A poetic me - I wish for...
courage to chase my dreams,
challenges to enrich my life,
and knowledge to calm my soul...
An emotional me - I wish for...
laughter that comes easily,
tears that dry quickly,
and a love that is unconditional...
A materialistic me - I wish for...
a credit card that needs no payment,
a house that is a home,
and a holiday that lasts a lifetime...
A beauty queen me - I wish for...
world peace,
ending hunger,
and a cure to all disease...
A simplistic me - I wish for...
a spring in my step,
a song in my heart,
and a dollar in my pocket...
A dishonest me - I wish for...
nothing...
Why Do I Try... by Jann Arden
Love broke my heart
Love washed me out
Love made me sick
Love swallowed me
Love made me weak
Everything is bleak
Why Do I Try
Why Do I Try
Why
Love took my life
Love stole my pride
Love killed my dreams
Love made me mean
Love let me drown
Love led me on
Love is not my friend
Love is the end
Why Do I Try
Why Do I Try
Why
Love blinded me
Love took my glee
Love left me less
Made me confess
Love ended hope
Love stopped the show
Love broke it off
Love broke my heart
Why Do I Try
Why Do I Try
Why
Christmas
Well Christmas has now come and gone if a flurry of wrapping paper and beery cheers. I'm glad that it's come and glad that it's gone. I've yet to recover from the dash home, the crazy rounds of friends and relations, too much food, too little time and too much sitting around.
Each year I swear that I will act differently,a nd each year I act the same.
Today I was back to work. The office was half staffed, so the room was quiet and the workload was easy. Things got done but without the pressure and without the grind. The only bnad thing is that the coffee shops are all shut, so we had to make do with what we could find. Bring on the week after new years to return in the cafe scene around work.
Hope you all had a merry christmas. and that Santa missed me, so that he could deliver to you.
Each year I swear that I will act differently,a nd each year I act the same.
Today I was back to work. The office was half staffed, so the room was quiet and the workload was easy. Things got done but without the pressure and without the grind. The only bnad thing is that the coffee shops are all shut, so we had to make do with what we could find. Bring on the week after new years to return in the cafe scene around work.
Hope you all had a merry christmas. and that Santa missed me, so that he could deliver to you.
5 Sleeps To Christmas
Okay, there are only 5 sleeps to Christmas. It has been a while since I have posted, but I am happy to say that I have spent the time productively. I have all my Christmas purchases complete, I am almost packed and ready for the flight to my parents.
The sad think is that it is 5 days until Christmas, and I am simply tired. Very very very tired.
The sad think is that it is 5 days until Christmas, and I am simply tired. Very very very tired.
Monday
It's Monday and I have the day off. My sister has flown down to visit. She's in the shower and we are about to go out and about. I love this town. It's still cold, but the day is going to be fantastic. We may find a few things to do, a few things to eat and a lot of things to see.
I have to go to work tomorrow and I really don't want to do that. However, I know that it is this work that allows me to afford the life that I love.
Hope that you are enjoying your day.
I have to go to work tomorrow and I really don't want to do that. However, I know that it is this work that allows me to afford the life that I love.
Hope that you are enjoying your day.
I'm just over it all
Okay, so today I am over it all.
I am over working. Over struggling on the project to bring the team up to speed. Over worrying about the solution not meeting the business requirements. Over the long hours and the late nights and the decreasing focus on quality to hit the date that has been requested.
I am over being something I am not. I've been trying to be more that I am. More patient, more honest, more open. It's backfiring on me. Personality faults that I have always had are coming back and haunting me. Yes, I am judgemental. Yes, I am stubborn. Yes, I am too proud. Yes, I expect too much. Yes, I am fast to laugh. Yes, I overthink almost every thing. I can't help it. I am trying to calm it all down and to turn it off. It is not working as people still see me with old eyes. This means that my new actions aren't seen for what they are. Supporting someone and being encouraging can be seen as taking the piss. Don't compare me to what I was. I have always been painfully aware of my personality faults, and I am now activley working on them.
I am tired. I am plain tired. I need to sleep and revitalise. I am tired of working hard. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being judged.
I just want to sit in the dark and cry. I can't do this as self pity only lasts in the light. If you take it into the dark, it shines and can't be fulfilled.
It's okay. I'll sleep, I'll recharge. The need to beat all challenges will return. It will return. It will return...
I am over working. Over struggling on the project to bring the team up to speed. Over worrying about the solution not meeting the business requirements. Over the long hours and the late nights and the decreasing focus on quality to hit the date that has been requested.
I am over being something I am not. I've been trying to be more that I am. More patient, more honest, more open. It's backfiring on me. Personality faults that I have always had are coming back and haunting me. Yes, I am judgemental. Yes, I am stubborn. Yes, I am too proud. Yes, I expect too much. Yes, I am fast to laugh. Yes, I overthink almost every thing. I can't help it. I am trying to calm it all down and to turn it off. It is not working as people still see me with old eyes. This means that my new actions aren't seen for what they are. Supporting someone and being encouraging can be seen as taking the piss. Don't compare me to what I was. I have always been painfully aware of my personality faults, and I am now activley working on them.
I am tired. I am plain tired. I need to sleep and revitalise. I am tired of working hard. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being judged.
I just want to sit in the dark and cry. I can't do this as self pity only lasts in the light. If you take it into the dark, it shines and can't be fulfilled.
It's okay. I'll sleep, I'll recharge. The need to beat all challenges will return. It will return. It will return...
Smile
Smile.
You never know who is in love with it.
Smile.
A smile can lift the way you feel.
Smile.
Meeting a stranger's eyes in the street with a smile will often beget a returned smile.
Smile.
Sunshine on a cloudy day is a smile on a bad day.
Smile.
Start it small with the corner of your mouth and work up to including your eyes.
Smile.
It will be the smallest yet best investment you'll make all day.
Smile.
Life is too short not to smile as much as possible.
Smile.
I am smiling right now, for no reason, I just want to.
You never know who is in love with it.
Smile.
A smile can lift the way you feel.
Smile.
Meeting a stranger's eyes in the street with a smile will often beget a returned smile.
Smile.
Sunshine on a cloudy day is a smile on a bad day.
Smile.
Start it small with the corner of your mouth and work up to including your eyes.
Smile.
It will be the smallest yet best investment you'll make all day.
Smile.
Life is too short not to smile as much as possible.
Smile.
I am smiling right now, for no reason, I just want to.
the five people you meet in Heaven
This has to be one of the best books that I have ever said. The book is by Mitch Albom.
From the back of the book:
"All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time..."
On his eighty-third birthday, Eddie, a lonely war veteran, dies in a tragic accident trying to save a little girl from a falling cart. With his final breath, he feels two small hands in his - and then nothing. He awakens in the afterlife, where he learns that heaven is not a lush Garden of Eden but a plae where your earthly life is explained to you by five people who were in it. These people may have been loved ones or distant strangers. Yet each of them changed your path forever.
Quotes from within.
"...there are no random acts. That we are all interconnected. That you can no more separate one life from another that you can separate a breeze from the wind... Fairness," he said, "does not govern life or death. If it did, no good person would ever die young... Look at the mourners. Some did no even know me well, yet they come. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should? It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. You say you should have died instead of me. But during my timeo n earth, people died instaed of me, too. It happens every day. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your colleagues falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of the whole..." Page 50-51
"Sacrafice is part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrafices. Big sacrafices. A mother works soher sone can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father. A man goes to war..." Page 97
All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like prisine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair. Page 109
This book saw me shedding tears. I was sitting on the train and sobbing softly. I love this book. Anything that makes me feel and anything that makes me think about my beliefs is a great book. This book is so good, I may even read it again... and that really says something.
From the back of the book:
"All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time..."
On his eighty-third birthday, Eddie, a lonely war veteran, dies in a tragic accident trying to save a little girl from a falling cart. With his final breath, he feels two small hands in his - and then nothing. He awakens in the afterlife, where he learns that heaven is not a lush Garden of Eden but a plae where your earthly life is explained to you by five people who were in it. These people may have been loved ones or distant strangers. Yet each of them changed your path forever.
Quotes from within.
"...there are no random acts. That we are all interconnected. That you can no more separate one life from another that you can separate a breeze from the wind... Fairness," he said, "does not govern life or death. If it did, no good person would ever die young... Look at the mourners. Some did no even know me well, yet they come. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should? It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. You say you should have died instead of me. But during my timeo n earth, people died instaed of me, too. It happens every day. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your colleagues falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of the whole..." Page 50-51
"Sacrafice is part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrafices. Big sacrafices. A mother works soher sone can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father. A man goes to war..." Page 97
All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like prisine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair. Page 109
This book saw me shedding tears. I was sitting on the train and sobbing softly. I love this book. Anything that makes me feel and anything that makes me think about my beliefs is a great book. This book is so good, I may even read it again... and that really says something.
