolls piping hot with the cool crisp lettuce, tanging mint leaves and that sauce with the grated carrot and chilli bits.
What more could a girl ask for on a cold and blustery Wednesday night? Good conversation, good friends, good food.
Life is good. New things add a sparkle to the gold.
The new things that I tried tonight were a scotch liquer which is interesting because I don't really like scotch, or thought that I did not like scotch. Maybe it was drinking too much when I was too young to appreciate it. I like the warmth that it created in the centre of my chest, heating me up on this night that was so cool.
Another new thing that I tried was talking to the ex. Although we have spent a few emails and had very brief conversations, tonight I had to call to get someone to help me set up a wireless network in my home. You know how it is, when in part you want to ask questions to see how the person on the other end of the phone is going. You want to know of their failures and their successes, the small wins that they remember and the things that make you smile. I need to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable silence on the other end when he wants to ask more, where he wants to know more, but he knows that he has no right to ask those questions and no right to seek those answers.
I went of for dinner with a friend. We had Vietnamese, and a big bowl of Pho to warm us up on this cold night. I was thanking him for introducing me to the experience of Vietnamese food, to Pho, to rice paper rolls with their fantastic dipping sauce and to tiny tasty spring rolls piping hot with the cool crisp lettuce, tanging mint leaves and that sauce with the grated carrot and chilli bits.
What more could a girl ask for on a cold and blustery Wednesday night? Good conversation, good friends, good food.
Life is good. New things add a sparkle to the gold.
Discovering what it's really about
Life seems to be made up of so many parts. Each of these parts at different times have different levels of importance. From one moment to another these priorities may change.
Often you don't value what you have until it is gone. And then it seems that you never will be as blessed as what you once were. Losing a little can make you stronger. Losing a lot can make you weak or reckless or hopeless or cruel.
It's like the greener grass on the other side of the fence, often when you climb the fence and step onto the other side, it is not greener at all. It's just that the different weeds have a different hue of green. Up close you see that the weeds are still weeds.
From a distance, a broken window is a broken window. Up close you can see that the window was broken to let the light in, to set something free, or to break the cloying odour that lingers in the air. From a distance the story that you see may not be what really is. Another way to say that ones trash is anothers treasure.
Today you don't always realise that manners are missing until manners are shown. You don't know that human kindness has been hidden until someone displays human kindness to a stranger. You don't realise you crave to be touched, until someone's warm hand rests on your shoulder. You don't see the things that you have until you see the things that another does not.
Bright before us the future is unfolding. Unfolding as something great and with endless possibilities. I want to find out what it is about for me, for those I love and for the strangers who one day may become my friend. I need to discover what it's really about. What is my destiny?
Often you don't value what you have until it is gone. And then it seems that you never will be as blessed as what you once were. Losing a little can make you stronger. Losing a lot can make you weak or reckless or hopeless or cruel.
It's like the greener grass on the other side of the fence, often when you climb the fence and step onto the other side, it is not greener at all. It's just that the different weeds have a different hue of green. Up close you see that the weeds are still weeds.
From a distance, a broken window is a broken window. Up close you can see that the window was broken to let the light in, to set something free, or to break the cloying odour that lingers in the air. From a distance the story that you see may not be what really is. Another way to say that ones trash is anothers treasure.
Today you don't always realise that manners are missing until manners are shown. You don't know that human kindness has been hidden until someone displays human kindness to a stranger. You don't realise you crave to be touched, until someone's warm hand rests on your shoulder. You don't see the things that you have until you see the things that another does not.
Bright before us the future is unfolding. Unfolding as something great and with endless possibilities. I want to find out what it is about for me, for those I love and for the strangers who one day may become my friend. I need to discover what it's really about. What is my destiny?
Forgiven
I was searching for songs by voices that I like... so I was nearing the end of the voices that I like when I remember Jonatha Brooke from the CD Plumb. So by chance I typed her name into a MP3 search engine and found a song by a musician called Chris Botti featuring Jonatha Brooke. I purchased it and have been listening endlessly to it today. I like this song, and hope that my neighbours do to, because they have been forced to listen...
