Not All I Am: 2011

SIGH

I am sitting at the airport on my way home from meeting you in the first time in years. I am tired but calm and feeling centred for the first time in a long time.

I'm wishing that we have more time even though I know that time would have made parting even more difficult. I enjoyed the time. I was surprised at how easily the comfortable silences came.

I don't know of what's to come. I don't know what's different and I don't know what's the same. You siad that I've changed but I'd be interested to know how you think I have. You've changed too and I look forward to finding out the different ways.

My lips still tingle from your kiss. I can't wait to enjoy the taste and feel of you. I know - slowly slowly. I'm looking forward to that too. I'm in no hurry to rediscover the physical aspects of learning about you again. Okay I may be a little impatient.

It was difficult to walk away from you today however was not torn. It was the right and logical thing to do.

Yes, I don't know where this is going. Yes, I have a lot of questions that I don't have answers for. I'm actually okay with this, for the moment anyway.

This I think I know. I think I know how I feel about you. Part of this is based on part history, part is based on future dreams. I think I am prepared to let you close enough to hurt me. This may seem like a scary responsibility, but I hope you don't see it as such. It's a case of nothing ventured, nothing gained,

I do need to know about our past from your perspective. I'm confused because you seem to still have so many feelings for me. I'm determining this based on the way you looked at me, touched me and held me. Yes, I know that I don't remember a lot of things. I don't know if I've blocked them out. I do know that this is both a blessing and a curse. Bothing things for both of us.

I will work on remembering the important things. Today is a memory I'll keep treasured. The promise of something is appealing and attractive and the confirmation that for me it had never been over. It feels like I've been waiting for you to be ready again. I am a little worried that I am the one that went looking for you. Sometimes I feel that you are not ready to put your hand up. I don't know if you fear rejection or are just concerned with making me uncomfortable. Today should have shown you that I often know what you are thinking. Trust me to stop you if I don't feel comfortable. Trust me that if you don't risk being rejected, you also will never be accepted. You need to roll the dice to have a chance to win. Don't fear failure, fear the indifference that means you won't try.

When I am with you, I fell at home. It doesn't matter the distance that separates us as the feeling of being at home is an alluring one. When I am with you, I feel attractive and desirable. Feeling attractive and desirable is not something that I don't feel when I am not with you, it's more that I don't think about it.

It feels that no time has passed, but I can see that it has. You life's experience are shown on your face and in your eyes. When I am with you I feel like I'm twenty and everything is possible.

Overthinking it

Why am I over thinking it all today? I am waiting here, waiting for an email or for the phone to ring. Why am I doing this? Don't get me wrong, I've been doing a little of this and a little of that. When I take the busy back to basics, I have been waiting to talk to you. Friday night seems so long away.

I have an impending sense of doom that something I'm not going to like is coming my way. I dare not to email you because I feel that you may take this as a lack of trust. Trust trust trust, how do I trust that you are not going to hurt me again. I feel that I am leading myself into a world of hurt.

I need to see you to determine if this is going to work for me. I have to know one way or the other and don't know what I am going to do if I want more and you don't. I always say that I would rather regret doing something than not doing it. If this is the case, why can't I just pick up the phone and speak to you? I think that the smartest thing that I can do tonight is to pull the doona up to my chin, turn up the radio and go to sleep.

Tomorrow is a new day, and perhaps I will have a new perspective.

Maybe this is more like it

Nick Cave - The Ship Song
Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down.
We make a little history baby
Every time you come around.
Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down.
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around.

We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground.
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything comes tumbling down.

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down.
We make a little history baby
Every time you come around.

Your face has fallen sad now
For you know the time is nigh
When I must remove your wings
And you, you must try to fly.

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down.
We make a little history baby
Every time you come around.
Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down.
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around.

Song that matches my feelings

I have found a song that matches my feelings, however all the details in the song are not the details of my feelings.

I have decided that I am going to meet you. I need to know what is going on. I know for me what I felt for you have never ended. I know that a lot of the images in my mind are memories from the past mixed with dreams of the future.

Who would have know how bitter-sweet this would be? I am nervous. I wonder if the future exists and if it does, will it turn out to be bitter or sweet or bitter-sweet?

Who knows what will happen? I know this - I wish nothing but the best for you. If I can't have you or the dreams based on the memory of you, I will find someone like you. I have to believe this.

It's about who you are, but it's more about how I feel when I am with you. It's about how you make me feel. I long to talk to you about this, but how can I when you have the power to devastate me again.

I don't know if this will be the same.

Someone Like You - ADELE

i heard that you're settled down that you found the girl and you're married now

i heard that your dreams came true guess she gave you things i didn't give to you

old friend why are you so shy ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it

i had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best for you two

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

you know how the time flies only yesterday was the time of our lives

we were born and raised in a summer haze bound by the surprise of our glory days

i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it

i had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best for you two

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

nothing compares no worries or cares regrets and mistakes they are memories made

who would have known how bitter sweet this would taste

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best of you

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best of you

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

Am I really going to do this?

Dear John

I have written "Dear John" letters to you before, but usually after you dumped me. Now we are talking and I'm confused.