The Final Cliches - "The Surrendered Wife" Part V
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. - Madeleine L'Engle
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. - Anonymus
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby
If you mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too. - Sue Grafton
People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Brendan Frances
Sometimes it is a great joy just to listen to someone we love talking. - Vincent McNabb
The first duty of love is to listen. - Paul Tillich
It's great to work with somebody who wants to do things differently. - Keith Bellows
That's enough, and enough is too much. - Popeye
The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me. - Sloan Wilson
Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain. - Leo Buscaglia
Oh, I'm scared all the same! I just act as if I'm not. - Katharine Hepburn
How unhappy is he who cannot forgi e himself. - Publilius Syrus
There's always room for improvement, you know - it's the biggest room in the house. - Louise Heath Leber
Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. - Arnold Bennett
If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living. - Gail Shelley
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
Rare is the personn who can weigh the faults of others without his thumb on the scal. - Byron Langfield
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. - Henry David Thoreau
We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls. - Mother Teresa
We seldom attribute, common sense except to those who agree with us. - La Rochefoucauld
Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball. - Deborah Tannen
Politeness is the art of selecting amoung one's real thoughts. - Madame de Stael
Sucess in life consists of going from one mistake to another without losing enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Elenor Roosevelt
The art of love is largely the art of persistance. - Albert Ellis
There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. - Aldous Huxley
To mature is in part to realise that while complete intimacy and omniscience and power cannot be had, self-transcendence, growth and closeness to others are nevertheless within one's reach. - Sissela Bok
Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. - M. Scott Peck
To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao-tzu
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. - Anonymus
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby
If you mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too. - Sue Grafton
People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Brendan Frances
Sometimes it is a great joy just to listen to someone we love talking. - Vincent McNabb
The first duty of love is to listen. - Paul Tillich
It's great to work with somebody who wants to do things differently. - Keith Bellows
That's enough, and enough is too much. - Popeye
The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me. - Sloan Wilson
Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain. - Leo Buscaglia
Oh, I'm scared all the same! I just act as if I'm not. - Katharine Hepburn
How unhappy is he who cannot forgi e himself. - Publilius Syrus
There's always room for improvement, you know - it's the biggest room in the house. - Louise Heath Leber
Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. - Arnold Bennett
If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living. - Gail Shelley
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
Rare is the personn who can weigh the faults of others without his thumb on the scal. - Byron Langfield
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. - Henry David Thoreau
We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls. - Mother Teresa
We seldom attribute, common sense except to those who agree with us. - La Rochefoucauld
Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball. - Deborah Tannen
Politeness is the art of selecting amoung one's real thoughts. - Madame de Stael
Sucess in life consists of going from one mistake to another without losing enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Elenor Roosevelt
The art of love is largely the art of persistance. - Albert Ellis
There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. - Aldous Huxley
To mature is in part to realise that while complete intimacy and omniscience and power cannot be had, self-transcendence, growth and closeness to others are nevertheless within one's reach. - Sissela Bok
Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. - M. Scott Peck
To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao-tzu
Wise Words from "The Surrendered Wife" - Part IV
Knowledge of the self is the mother of all knowledge. So it is incumbent on me to know my self, to know it completely, to know it minutiae, its characteristics, its subtleties and its very atoms. - Kahlil Gibran
I cannot say whether things will get better if we change, what I can say is they must change if they are to get better. - G. C. Lichtenberg
All of us at certain moments of our lives need to take advice an to receive help from other people. - Alexis Cabrell
If a woman can only succeed by emulating men, I think it is a great loss and not a success. The aim is not only for a woman to succeed, but to keep her womanhood and let her womanhood influence society. - Suzanne Brogger
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything its cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more. - Erica Jong
Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us. - Rollo May
The married are tose who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible. - Carolyn Heilbrun
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. - Josh Billings
I cannot say whether things will get better if we change, what I can say is they must change if they are to get better. - G. C. Lichtenberg
All of us at certain moments of our lives need to take advice an to receive help from other people. - Alexis Cabrell
If a woman can only succeed by emulating men, I think it is a great loss and not a success. The aim is not only for a woman to succeed, but to keep her womanhood and let her womanhood influence society. - Suzanne Brogger
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything its cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more. - Erica Jong
Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us. - Rollo May
The married are tose who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible. - Carolyn Heilbrun
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. - Josh Billings
Remember This - "The Surrendered Wife" - Part III
The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds wherever we go. - Martha Washington
There can be no defence like elaborate courtesy. - E. V. Lucas
The best care for anger is delay. - Seneca
You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. - Henry Drummond
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of being. - Goethe
Confidence is contagious. So is a lack of confidence. - Michael O'Brien
Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights, and see possibilities - always see them, for they're always there. - Norman Vincent Peale
It's better to have some questions that to have all the answers. - James Thurber
Each of us has his own little private conviction of rightness and almost by definition, the Utopian condition of which we all dream is that which all people finally see the error of their ways and agree with us. - S. I. Hayakawa
Fear is a little darkroom where negatives are developed. - Michael Pritchard
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha
Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him and let him know that you trust him. - Booker T. Washington
Nature is unfair? So much the better, inequality is the only bearable thing. The monotony of equality can only lead us to boredom. - Frances Picabia
We commonly confuse closeness with sameness and view intimacy as the merging of two separate "I's" into one worldview. - Harriet Lerner
Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. - Deborah Tannen
There can be no defence like elaborate courtesy. - E. V. Lucas
The best care for anger is delay. - Seneca
You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. - Henry Drummond
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of being. - Goethe
Confidence is contagious. So is a lack of confidence. - Michael O'Brien
Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights, and see possibilities - always see them, for they're always there. - Norman Vincent Peale
It's better to have some questions that to have all the answers. - James Thurber
Each of us has his own little private conviction of rightness and almost by definition, the Utopian condition of which we all dream is that which all people finally see the error of their ways and agree with us. - S. I. Hayakawa
Fear is a little darkroom where negatives are developed. - Michael Pritchard
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha
Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him and let him know that you trust him. - Booker T. Washington
Nature is unfair? So much the better, inequality is the only bearable thing. The monotony of equality can only lead us to boredom. - Frances Picabia
We commonly confuse closeness with sameness and view intimacy as the merging of two separate "I's" into one worldview. - Harriet Lerner
Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. - Deborah Tannen
Wisdom from "The Surrendered Wife" - Part II
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. - Mahatma Ghandhi
To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right - Confucius
Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. - Kahlil Gibran
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection. - Buddha
When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. - Bill Lemley
Some women work so hard to make good husbands that they never manage to make good wives. - Anonymous
The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want. - Ben Stein
If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. - Orson Welles
The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes. - Jonathan Swift
There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity. - Douglas MacArthur
One does not toss out the gold because the bag is dirty. - Buddha
The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done us a small favour wish that he might have done you a great one. - Russell Lynes
Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else. - Andre Gide
I praise loudly, I blame softly. - Catherine II of Russia
The supreme happiness of life is he conviction that we are loved. - Victor Hugo
When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realise that my friends are my energy. - Anonymous
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. - Elbert Hubbard
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. - Dave Barry
To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right - Confucius
Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. - Kahlil Gibran
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection. - Buddha
When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. - Bill Lemley
Some women work so hard to make good husbands that they never manage to make good wives. - Anonymous
The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want. - Ben Stein
If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. - Orson Welles
The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes. - Jonathan Swift
There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity. - Douglas MacArthur
One does not toss out the gold because the bag is dirty. - Buddha
The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done us a small favour wish that he might have done you a great one. - Russell Lynes
Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else. - Andre Gide
I praise loudly, I blame softly. - Catherine II of Russia
The supreme happiness of life is he conviction that we are loved. - Victor Hugo
When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realise that my friends are my energy. - Anonymous
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. - Elbert Hubbard
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. - Dave Barry
Quotes from "The Surrendered Wife" - Part I
To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence on becomes steadily the person one desires to be. - Anna Louise Strong
Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves. - Swami Vivekananda
Virtue herself is her own fairest reward. - Silius Italicus
One's mind, one stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. - Mum
Some people find fault as if it were buried a treasure. - Francis O'Walsh
We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists... in the loved one, perfection. - Sidney Poitier
Men are born to succeed, not fail. - Henry David Thoreau
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb man. - Erica Jong
When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the beaviour that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behaviour until he feels loved and accepted. - John Gray
I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the hear that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far. - Erica Jong
If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama
Try to want what you have, instead of spending your strength trying to get what you want. - Abraham L. Feinberg
We are most deeply asleep at the switch when we fancy we control any switches at all. - Annie Dillard
The only thing worse than a man that you can't control is a man that you can. - Margo Kaufman
Wisdom is divided into two parts: (a) having a great deal to say, and (b) not saying it. - Anonymous
I often regret that I have spoken; never that I am silent. - Publilius Syrus
Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves. - Swami Vivekananda
Virtue herself is her own fairest reward. - Silius Italicus
One's mind, one stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. - Mum
Some people find fault as if it were buried a treasure. - Francis O'Walsh
We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists... in the loved one, perfection. - Sidney Poitier
Men are born to succeed, not fail. - Henry David Thoreau
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb man. - Erica Jong
When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the beaviour that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behaviour until he feels loved and accepted. - John Gray
I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the hear that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far. - Erica Jong
If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama
Try to want what you have, instead of spending your strength trying to get what you want. - Abraham L. Feinberg
We are most deeply asleep at the switch when we fancy we control any switches at all. - Annie Dillard
The only thing worse than a man that you can't control is a man that you can. - Margo Kaufman
Wisdom is divided into two parts: (a) having a great deal to say, and (b) not saying it. - Anonymous
I often regret that I have spoken; never that I am silent. - Publilius Syrus
The Surrendered Wife
In summary - an interesting book with good basic ideas for a smooth relationship. A provocative title which is the only reason that I picked it up off of the shelf. A decent read with messages for a decent life.