It's called Forgiven
Every night, all the years are passing through me
Was I wrong
Cause when you find out
Love is blind then it's too late
You can't do anything
Cause these are the chances that we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
Don't let go
Until all your days are broken
We were one
Now I'm standing
In the rain and you were gone
I gave up everything
Cause these are the chances we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
I want to talk to you
What can I say to you
These are the chances we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
These are the chances we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
Pray to be forgiven
Pray to be forgiven
I want to talk to you
What can I say to you
I want to talk to you
So I can be forgiven
It's called Forgiven
Every night, all the years are passing through me
Was I wrong
Cause when you find out
Love is blind then it's too late
You can't do anything
Cause these are the chances that we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
Don't let go
Until all your days are broken
We were one
Now I'm standing
In the rain and you were gone
I gave up everything
Cause these are the chances we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
I want to talk to you
What can I say to you
These are the chances we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
These are the chances we take
For reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray to be forgiven
Pray to be forgiven
Pray to be forgiven
I want to talk to you
What can I say to you
I want to talk to you
So I can be forgiven
Life is all about change
I went to a friends going away party tonight. It was all just a little bit blah.
Life is all about change. At times we get to choose the change, at times the changes are forced upon us. The things that happen, the scenery we pass is the things that makes life interesting. Sometimes the destination become less important as the detours take over.
These detours show us who we are. These are where the challenges lie. The detours are the things that we cannot plan for. If we could plan for them we never would do them. Some of the best detours that I have had are things that I would never have attempted if I was not placed in a position where I had a choice.
Detours not only challenge us. They also show us so many things. Pretty scenes, interesting people, new places.
Some detours last minutes and sometimes you never arrive at the planned destination.
Some of my most favourite people, and most memorable moments occurred on a detour, as an indirect and pleasant result of change.
Life is all about change. At times we get to choose the change, at times the changes are forced upon us. The things that happen, the scenery we pass is the things that makes life interesting. Sometimes the destination become less important as the detours take over.
These detours show us who we are. These are where the challenges lie. The detours are the things that we cannot plan for. If we could plan for them we never would do them. Some of the best detours that I have had are things that I would never have attempted if I was not placed in a position where I had a choice.
Detours not only challenge us. They also show us so many things. Pretty scenes, interesting people, new places.
Some detours last minutes and sometimes you never arrive at the planned destination.
Some of my most favourite people, and most memorable moments occurred on a detour, as an indirect and pleasant result of change.
In one weeks time
In one weeks time, I am no longer going to be living alone.
In one weeks time, I am going to have a flat mate.
In one weeks time, I am sure my life will be different.
In one weeks time, my life will have more balance.
In one weeks time, I won't always eat my own cooking.
In one weeks time, I am going to be sharing a bathroom.
In one weeks time, I will annoy and be annoyed at home.
In one weeks time, I will have someone to drink with.
In one weeks time...
I'm looking forward to it.
In one weeks time, I am going to have a flat mate.
In one weeks time, I am sure my life will be different.
In one weeks time, my life will have more balance.
In one weeks time, I won't always eat my own cooking.
In one weeks time, I am going to be sharing a bathroom.
In one weeks time, I will annoy and be annoyed at home.
In one weeks time, I will have someone to drink with.
In one weeks time...
I'm looking forward to it.
I have a stationery fasination
It was so sad when I worked in a stationery supply store. I love stationery. I love it so much that I purchase too much. I have to hold myself back from buying all the cool things that would either make my life easier. I cannot resist things that make my work pretty.
I like to write with pens that are not blue or black, pink or purple are cool choices.
I like to fasten my paper with clips of pink or blue or yellow or white or red, not boring silver staples or black fold back clips.
I like nice paper, thick paper, rich paper.
I like notebooks with interesting covers full of colour and other interesting bits and peices.
I like coloured texters, of different shapes and thicknesses.
I like multiple highlighters of various shades.
I like post it notes that have interesting shapes, interesting textures or interesting colours.
I like writing paper that is crisp, not too girly.
I like envelops that match.
Ah, I'm so glad that I no longer like work in a stationery store and so is my wallet.
It's plan and simple. I like stuff. No I love stuff... what about you?
I like to write with pens that are not blue or black, pink or purple are cool choices.
I like to fasten my paper with clips of pink or blue or yellow or white or red, not boring silver staples or black fold back clips.
I like nice paper, thick paper, rich paper.
I like notebooks with interesting covers full of colour and other interesting bits and peices.
I like coloured texters, of different shapes and thicknesses.