I'm being totally painfully honest,ready commented on writing emails and deleting them before sending me another. Anyway, here it goes... I love you and always have. I loved you when we were together, I loved you even when I didn't like you and I loved you while we weren't in contact. However, I don't know if I am in love with you. I truely believe that this not knowing is a good thing. Now I know that loving you and being in love with you are two slightly different things. If we are to be together, I need to know that I, both love, and am in love with you. I don't doubt that I want you. I don't know what it will take for me to understand if I am in love with you. I don't think it is something I can decide the answer to without meeting up with you, If we started something more than friendship, more than friendship with benefits then I would have to fall in love with you. It has to be 100% to make all the angst and all the effort worthwhile.

I think that I need to have some ground rules, you may not need them but I do. I can't afford to become obsessive about you. This can't be like last time if it is going to be at all. I also can't be obsessive in my usual way until we both decide what should be or what won't be. So, I propose the following (which are open for discussion):

We talk once per week until a decision is made
We don't make a decison until we meet face to face

When I talk about making a decision, I think that there are a few. There is the decision not to move this any further forward than friendship, meeting is not a requirement.

I know that I need the following (which are not open for disucssion and are not about applying pressure for a quick understanding but about being open in regards to what I need):

I need to understand why we broke up to determine if I can change the things I need to so that I don't repeat my same mistakes
I need to understand your dreams and goals. I believe that you believe that in the past I stifled your goals and your dreams. I need to work out if I can be what you need me to be.

We have always been taught that one plus one equals two. What I want is a situation where one plus one equals one. This only happens when there is love.

Who knows what will happen? All you have to determine is what you have to lose. So, what have you got to lose?

Wishes for my niece

Beauty in all that she is and does

Love to warm her heart and yours

Hope for a bright and promising future

Joy every moment of every day

Peace and serenity now and always

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you

Happiness

Happiness is born of little things.

Roll your socks down and invite your friends over.

Middle age approaching

I have just realised that I am soon to middle aged. I am puzzled because the years went so fast, and the days so slowly.

What am I doing?

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. I was cleaning up my computer and reading through old emails - always dangerous.

The last post was found in an old email and seemed to strike a nerve. I couldn't stop thinking and of you and that resulted in me contacting you.

So you replied to my email and I replied to yours. After a few emails back and forth the phone call was made and we talked for 4 hours.

What am I doing? Am I prepared to be hurt again? Should I even think about this - do I dare go back?

I regret but I am thankful

I regret that I did not love you as you wished to be loved.
I regret all the things that I planned and never got to share.
I regret kissing you one moore time.
I regret not holding on tighter.
I regret not giving you the support that you needed.
I regret not challenging you to be more.
I regret that I had a negative effect on your life.
I regret the dreams that had started to form.
I regret not jumping in with both feet.
I regret that I have all of these regrets and more that I cannot find words to express.

Thank-you for all the things that you showed me, all the things that you taught me.
You broadened my world and expanded my horizons.
You helped turn me into a woman who appears to be confident and proud.
You showed me that I am worth more than I think I am.
You believed in more when I did not.
You supported me when I was fragile and you let me fight when I believed that I had no other choice.
Thank-you for sharing your family with me. They accepted me for who I was.
Thank-you for reconfirming how lucky I am to have friends who will support me even when they doubt the decisions that I have made.
Thank-you for loving me.
Thank-you for making me believe that I was beautiful and desirable.
Thank-you for all the little things that I will never be able to recount.
Thank- you for showing me the beauty that you saw in the world. For an instant I saw me reflected in your eyes and then I understood.
In the words of another - Thanks for the memories...

Airport Travel

Why does it seem that when you are on your way to somewhere, there are delays and the like? Travelling by plane is fast and easy. The waiting in airports is more difficult than it should be. An hour here and an hour there, it all mounts up. However it is an excellent opportunity to people watch.

I love to people watch. Sit at a computer and typing is not the most subtle way to people watch. The best way is to slip in some head phones, slip on a pair of sunglasses and watch the world go past. Listen in on the interaction of other people.

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Strangers who get into interesting and weird conversations. Conversations that rarely take place between people who know each other. It's interesting to watch the approach. A stranger sitting at a table, eating a lunch. He is looking at the world around, making eye contact. She sits down and talks about her busy morning and the boyfriend she is flying to meet.

At this time of year, conversation turns to Valentines Day... Monday - not all that far away. She's a pretty young thing who exclaims that she has never had a boyfriend who has bought celebrated Valentine's day with her. Do you believe it? He picks at his lunch, while she is on the phone to her boyfriend. Delayed flights and chance meetings, make for interesting observation.

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The family man with his kids at in tow. An uncomfortable looking situation. The little girl is not too happy and falls to the floor screaming. He find the bright carousel with the children's books and finds three that will keep her interested. Fishing in his pocket for his wallet while he struggles with the girl under his arm, the young boy at his side and the books that you can see he is praying will keep their attention while they wait for the plane to leave or arrive.

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The young men, looking to waste the hours of delay by drinking overpriced beer in a waiting lounge while watching each other behave in more annoying ways as the day meanders along.

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While I don't love waiting in airports, I do love watching people. It's an interesting and amusing way to while away the hours until I get to board the plane and wing it home.

Long time no post!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I've been thinking about this and that. I've been meaning to post for a long while, but the thought does not equate to a reality of blogging.

People from my past have been popping back into my life and then running back to where they have come from.

While I understand that some friendships come and go... I miss the people of my past.

I miss the friend who I shared so much, who walked away without a goodbye.
I miss my ex, who popped back to check that my family was okay after recent natural disaster.

What am I meant to be doing to move on with my life. Is there any such thing?