I don't know if this is the most appropriate title. Part of me thinks that the title should be more like "The Empowered Husband". While I don't think that I will be applying to become a surrendered wife (I am not married, not even engaged to be married), I understand the attraction of the theory.
The Empowered Husband would also empower the wife. This book is not about becoming a doormat. This book is about reducing nagging, asking for help and letting go of control.
As a girl child, we are brought up to become independent self-succicent woman. We are taught that we can have it all, that it is just ours for the taking. This works well when are are alone and need to be independent. This is the time when we need to be doing things for ourselves and making all decisions. We have control because we must have control as there is no one to share the responsibility with. As we continue to live, we learn to work for ourselves, to think and to decide all of the things that need deciding. The problems come when we are no longer alone.
When we are in a relationship things change. We continue the way we are. We make decisions, we take control, we drive and have issues in letting go. This is not always a good thing. Traditional relationships and responsibilities have taken a back seat and disempowering genders causes problems.
The Surrendered Wife is about creating balance in a relationship. It's about ensuring a base for partners is a stable and satisfying one. By taking the chance to release control, a woman can step back from responsibilities. This in turn provides control to the man in the relationship. Letting go of the control puts the traditional role back with the traditional gender. This also provides an element of freedom.
The reduction of controlling behaviour only applies within the relationship. This enables life to continue, careers to be lifted and challenges faced. This book admits that we can't have it all by controlling it all. It allows us to focus and control in each element of our life except for our life-long partnership.
Realistically, this book talks about respect, taking care of oneself first, receiving gratefully, fostering friendships with women, expressing ones own desire, setting limits, admitting when hurt and listening for the message being said. It all sounds pretty simple, but even taking these things into a day will make a difference.
I don't know if this is the most appropriate title. Part of me thinks that the title should be more like "The Empowered Husband". While I don't think that I will be applying to become a surrendered wife (I am not married, not even engaged to be married), I understand the attraction of the theory.
The Empowered Husband would also empower the wife. This book is not about becoming a doormat. This book is about reducing nagging, asking for help and letting go of control.
As a girl child, we are brought up to become independent self-succicent woman. We are taught that we can have it all, that it is just ours for the taking. This works well when are are alone and need to be independent. This is the time when we need to be doing things for ourselves and making all decisions. We have control because we must have control as there is no one to share the responsibility with. As we continue to live, we learn to work for ourselves, to think and to decide all of the things that need deciding. The problems come when we are no longer alone.
When we are in a relationship things change. We continue the way we are. We make decisions, we take control, we drive and have issues in letting go. This is not always a good thing. Traditional relationships and responsibilities have taken a back seat and disempowering genders causes problems.
The Surrendered Wife is about creating balance in a relationship. It's about ensuring a base for partners is a stable and satisfying one. By taking the chance to release control, a woman can step back from responsibilities. This in turn provides control to the man in the relationship. Letting go of the control puts the traditional role back with the traditional gender. This also provides an element of freedom.
The reduction of controlling behaviour only applies within the relationship. This enables life to continue, careers to be lifted and challenges faced. This book admits that we can't have it all by controlling it all. It allows us to focus and control in each element of our life except for our life-long partnership.
Realistically, this book talks about respect, taking care of oneself first, receiving gratefully, fostering friendships with women, expressing ones own desire, setting limits, admitting when hurt and listening for the message being said. It all sounds pretty simple, but even taking these things into a day will make a difference.
"The Surrendered Wife"
Well, time for a new tact. I am reading "The Surrendered Wife". Why? I don't know. Although, I think that there may be a heap of incorrect hype around this book. It does not seem (30 pages into the book) to be about surrender. It seems to be more about trust, and through trusting a partner. This then inspires/encourges them to be more because they want to be more to reward that trust.
I'll report back, but as I am a bit of a control freak, I believe that I need to trust more. Time will tell.
I'll report back, but as I am a bit of a control freak, I believe that I need to trust more. Time will tell.
Love
I believe that we get the love we think that we deserve.
I believe that this is true in all things. Things with lovers, with family and with friends.
Tonight I am going to ensure that some of those I love understand that I expect more from them, that I deserve more from them and that I am not going to settle for less.
There are some who give us more love then we expect, more love then we deserve. These are the people that we need to cling to. These are the people that we need to love in kind.
I believe that this is true in all things. Things with lovers, with family and with friends.
Tonight I am going to ensure that some of those I love understand that I expect more from them, that I deserve more from them and that I am not going to settle for less.
There are some who give us more love then we expect, more love then we deserve. These are the people that we need to cling to. These are the people that we need to love in kind.
WOW
Wow
It's been almost 2 months since I have made an entry. I have often felt the need to express my thoughts and feelings, but a lot of things are better left unsaid and a lot of things have changed in the last couple of months.
I've changed jobs and I've hooked up with my Ex. All in the last month, actually, all of this change has happened within the last 2 weeks.
Let's start on the new job... I have been bored for a little while at my old job. I was tired with pushing people to help me advance. I was tired with being told no or not now or later. I was tired of being a no one who cared too much doing things that few recognised. An old work collegue asked me for my resume, insisting that there was nothing was sure, but there was a job she knew I could do and thought that I would enjoy. I sent the resume and then had a period of mad rushes for interviews during cancelled work holidays and then the longest moments of nothingness. In the end after 2 interviews and 3 phone calls I was offered a new job, with a new company. I have a lot to offer, but the things that I will learn far outway the risk. After almost 10 years I said goodbye to the company, and a lot of the people I had worked with over this time and hello to something new.
Hooking up with the Ex... Well, between the old job and the new job I went home to visit the fam and the friends. It was a whirlwind holiday, but I made a point of meeting up with the ex. I needed to see him. My feelings, even after many tormented nights and extended conversations and blogs, had not moved on. So I decided that I needed to confront this things head on. When life is in change, more change is less intimidating. So we caught up for a late night coffee and then started talking about all the things that needed to be said. Little has changed. He is still going to need to be there and I am not prepared to move. I still want to be down here and he is not prepared to move. This means that we are going to try to have an exclusive relationship, long distance without being obsessive about each other. We will visit each other every so often, talk every now and then and email occasionally. Hopefully one day we will be able to be together. I know, I know. It's strange and non-conventional, but I want to be with him.
Anyway, I should go and do stuff.
Will post again soon.
It's been almost 2 months since I have made an entry. I have often felt the need to express my thoughts and feelings, but a lot of things are better left unsaid and a lot of things have changed in the last couple of months.
I've changed jobs and I've hooked up with my Ex. All in the last month, actually, all of this change has happened within the last 2 weeks.
Let's start on the new job... I have been bored for a little while at my old job. I was tired with pushing people to help me advance. I was tired with being told no or not now or later. I was tired of being a no one who cared too much doing things that few recognised. An old work collegue asked me for my resume, insisting that there was nothing was sure, but there was a job she knew I could do and thought that I would enjoy. I sent the resume and then had a period of mad rushes for interviews during cancelled work holidays and then the longest moments of nothingness. In the end after 2 interviews and 3 phone calls I was offered a new job, with a new company. I have a lot to offer, but the things that I will learn far outway the risk. After almost 10 years I said goodbye to the company, and a lot of the people I had worked with over this time and hello to something new.