I like multiple highlighters of various shades.
I like post it notes that have interesting shapes, interesting textures or interesting colours.
I like writing paper that is crisp, not too girly.
I like envelops that match.
Ah, I'm so glad that I no longer like work in a stationery store and so is my wallet.
It's plan and simple. I like stuff. No I love stuff... what about you?
I dislike
I seriously dislike blogs that have music that explode 5 seconds after landing on the site.
I DON'T LIKE IT
I DON'T LIKE IT
Sunday Night Nothings
I've got a case of the Sunday Night Nothings. There are so many things that I have to do, and nothing that I am doing. There are so many things that I should have done, that I never did. There are so many things that I must do tomorrow, that I am not going to get them all done.
Ah well such is life. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday night. I'm going to enjoy the cool air that is falling through the window.
Hope that you do too.
Ah well such is life. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday night. I'm going to enjoy the cool air that is falling through the window.
Hope that you do too.
Just thought that I would let you know
Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, there is a breeze blowing. Last week I was wearing a coat and hoping that winter would never come.
Today I am wearing a singlet and cargo's and doing what needs to be done.
As I sit here, through the window I see the shadow that the tree out the front is making on the wall, and am watching the waving arms of the native shrub in the garden proudly displaying the white clusters of soft flowers that have surprising sprung free.
There are days when I hate living in Melbourne, because the weather is so changing. Today is one of those days that I rejoice.
It's the weather. It's my life. It's the freedom that I have. It's the music that is playing.
Life is good. And I hope that yours is too.
Today I am wearing a singlet and cargo's and doing what needs to be done.
As I sit here, through the window I see the shadow that the tree out the front is making on the wall, and am watching the waving arms of the native shrub in the garden proudly displaying the white clusters of soft flowers that have surprising sprung free.
There are days when I hate living in Melbourne, because the weather is so changing. Today is one of those days that I rejoice.
It's the weather. It's my life. It's the freedom that I have. It's the music that is playing.
Life is good. And I hope that yours is too.
Something to think about...
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgement, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-- George Carlin
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-- George Carlin
Other people's life
I was driving home today, and I came to the realisation that I make up lives for the people in the cars around me.
People who appear to be happy, who allow you in, who are generally polite are given lives that are fun and full.
People who cut me off, who can't drive and who don't smile are given the lives that are busy and rushed and stressed.
I know that my mum makes up stories of where people are going and what they are doing... 3 white cars following eachother are on their way to the same wedding... it does not matter that they take different exits off of the highway... for that moment in time, they had what my mother said they did.
I wonder what other people think when they observe others.
What kind of life do others give me?
What do you think of?
People who appear to be happy, who allow you in, who are generally polite are given lives that are fun and full.
People who cut me off, who can't drive and who don't smile are given the lives that are busy and rushed and stressed.
I know that my mum makes up stories of where people are going and what they are doing... 3 white cars following eachother are on their way to the same wedding... it does not matter that they take different exits off of the highway... for that moment in time, they had what my mother said they did.
I wonder what other people think when they observe others.
What kind of life do others give me?
What do you think of?
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me and you start to give me advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I should not feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do - just hear me.
And I can DO for myself - I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me tha tI can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I should not feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do - just hear me.
And I can DO for myself - I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me tha tI can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you.
Quotes I like
If facts are the seeds that later produce knowledge and wisdom, then the emotions and the impressions of the senses are the furtile soil in which the seeds must grow. Rachel L. Carson
Very little is needed to make a happy life... it is all within yourself in your way of thinking. Marcus Aurelius
Until I accept my faults, I will most certainly doubt my virtues. Hugh Prather
Each human being is born as something new, something that never existed before. He is born with what he needs to win at life. Each person in his own way can see, hear, touch, taste and think for himself. Each has his own unique potentials - his capabilities and limitations. Each can be a significant, thinking, aware, and creatively productive person in his own right - a winner. Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward
A New Day.
Today is a new day. You will get out of it just what you put into it. If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. And supposing you have tried and failed again, you may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. Mary Pickford
Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it. Confucious
Leap of Faith.
The African Impala can jump to a height for over 10 feet and cover a distance of greater than 30 feet. Yet these magnificent creaturs can be kept in an enclosure in any zoo with a 3 foot fence. The animals will not jump if they cannot see where their feet will fall.