Hooking up with the Ex... Well, between the old job and the new job I went home to visit the fam and the friends. It was a whirlwind holiday, but I made a point of meeting up with the ex. I needed to see him. My feelings, even after many tormented nights and extended conversations and blogs, had not moved on. So I decided that I needed to confront this things head on. When life is in change, more change is less intimidating. So we caught up for a late night coffee and then started talking about all the things that needed to be said. Little has changed. He is still going to need to be there and I am not prepared to move. I still want to be down here and he is not prepared to move. This means that we are going to try to have an exclusive relationship, long distance without being obsessive about each other. We will visit each other every so often, talk every now and then and email occasionally. Hopefully one day we will be able to be together. I know, I know. It's strange and non-conventional, but I want to be with him.
Anyway, I should go and do stuff.
Will post again soon.
To tell or not to tell
Sometimes to get something new, you must give up something old. Although I have known this forever, I never really admitted the truth of this. I've been holding on to the love that I have felt for you. I thought that you are the person that I was meant to be with. I thought that you were my soul mate. I have said that we would never be together again. I have said that to myself a million times and to others when they had asked. I have said this even when I did not believe that it was true.
I am now ready to give it all up. I once told you that I believed that we would be together one day when the weather was fine. I am no longer strong enough to hold on to this belief. I am tired of waiting, tired of longing and I can't do it any longer.
I always prided myself on honesty, but I have been dishonest with you and with myself. I told myself that I just wanted to be friends with you. That I just wanted to see that you were doing well. The truth was I still loved you. I always had and feared that I always would. I wanted to ask you if there was any chance for us to be together. I wanted to ask and for you to tell me yes or no. But I never asked. If you had said yes, I would have been scared and lost. If you had said no, I would have be sad and lost.
I have spent a significant amount of my life deluding myself. I don't know why we broke up. I had a large amount of impact into this, but I didn't understand my part. I didn't understand what I needed to do to improve me. I didn't know what I could have done to stop it. I thought that if I did what you wanted, I would be what you wanted. I was not...
I wanted to ask you if you ever thought about how life could have been if we had made different decisions. I had thought about us being together. I wondered if we were together still would you be down here, studying to become a teacher at Monash, living with me, loving with me, learning with me. Together. Maybe I would have moved back to Queensland. Maybe maybe maybe.
I still thought about us. I thought about the things that we did. I thought about the places we had been, the meals that we had shared and the memories we'd created. I missed you. I missed the scent of you, the feel of you and the taste of you. I missed sharing my life with you, my triumphs and tragedies. I missed curling up into you and waking up with you. I missed the way that you made me feel when we were together. I missed the excitement that you brought to my life. I missed your voice and the lectures that you'd always give. I missed kissing you, loving you and holding you. I felt that I couldn't give up on us because I didn't know if I'd given 100% of me to us. I didn't know if you'd given 100% either. I questioned if I held back because you held back. Maybe we were both concerned with being hurt and focused on protecting ourselves. Maybe this ensured that we were hurt because we could do nothing but fail.
I longed for your touch, for your taste, for you. I missed dressing for you, I missed impressing you, I missed surprising you. I have been jealous of things and of people and wished myself with you. I cannot afford to be jealous of a life and of a love that I don't have. I can't look at pictures and long myself there. Through various decisions we have both chosen to not be with each other. These decisions may have been based on pride, on protection, on fear. It doesn't matter what made them, all that matters is that they existed.
I no longer will allow myself to think about it.
I was worthy of your love. I was not deserving of the things that happened. I did not deserve to have my heart broken by you twice. I should not have let you do it. I am the person that I am today because of it. To date, I have not learnt from my mistakes. This changes now.
I was worthy of your love and I am worthy of love in my future. I deserve to have someone to spend my life with. I deserve happiness. I am not going out looking for it, but I will no longer hold myself back from it. To find something new, I must give up something old. I will never stop loving you, but I can no longer afford to hold your love in my hands. With my hands full, I cannot reach out to find new love. I can still love you but can no longer be in love with you.
I will forever be thankful for your love. I will forever remember the times we had, and the things that we did. You did not want to be my love and I will no longer hold on to a love that is not wanted. Now it is time to break my promise to love you forever. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to be lonely and if I can't be with you then I must be with someone else. Many years have passed since I thought of myself as free. For years I have always wanted you, even when I would not admit it. I cannot keep dreaming of something that will not come true. I cannot and it hurts to give up on something that has been my everything. I need to exist outside of all of this. I need to find someone who wants to be with me, I need to find someone who wants to build a future. One day I want to be married and to have children. I want to find my someone to grow old with, someone who will share my triumphs and my tragedies.
I hope that we will still be friends but I cannot continue to believe in the dream that you will love me as I need to be loved. I have lost too much already.
I am now ready to give it all up. I once told you that I believed that we would be together one day when the weather was fine. I am no longer strong enough to hold on to this belief. I am tired of waiting, tired of longing and I can't do it any longer.
I always prided myself on honesty, but I have been dishonest with you and with myself. I told myself that I just wanted to be friends with you. That I just wanted to see that you were doing well. The truth was I still loved you. I always had and feared that I always would. I wanted to ask you if there was any chance for us to be together. I wanted to ask and for you to tell me yes or no. But I never asked. If you had said yes, I would have been scared and lost. If you had said no, I would have be sad and lost.
I have spent a significant amount of my life deluding myself. I don't know why we broke up. I had a large amount of impact into this, but I didn't understand my part. I didn't understand what I needed to do to improve me. I didn't know what I could have done to stop it. I thought that if I did what you wanted, I would be what you wanted. I was not...
I wanted to ask you if you ever thought about how life could have been if we had made different decisions. I had thought about us being together. I wondered if we were together still would you be down here, studying to become a teacher at Monash, living with me, loving with me, learning with me. Together. Maybe I would have moved back to Queensland. Maybe maybe maybe.
I still thought about us. I thought about the things that we did. I thought about the places we had been, the meals that we had shared and the memories we'd created. I missed you. I missed the scent of you, the feel of you and the taste of you. I missed sharing my life with you, my triumphs and tragedies. I missed curling up into you and waking up with you. I missed the way that you made me feel when we were together. I missed the excitement that you brought to my life. I missed your voice and the lectures that you'd always give. I missed kissing you, loving you and holding you. I felt that I couldn't give up on us because I didn't know if I'd given 100% of me to us. I didn't know if you'd given 100% either. I questioned if I held back because you held back. Maybe we were both concerned with being hurt and focused on protecting ourselves. Maybe this ensured that we were hurt because we could do nothing but fail.
I longed for your touch, for your taste, for you. I missed dressing for you, I missed impressing you, I missed surprising you. I have been jealous of things and of people and wished myself with you. I cannot afford to be jealous of a life and of a love that I don't have. I can't look at pictures and long myself there. Through various decisions we have both chosen to not be with each other. These decisions may have been based on pride, on protection, on fear. It doesn't matter what made them, all that matters is that they existed.
I no longer will allow myself to think about it.
I was worthy of your love. I was not deserving of the things that happened. I did not deserve to have my heart broken by you twice. I should not have let you do it. I am the person that I am today because of it. To date, I have not learnt from my mistakes. This changes now.
I was worthy of your love and I am worthy of love in my future. I deserve to have someone to spend my life with. I deserve happiness. I am not going out looking for it, but I will no longer hold myself back from it. To find something new, I must give up something old. I will never stop loving you, but I can no longer afford to hold your love in my hands. With my hands full, I cannot reach out to find new love. I can still love you but can no longer be in love with you.
I will forever be thankful for your love. I will forever remember the times we had, and the things that we did. You did not want to be my love and I will no longer hold on to a love that is not wanted. Now it is time to break my promise to love you forever. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to be lonely and if I can't be with you then I must be with someone else. Many years have passed since I thought of myself as free. For years I have always wanted you, even when I would not admit it. I cannot keep dreaming of something that will not come true. I cannot and it hurts to give up on something that has been my everything. I need to exist outside of all of this. I need to find someone who wants to be with me, I need to find someone who wants to build a future. One day I want to be married and to have children. I want to find my someone to grow old with, someone who will share my triumphs and my tragedies.
I hope that we will still be friends but I cannot continue to believe in the dream that you will love me as I need to be loved. I have lost too much already.
Demand nothing and give all.
Failure is an opportunity. If you blame others, there is no end to blame. Fulfill your obligations, correct your mistakes. Do what you need to do and step away. Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
do and you won't
Stand on your toes and you won't stand firm. Rush ahead and you won't go far. Try to shine and you'll extinguish your light. Try to define yourself and you won't know who you are.
with and without
Act without doing, work without effort, thikn of the large as small and the many as few. Confront the difficult while it is easy, accomplish the great one step at a time. Don't reach and you will find, if you run into trouble throw yourself toward it. Don't cling to comfort and everything will be comfortable.
Earth, Fire, Wind and Water.
Be as careful as crossing frozen water, alert as a warrior on enemy ground. Be as courteous as a Guest, as fluid as a stream. BGe as shapeable as a block of wood, as receptive as a glass. Don't seek and don't expect. Be patient and wait until your mud settles and your water is clear. Be patient and wait. Your mud will settle. Your water will clear.
If you want...
If you want to shrink something, you must first expand it. If you wish to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you must allow it to be given. The soft will overcome the hard. The slow will beat the fast. Don't tell people the way, just show them the results.
ANZAC Day
Some see ANZAC Day as a celebration of war. I don't see it this way. I see ANZAC day as way of respecting the memory of those who have been to war, of those who did not return and of the families of all involved. It is out day, the one day that Australians take time out to remember thos who sacrificed so much for our freedom.
I want to thank those who died for what I now am able to enjoy. This is why I get up early and go to the dawn service every year. For the whole time that I am at the service I have goosebumps.
I spare more than a lingering thought for those who were the enemy. I know that they also lost, so I remember their sacrifice as well.
I know that I am blessed to be Australian. I know it, and today confirms it for I have the freedom to express my thanks as my own personal tribute.
I want to thank those who died for what I now am able to enjoy. This is why I get up early and go to the dawn service every year. For the whole time that I am at the service I have goosebumps.
I spare more than a lingering thought for those who were the enemy. I know that they also lost, so I remember their sacrifice as well.
I know that I am blessed to be Australian. I know it, and today confirms it for I have the freedom to express my thanks as my own personal tribute.
All knowing, all seeing...
Knowing other people is intellegence, knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power. If you realise that what you have is enough, you are rich truely rich. Stay in the center and embrace peace, simplicity, patience and compassion. Embrace the possibility of death and you will endure. Embrace the possibility of life and you will endure.
May the World belong to me soon...
What is more important, fame or integrity. What is more valuable, money or happiness. What is more dangerous, success or failure. If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy. Be content with what you have and take joy in the way things are. When you realise you have all you need, the World belongs to you.
Wise words
What is rooted will grow. what is recent can be fixed. What is brittle will break. Prevent trouble before it finds you, put things in order before they exist. The giant tree grows from a single seed. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. If you rush, you'll fail. Hold on to things too tight and you'll lose them. Take action by letting action come to you. Rmain as calm at the start as at the finish. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. Desire to not desire, learn to unlearn. Care for nothing and you will care for everything.
Lovor and Lovee
In a relationship there is always a lovor and a lovee. In real relationships this changes between the two involved.
Someone always does the chasing, the other one hangs off.
The one that chases, that always gives in is addicted to the love.
The one that hangs off is the one with the power. This power, in itself, is also addictive.
Does love or the addiction keep them together?
What happens when the one or both of things move away?
In the end, it is all about control. This control can be gained by smiles, or silence, or sometimes violence. Control is the mathematics of love. The mathematics helps determine who is the lovor and lovee. One is only part of the equation. Both together, the lovor and lovee, may make love.
Someone always does the chasing, the other one hangs off.
The one that chases, that always gives in is addicted to the love.
The one that hangs off is the one with the power. This power, in itself, is also addictive.
Does love or the addiction keep them together?
What happens when the one or both of things move away?
In the end, it is all about control. This control can be gained by smiles, or silence, or sometimes violence. Control is the mathematics of love. The mathematics helps determine who is the lovor and lovee. One is only part of the equation. Both together, the lovor and lovee, may make love.
Failure
Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else you will never stop blaming. Fulfill your own obligations, correct your own mistakes. Do what you need to do and demand nothing of others.
It is said that the path into light is dark.
It is said that the path into light is dark. That the path forward is backward. That true power seems wak, that true purity seems tarnished, that true resolve seems changeable, that true clarity obscure. The greatest art is unsophisticated, the greatest love indifferent, the greatest wisdom childish.
If...
If you want to be whole, you must first be partial.
If you want to be straight, you must first be crooked.
If you want to be full, first become empty.
If you want to be reborn, you must first die.
If you want everything, give everything up.
If you don't display, people will see your light.
If you have nothing to prove, people will trust you.
If you don't try to be something, people will see themselves in you.
If you don't have a goal, you will always succeed
If you want to be straight, you must first be crooked.
If you want to be full, first become empty.
If you want to be reborn, you must first die.
If you want everything, give everything up.
If you don't display, people will see your light.
If you have nothing to prove, people will trust you.
If you don't try to be something, people will see themselves in you.
If you don't have a goal, you will always succeed
I want...
* To drink a bottle of champagne with him, and to follow it with a number of Espresso Martini's
* To hear his darkest fantasy
* To send him an embrassingly large bunch of flowers or balloons to work
* To help him out of his coat
* To buy him expensive cologne
* To thrill him by taking him out to dinner dressed the way he likes me to
* To softly kiss his lips
* To watch him shave in the morning
* To listen to him talk about something he read or saw
* To laugh at his jokes
* To listen to the sound of his voice, soft and low
* To feel is response to my passionate kisses
* To talk with him for hours about nothing and everything, about life, about people
* To tease him about the mess he makes when he cooks
* To walk on a beach with my hand encased in his
* To feel like the most beautiful woman in the world when he looks at me
* To meet his eyes across the room and know what he is thinking about
* To position my body under his in the pool to help him lay there and float
* To slow dance with him
* To torment him with the things that no one else notices that are completed just for him
* To share tea and toast late in the evening
* To let him decide what we are going to do
* To spend a weekend together, where the outside world ceases to exist
* To share his body heat
* To hear his darkest fantasy
* To send him an embrassingly large bunch of flowers or balloons to work
* To help him out of his coat
* To buy him expensive cologne
* To thrill him by taking him out to dinner dressed the way he likes me to
* To softly kiss his lips
* To watch him shave in the morning
* To listen to him talk about something he read or saw
* To laugh at his jokes
* To listen to the sound of his voice, soft and low
* To feel is response to my passionate kisses
* To talk with him for hours about nothing and everything, about life, about people
* To tease him about the mess he makes when he cooks
* To walk on a beach with my hand encased in his
* To feel like the most beautiful woman in the world when he looks at me
* To meet his eyes across the room and know what he is thinking about
* To position my body under his in the pool to help him lay there and float
* To slow dance with him
* To torment him with the things that no one else notices that are completed just for him
* To share tea and toast late in the evening
* To let him decide what we are going to do
* To spend a weekend together, where the outside world ceases to exist
* To share his body heat
I just wish that it never ended
I can still smell his skin
I can still feel his arm around my hip
I remember it felt reassuring and protective
I remember feeling him watch me as I crossed the room
I was amazed by his eyes that seemed so deep
That I could jump in and seek refuge
He spoke a melody of wonderful things to me
I remember what I heard
And I remember feeling exhilarated
I could cry ad I knew that he would listen
I could disappoint him and I knew with all certainty
That he would always forgive me
I could amaze and bewilder him
And yet I knew that he would never be bored with me
I could see parts of him that he didn't know anyone could see
I helped him see the beauty within him
He did the same for me
I aways saw his talents
His passion
His love of life
And I always felt his intense love for me
He was my best friend
No woman could have ever asked for more
I just wish that it never ended
I can still feel his arm around my hip
I remember it felt reassuring and protective
I remember feeling him watch me as I crossed the room
I was amazed by his eyes that seemed so deep
That I could jump in and seek refuge
He spoke a melody of wonderful things to me
I remember what I heard
And I remember feeling exhilarated
I could cry ad I knew that he would listen
I could disappoint him and I knew with all certainty
That he would always forgive me
I could amaze and bewilder him
And yet I knew that he would never be bored with me
I could see parts of him that he didn't know anyone could see
I helped him see the beauty within him
He did the same for me
I aways saw his talents
His passion
His love of life
And I always felt his intense love for me
He was my best friend
No woman could have ever asked for more
I just wish that it never ended
I miss my Pa
I went for a walk today. The sun was shining and the breeze was cool. I was wearing a jumper but enjoying the cool air against my skin where the zipper was down. I was almost home after strolling around for an hour or so. No one was out an about, the roads were deserterd and the footpaths were free.
I was noticing that the first real signs of autumn are here. Some of the plants are having their last hoorah with bright blooms dancing on the breeze. Others are fruiting and dropping spent fruit on the ground. Perhaps they hope that rain will come and the spent fruit will form young sapplings when the Spring arrives. Here we are, not even in Winter and I am hoping for Spring. Leaves are starting to turn to pale shades of green, some are further along with yellow licking the edges of the leaves.