Faith is the ability to trust what we cannot see, and with faith we are freed from the flimsy enclosures of life that only fear allows to entrap us. Craig Larson
Very little is needed to make a happy life... it is all within yourself in your way of thinking. Marcus Aurelius
Until I accept my faults, I will most certainly doubt my virtues. Hugh Prather
Each human being is born as something new, something that never existed before. He is born with what he needs to win at life. Each person in his own way can see, hear, touch, taste and think for himself. Each has his own unique potentials - his capabilities and limitations. Each can be a significant, thinking, aware, and creatively productive person in his own right - a winner. Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward
A New Day.
Today is a new day. You will get out of it just what you put into it. If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. And supposing you have tried and failed again, you may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. Mary Pickford
Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it. Confucious
Leap of Faith.
The African Impala can jump to a height for over 10 feet and cover a distance of greater than 30 feet. Yet these magnificent creaturs can be kept in an enclosure in any zoo with a 3 foot fence. The animals will not jump if they cannot see where their feet will fall.
Faith is the ability to trust what we cannot see, and with faith we are freed from the flimsy enclosures of life that only fear allows to entrap us. Craig Larson
The 6 Most Important Words
"I made a mistake. I'm sorry"
The 5 Most Important Words
"You did a great job"
The 4 Most Important Words
"What is your opinion?"
The 3 Most Important Words
"I love you"
The 2 Most Important Words
"Thank you"
The Least Important Word
"I"
Some things that would make all our lives better.
Love
Everyone need love whether they are right, wrong, happy, sad, pretty or plain. We all need to be loved "as is".
Respect
Respect
Treat everyone as a valued person. Let each make choices. Explain your decisions. Demonstrate confidence in their abilities.
Honesty
Everyone needs to know and trust others. Lies, half-truths and deceptions confuse.
Fairness
Everyone needs to know the rules and limits. They need to know these rules and limits will be enforced fairly and consistently.
Understanding
Everyone has the right to be understood. Listen to others. If you don't listen and learn, you will never understand.
Consistency
Behaviour should be consistent - the same today and tomorrow. Changing rules confuses people and makes them feel insecure.
Patience
It is to easy to expect too much. People need to be taught, told and shown... again and again...
Flexibilty
Everyone grows and changes. Be prepared to make personal adjustments to attitudes, rules, consequences and limits.
Acceptance
While behaviour may not alway be acceptable, people must always be accepted. Never reject purely because of poor behaviour.
Empathy
Try to feel what another feels, see things as another sees them, and understand things as another understands them.
Time
People need your attention and companionship. Make time to listen, learn, teach, play, read, watch and talk.
What I want right now...
I want to sit with my eyes closed and have someone else run their finger through my hair. To let it fall through their fingers. To slide their palms over my hair. To run their fingernails over my scalp. To massage my scalp. To softly comb my hair...
Maybe I will just spoil myself on the weekend and go and get a scalp massage... It's better when there is care there. It's better when you don't have to pay for the simplest pleasures...
Maybe I will just spoil myself on the weekend and go and get a scalp massage... It's better when there is care there. It's better when you don't have to pay for the simplest pleasures...
Old friendships
I love public holidays where I have Monday off, as they give me an opportunity to catch up with friends who live overseas and pop online on a Sunday afternoon to check there email and fulfil their surfing quota...
For some friends, occasional emails and occasional chats are all we have.
I love all of my friends. Each one brings something special to my life. Each one shares experiences that make my life richer. Each one has wisdom and knowledge to share. Each one makes me laugh and makes me cry.
Regardless of the land that they call home, their age, their politcal or religious beliefs, these people are important.
The internet has allowed me to make friends with people I would never meet. With the internet, barriers that exist in the real world are ignored or overcome.
Old friendships are precious. And I am thankful for the friends who have lasted a while.
For some friends, occasional emails and occasional chats are all we have.
I love all of my friends. Each one brings something special to my life. Each one shares experiences that make my life richer. Each one has wisdom and knowledge to share. Each one makes me laugh and makes me cry.
Regardless of the land that they call home, their age, their politcal or religious beliefs, these people are important.
The internet has allowed me to make friends with people I would never meet. With the internet, barriers that exist in the real world are ignored or overcome.
Old friendships are precious. And I am thankful for the friends who have lasted a while.
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