I really love this time of year. Blankets on the bed, jumpers on at night, a chill in the early morning and a pleasant day. I love watching as the trees settle in for the winter. The colour of their leaves change, and they shed them slowly. The mounds of drying leaves lay on the grass, on the footpath and on the road. They pile up against walls and fill gutters.
Anyway, as I turned the corner for home I walked past this older gentleman. He smiled at me but did not make eye contact. As he passed me, his scent hit me. I was knocked for six. This man smelt like my grandfather. I don't know what it was, but I turned and watched him walk away. He had his hair cut as my grandfather did, short back and sides with a little length on top to allow for a graceful part on the side. He may have used the cream that my grandfather used to slick it down. He was wearing a knitted cardigan. He had dress pants on, iron with a crease down the legs. This is how my grandfather always dressed. I watched him walking away with a tear in my eye. A car drove past and I realised that I was staring. I turned and walked towards home.
I closed my eyes and was transported to my childhood. I could smell my grandfather in my mind. To me, my grandfather is a combination of 4 smells:
He is the smell of the earth when the rain has just fallen - rich, dusty and earthy.
He is the smell of the stranger who passed me on the street - clean and fresh.
He is the smell of peppermint on his breath as he would lean forward to kiss me hello or goodbye - sweet and minty
And he is the scent of old style cigarettes, the kind that you roll yourself - lingering and slightly bitter.
All of these would envelop you as you hugged him tight. This always made me feel safe and secure.
I miss my Pa. Today just reminded me how much this is true.
I was noticing that the first real signs of autumn are here. Some of the plants are having their last hoorah with bright blooms dancing on the breeze. Others are fruiting and dropping spent fruit on the ground. Perhaps they hope that rain will come and the spent fruit will form young sapplings when the Spring arrives. Here we are, not even in Winter and I am hoping for Spring. Leaves are starting to turn to pale shades of green, some are further along with yellow licking the edges of the leaves.
I really love this time of year. Blankets on the bed, jumpers on at night, a chill in the early morning and a pleasant day. I love watching as the trees settle in for the winter. The colour of their leaves change, and they shed them slowly. The mounds of drying leaves lay on the grass, on the footpath and on the road. They pile up against walls and fill gutters.
Anyway, as I turned the corner for home I walked past this older gentleman. He smiled at me but did not make eye contact. As he passed me, his scent hit me. I was knocked for six. This man smelt like my grandfather. I don't know what it was, but I turned and watched him walk away. He had his hair cut as my grandfather did, short back and sides with a little length on top to allow for a graceful part on the side. He may have used the cream that my grandfather used to slick it down. He was wearing a knitted cardigan. He had dress pants on, iron with a crease down the legs. This is how my grandfather always dressed. I watched him walking away with a tear in my eye. A car drove past and I realised that I was staring. I turned and walked towards home.
I closed my eyes and was transported to my childhood. I could smell my grandfather in my mind. To me, my grandfather is a combination of 4 smells:
He is the smell of the earth when the rain has just fallen - rich, dusty and earthy.
He is the smell of the stranger who passed me on the street - clean and fresh.
He is the smell of peppermint on his breath as he would lean forward to kiss me hello or goodbye - sweet and minty
And he is the scent of old style cigarettes, the kind that you roll yourself - lingering and slightly bitter.
All of these would envelop you as you hugged him tight. This always made me feel safe and secure.
I miss my Pa. Today just reminded me how much this is true.
Trapped
Sometimes I feel trapped in this life. Trapped and cheated of what I want from it. Where are the things that I long for? Where is the relationships, the intimacy, the love and passion?
I am too private. I keep to many secrets from the worl. I am a victim of the image that I have created. I am often saving other people, listing to their problems, supporting their causes, handing out advice. I am unable to admit, sometimes even to myself, the misery I sometimes feel.
My life feels like a merry-go-round without the music, without the lights and laughter, without the horses and the carriages. Sometimes it goes round and round in frustrated silence. I am too scared to make a change in case everything grinds to a stop. I am scared that it will just go round and round and round without every going anywhere.
I try to do the right thing. I try not to hurt anyone. I try to conform to what I think others need and want me to be. Is this going to destroy me? Is this going to destroy those I love?
One thing I know is that faking life will eventually kill you. A death that is slow and painful to all involved.
I am too private. I keep to many secrets from the worl. I am a victim of the image that I have created. I am often saving other people, listing to their problems, supporting their causes, handing out advice. I am unable to admit, sometimes even to myself, the misery I sometimes feel.
My life feels like a merry-go-round without the music, without the lights and laughter, without the horses and the carriages. Sometimes it goes round and round in frustrated silence. I am too scared to make a change in case everything grinds to a stop. I am scared that it will just go round and round and round without every going anywhere.
I try to do the right thing. I try not to hurt anyone. I try to conform to what I think others need and want me to be. Is this going to destroy me? Is this going to destroy those I love?
One thing I know is that faking life will eventually kill you. A death that is slow and painful to all involved.
Chapter 66 "The Naked Husband" by Mark D'Arbanville
There is a woman standing on the shore, looking out to sea. She is waiting for her lover to retutn and he never comes.
Why did he leave, why did she not go with him?
Was he a fisherman, was he lost?
Or is she waiting for him to come back?
Too late to long for a lover after you have sent him away.
They cross the seas and they drown or they disappear.
Why did he leave, why did she not go with him?
Was he a fisherman, was he lost?
Or is she waiting for him to come back?
Too late to long for a lover after you have sent him away.
They cross the seas and they drown or they disappear.
The Calm
Often my mind will not be quiet. I am unable to silence it when it screams at me. Screams for doing things, for not doing things.
Right now I am calm. I am quiet and empty.
During the long nights when I can't sleep, when I toss and turn, if there is anything I seek then it is this. The calm.
If I believed in God, I would pray for this. If there is a God or something higher, for me it is this. The calm.
At night, when I long to be held there is no one. When I have to find something that will hold me when I need to hold on, it is the calm.
When I am calm. There is no anger. There is no rage. There is no want. There is no need. There is no desire. There is no hatred. No shame. No regret. No grief, nor sadness nor depression.
Most of all there is no fear. There is absolutely no fear.
When a person lives without fear, then they cannot be broken.
When a person lives with fear, then they are broken before they begins to live.
The calm is that which I am seeking. I have right now but will lose again.
Right now I am calm. I am quiet and empty.
During the long nights when I can't sleep, when I toss and turn, if there is anything I seek then it is this. The calm.
If I believed in God, I would pray for this. If there is a God or something higher, for me it is this. The calm.
At night, when I long to be held there is no one. When I have to find something that will hold me when I need to hold on, it is the calm.
When I am calm. There is no anger. There is no rage. There is no want. There is no need. There is no desire. There is no hatred. No shame. No regret. No grief, nor sadness nor depression.
Most of all there is no fear. There is absolutely no fear.
When a person lives without fear, then they cannot be broken.
When a person lives with fear, then they are broken before they begins to live.
The calm is that which I am seeking. I have right now but will lose again.
Time for a change
I've set some goals and I am going to succeed. This is my chance to change my life. This is big for me but not big for anyone else. It's all about me.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
Cath's Wedding
Today I went to Cath's wedding today and shed a tear. The bride looked stunning, she glowed. The groom looked calm and handsome. They looked at eachother with such love and longing that I was saddened and envious. Not envious of Cath, because she deserves to be happy and in love. Envious because noone is looking at me with heartbreaking desire and tenderness.
Someday it will be mine... It will be mine... It wil lbe mine...
Someday it will be me... It will be me... It will be me...
Someday someone will want to take me "for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do we part"...
And then again, it may not.
If it is to be, it will be....
Someday it will be mine... It will be mine... It wil lbe mine...
Someday it will be me... It will be me... It will be me...
Someday someone will want to take me "for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do we part"...
And then again, it may not.
If it is to be, it will be....
Good Girl
The good girl is a good girl because she behaves as everyone around her expects her to behave.
She is, without a doubt, a good daugher. If she has siblings, she is a thoughtful sister. When she has a partner, she is a great girlfriend. When she marries, she is a good wife. After she gives birth (and really before that), she is a fantastic mum.
The problem with good girls, is that when the house of cards comes down the good girl has nothing. When her parents pass away, she is lost. It hits her hard. When her husband has an affair, she is shattered. When her children grow up, she feels alone.
I'm not saying that the same situations don't hurt bad girls, it is just that the good girl has spent her life being everything to everyone else and nothing to themself.
I am not always good girl. I am glad of this.
I sometimes fight too much for the things that I want, sometimes I am a good girl and do what others want. I need to learn when it is important to fight.
She is, without a doubt, a good daugher. If she has siblings, she is a thoughtful sister. When she has a partner, she is a great girlfriend. When she marries, she is a good wife. After she gives birth (and really before that), she is a fantastic mum.
The problem with good girls, is that when the house of cards comes down the good girl has nothing. When her parents pass away, she is lost. It hits her hard. When her husband has an affair, she is shattered. When her children grow up, she feels alone.
I'm not saying that the same situations don't hurt bad girls, it is just that the good girl has spent her life being everything to everyone else and nothing to themself.
I am not always good girl. I am glad of this.
I sometimes fight too much for the things that I want, sometimes I am a good girl and do what others want. I need to learn when it is important to fight.
On the weekend
I went driving through the mountains on the weekend. My destination was a santuary, a gallery set on a couple of hectares. 93 ceremic sculptures set in some of the most beautiful country I have ever seen.
I was by myself, so I turned left when the road to the left looked interesting and turned right when there was a sign pointing me in a different direction. The weather was beautiful. The sky was filled with whisps of clouds, and the sun was warm but not burning. The mountain air was cool enough to require a light coat, but warm enough to leave it open. I took photo after photo. The shades of green are fantastic. So many different shades, so many different textures... Stunning...
On the drive home I took a detour of my own choice. I'm driving down the curving traec, loving the twists and turns in the road. I've my window down, feeling the cool breeze and the sunshin on my skin. I round a curve and the blast of smoke hits me in the face. I look left and look right and there are no flames. The next corner exposes a recently burnt hillside to my left. It's strange to see the scar of the fire. I have to pull over so that I can take some time and soak it all in. I get out and walk across the road. Before me through the burnt tree trunks is a stunningly green valley. The blackness spreads before me, contrasting with the green. I turn to cross back across the road and notice that further up the hill, the bush was burnt a little earlier. There was a mass of green where new shoots had broken through the blackness.
I'm amazed at resilence of the Australian Bush.
I was by myself, so I turned left when the road to the left looked interesting and turned right when there was a sign pointing me in a different direction. The weather was beautiful. The sky was filled with whisps of clouds, and the sun was warm but not burning. The mountain air was cool enough to require a light coat, but warm enough to leave it open. I took photo after photo. The shades of green are fantastic. So many different shades, so many different textures... Stunning...
On the drive home I took a detour of my own choice. I'm driving down the curving traec, loving the twists and turns in the road. I've my window down, feeling the cool breeze and the sunshin on my skin. I round a curve and the blast of smoke hits me in the face. I look left and look right and there are no flames. The next corner exposes a recently burnt hillside to my left. It's strange to see the scar of the fire. I have to pull over so that I can take some time and soak it all in. I get out and walk across the road. Before me through the burnt tree trunks is a stunningly green valley. The blackness spreads before me, contrasting with the green. I turn to cross back across the road and notice that further up the hill, the bush was burnt a little earlier. There was a mass of green where new shoots had broken through the blackness.
I'm amazed at resilence of the Australian Bush.
I am not anti-social
I require plenty of alone time to recharge after being in the presence of other people. I work in a job where I talk to people hours and hours a day. When I finish work I like to run away. I like to hide in my home. I am not anti-social. In a social situation, I am the social butterfly, flitting from group to group, from conversation to conversation.
Most people think that I am an extravert. This is not an act, but it is not truely me. I crave, no I need to spend time on my own. I love time on my own.
I hope that people don't see me as secretive or unfriendly... as aloof and superior... as a snob. If they do, there is nothing I can do about this. If I was a man I might be seen as mysterious or intense... as a "dark-silent" type... I am a lurker, I hang out on the fringes and I watch a lot fo what goes on.
I do get short with people. I do run out of patience, and I have a low tolerance for people who are dumb and an even shorter tolerance for people who act dumb.
I love that I can be an extrovert. I love that I am an introvert. I love the way that I am...
Most people think that I am an extravert. This is not an act, but it is not truely me. I crave, no I need to spend time on my own. I love time on my own.
I hope that people don't see me as secretive or unfriendly... as aloof and superior... as a snob. If they do, there is nothing I can do about this. If I was a man I might be seen as mysterious or intense... as a "dark-silent" type... I am a lurker, I hang out on the fringes and I watch a lot fo what goes on.
I do get short with people. I do run out of patience, and I have a low tolerance for people who are dumb and an even shorter tolerance for people who act dumb.
I love that I can be an extrovert. I love that I am an introvert. I love the way that I am...
Imperfect People
Imperfect people make this world perfect.
Imperfect people talk too loud from behind their partition at work.
Imperfect people laugh too long at a joke that was not funny.
Imperfect people walk into conversations that should not be made.
Imperfect people make logical arguements in illogical discussions.
Imperfect people bake cakes with pure butter icing.
Imperfect people have bad hair days.
Imperfect people continue to dance when the music stops.
Imperfect people drive fast in the slow lane.
Imperfect people stare at the sky as the earth crumbles around them.
Imperfect people spend more than they make on thing that they don't need.
Imperfect people wear crinkled clothes that do not match.
Imperfect people cry when they are sad or happy.
Imperfect people write notes on their hands to remind them what not to do.
Imperfect people love too wrong for too long.
Imperfect people adore melted icecream and luke warm coffee.
Imperfect people drink red wine with white fleshed fish.
Imperfect people are perfect becasuse they are imperfect in so many ways.
Imperfect people talk too loud from behind their partition at work.
Imperfect people laugh too long at a joke that was not funny.
Imperfect people walk into conversations that should not be made.
Imperfect people make logical arguements in illogical discussions.
Imperfect people bake cakes with pure butter icing.
Imperfect people have bad hair days.
Imperfect people continue to dance when the music stops.
Imperfect people drive fast in the slow lane.
Imperfect people stare at the sky as the earth crumbles around them.
Imperfect people spend more than they make on thing that they don't need.
Imperfect people wear crinkled clothes that do not match.
Imperfect people cry when they are sad or happy.
Imperfect people write notes on their hands to remind them what not to do.
Imperfect people love too wrong for too long.
Imperfect people adore melted icecream and luke warm coffee.
Imperfect people drink red wine with white fleshed fish.
Imperfect people are perfect becasuse they are imperfect in so many ways.
I love country music...
From this
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the misery I go through
Never knowing what to do
Oh the pain of loving you
You just can't stand
To see me happy
Seeing you hurt me
All you can
Still I go on loving you
But I never understand
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the misery I go through
Never knowing what to do
Oh the pain of loving you
To love and hate at the same time
The line between the two is fine
The two have owned me heart and soul
So strong that I can't let you go
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the misery that I go through
Never knowing what to do
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the pain of loving you
To this
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
Just to see him smile
Makes my life worthwhile
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
And I do
I'll be good to him
I'll bring love to him
Everyone says there will come a day
That I'll walk alongside of him
Yes just to know him
Is to love love love him
And I do
Why can't he see me
How blind can he be
Someday he'll see
That he was meant for me
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
Just to see him smile
Makes my life worthwhile
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
And I do
Just have to love Dolly Parton... just have to... there is no other option
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the misery I go through
Never knowing what to do
Oh the pain of loving you
You just can't stand
To see me happy
Seeing you hurt me
All you can
Still I go on loving you
But I never understand
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the misery I go through
Never knowing what to do
Oh the pain of loving you
To love and hate at the same time
The line between the two is fine
The two have owned me heart and soul
So strong that I can't let you go
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the misery that I go through
Never knowing what to do
Oh the pain of loving you
Oh the pain of loving you
To this
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
Just to see him smile
Makes my life worthwhile
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
And I do
I'll be good to him
I'll bring love to him
Everyone says there will come a day
That I'll walk alongside of him
Yes just to know him
Is to love love love him
And I do
Why can't he see me
How blind can he be
Someday he'll see
That he was meant for me
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
Just to see him smile
Makes my life worthwhile
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
And I do
Just have to love Dolly Parton... just have to... there is no other option
I hope I don't end up with regret
Tonight I've been watching a TV program about women having babies.
I've always known that it is more difficult to fall pregnant, carrying a baby to term and giving birth to a healthy baby when you (as a woman) are older than 30. It is harder to fall and IVF is not always an option or even if it is, not always a solution. There is the increased chance of having a miscarriage. There are increased risks of serious illness to the baby.
For the last couple of months or more, I have been wanting to have a baby. I want to be a mum, but I am not in a relationship. Now I know that I don't need to be in a relationship or married to have a baby. I could not imagine having a child and having noone to share it with.
I hope that I don't find that in the future that I look back and regret the decisions that I have made. I think that this may be one of the few things that I may look back and regret.
I've always known that it is more difficult to fall pregnant, carrying a baby to term and giving birth to a healthy baby when you (as a woman) are older than 30. It is harder to fall and IVF is not always an option or even if it is, not always a solution. There is the increased chance of having a miscarriage. There are increased risks of serious illness to the baby.
For the last couple of months or more, I have been wanting to have a baby. I want to be a mum, but I am not in a relationship. Now I know that I don't need to be in a relationship or married to have a baby. I could not imagine having a child and having noone to share it with.
I hope that I don't find that in the future that I look back and regret the decisions that I have made. I think that this may be one of the few things that I may look back and regret.
The unsaid thoughts
Are unsaid thoughts dangerous? I conversed with an image of my ex while washing up. This is the extent of the conversation...
I pride myself on honesty, but I have been dishonest with you and with myself. The truth is that I still love you. I always have and fear that I always will.
I wanted to ask you if there was any chance for us to be together. I wanted to ask and for you to tell me yes or no. If you said yes, I would have been scared and lost. If you said no, I would have be sad and lost. I have spent a large time of my life deluding myself. I still feel like I don't know why we broke up. I'm sure that I had a significant amount of impact into this, but I don't understand my part. I don't understand wha tI need to do to improve me. I don't know what I could have done to stop it.
I still think about us. Have you been thinking about us? I think about the things that we did. I think about the places we have been, the meals that we have shared and the memories we created. I miss you. I miss the scent of you, the feel of you and the taste of you. I miss sharing my life with you, my triumphs and tragedies. I miss curling up into you and waking up with you. I miss the way that you made me feel when we were together. I miss the excitment that you brought to my life.
I pride myself on honesty, but I have been dishonest with you and with myself. The truth is that I still love you. I always have and fear that I always will.
I wanted to ask you if there was any chance for us to be together. I wanted to ask and for you to tell me yes or no. If you said yes, I would have been scared and lost. If you said no, I would have be sad and lost. I have spent a large time of my life deluding myself. I still feel like I don't know why we broke up. I'm sure that I had a significant amount of impact into this, but I don't understand my part. I don't understand wha tI need to do to improve me. I don't know what I could have done to stop it.
I still think about us. Have you been thinking about us? I think about the things that we did. I think about the places we have been, the meals that we have shared and the memories we created. I miss you. I miss the scent of you, the feel of you and the taste of you. I miss sharing my life with you, my triumphs and tragedies. I miss curling up into you and waking up with you. I miss the way that you made me feel when we were together. I miss the excitment that you brought to my life.
Feeling antisocial
I've been feeling antisocial all week. I've been rude to friends and family on the phone, I've been rude to people at work. I've had my phone off the hook since I got home from work on Friday night. I've not spoken to anyone. No person to person, no phone, no sms and no email.
I've not spent my weekend shopping, and I have not even done the groceries for next the coming week. I've spent the weekend fiddle farting around. I'm moved things from the garage to the spare room, from my room to the spare room, from the lounge room to the garage. I've swept and I've vacuumed and I plan to mop. I've soaked, and I've washed and I've dried clothing and curtains and doona covers.
I've had a face mask, a hair mask and now I'm covered in a thin layer of nutty scented body lotion. I've finished a book and I'm half way through another. I've been listening to music I rarely get a chance to listen to. I've eaten scrambled eggs for breakfast, toasted sandwiches for lunch and frozen leftovers for dinner. I've made and drunk pots of coffee. I've set my alarm for early and slept in late.
I've sorted and folded the linen closet. I've rearranged my room. I've put the spare room into a pretty image of a guest room.
I feel like I've made this weekend a cocoon for myself. It's now almost 5pm on Sunday and I'm starting to think about emerging from the cocoon to face the coming week.
Later I'll plug my phone back in and call my family to let them know that I am alive and well.
I may have been feeling antisocial, but now I am feeling settled. I like it and might have to do this more often.
I've not spent my weekend shopping, and I have not even done the groceries for next the coming week. I've spent the weekend fiddle farting around. I'm moved things from the garage to the spare room, from my room to the spare room, from the lounge room to the garage. I've swept and I've vacuumed and I plan to mop. I've soaked, and I've washed and I've dried clothing and curtains and doona covers.
I've had a face mask, a hair mask and now I'm covered in a thin layer of nutty scented body lotion. I've finished a book and I'm half way through another. I've been listening to music I rarely get a chance to listen to. I've eaten scrambled eggs for breakfast, toasted sandwiches for lunch and frozen leftovers for dinner. I've made and drunk pots of coffee. I've set my alarm for early and slept in late.
I've sorted and folded the linen closet. I've rearranged my room. I've put the spare room into a pretty image of a guest room.
I feel like I've made this weekend a cocoon for myself. It's now almost 5pm on Sunday and I'm starting to think about emerging from the cocoon to face the coming week.
Later I'll plug my phone back in and call my family to let them know that I am alive and well.
I may have been feeling antisocial, but now I am feeling settled. I like it and might have to do this more often.
It's been a while
It's been a while since I've blogged. A fair bit has happened, none of it earthshattering, but all of it adds up to a lot.
I went home to a family reunion. I caught up with a large amount of family, from near and far. It was fun and I am glad that it happnes once every couple of years.
I have been working on my resume, working on assignments.
My housemate has moved out. I have been setting my home back into my home.
I have been thinking about friends who I rarely get to. I have been weighing up relationships that I have and find some of them lacking. I don't know what to do about that.
I have been knitting.
I have been fighting loneliness and the desire to be with someone who makes my heart beat a little faster. I don't kno wif it beats faster because of the way he makes me feel or because I am scared. Maybe it is a combination of both.
I have read a couple of books and watched way too much TV.
Life is busy and it is starting to get back to some sense of normality.
I went home to a family reunion. I caught up with a large amount of family, from near and far. It was fun and I am glad that it happnes once every couple of years.
I have been working on my resume, working on assignments.
My housemate has moved out. I have been setting my home back into my home.
I have been thinking about friends who I rarely get to. I have been weighing up relationships that I have and find some of them lacking. I don't know what to do about that.
I have been knitting.
I have been fighting loneliness and the desire to be with someone who makes my heart beat a little faster. I don't kno wif it beats faster because of the way he makes me feel or because I am scared. Maybe it is a combination of both.
I have read a couple of books and watched way too much TV.
Life is busy and it is starting to get back to some sense of normality.
Old Age
I have found that now I am of a certain age, that I am more... more something... I want to say tolerant, but know that my lack of tolerance sometimes frustrates me. Maybe it is that I am more distant. I have separated myself more from people and situations. I am one step back, which means that it takes longer for me to burn hot with fury, to laugh out loud at an amusing moment.
I feel that I can recognise the patterns in life. I feel that I have identified most of the tempations. I know the way the people use people, as I find myself often using people.
There is no glamour in the menial corruptions that happen each day. The fun of conspiracy has decreased. I am more likely to tell someone that I have hiden their prized item and moments later am returning that item. Years ago I could take and hide an item for weeks and get immense pleasure from the deception and deceipt.
I'm no so old that I don't want to waste the energy. I am happy to watch those younger doing their bit. I am happy to advise them on the evil that they can create. I just don't bother any more.
I feel that I can recognise the patterns in life. I feel that I have identified most of the tempations. I know the way the people use people, as I find myself often using people.
There is no glamour in the menial corruptions that happen each day. The fun of conspiracy has decreased. I am more likely to tell someone that I have hiden their prized item and moments later am returning that item. Years ago I could take and hide an item for weeks and get immense pleasure from the deception and deceipt.
I'm no so old that I don't want to waste the energy. I am happy to watch those younger doing their bit. I am happy to advise them on the evil that they can create. I just don't bother any more.
Have I passed love by?
Have I passed love by or has love passed me by,
I am starting to wonder if I am going to turn into an old bachelorette. I fear that I am going to become one of those bitter old bachelorettes. I know that I will never have a hundred kittens, but I may have the personality.
Love is always lurking around the corner. Other people seem to find it, tripping over love when they least expect it. I have fallen over once, it hurt, but the wounds stopped bleeding.
I am concerned that I never had the capacity to love as others need to be loved. I am worried that all that I have to offer is never going to be enough. I know that I can be annoying, and I know that I have things that I do are frustrating, but I can't change who I am. I can't even minimise it if noone tells me what is wrong with me.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder if this is it. I wonder if this is all tha tlife has to offer. I think that something has to change, that I have to change, but I don't know what that thing is. I don't know what to do to make me better. I don't know if I am going to do it even if I could find out.
I'm worried about just making do. I worry about taking a chance and that chance being the wrong one. I worry about not taking a chance and that chance being the right one. I'm worried about living the life I live now forever. I am worried that I won't grow, that I won't find love. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be married. I want to make a home with someone. I think I want to have a baby. I don't know about the last one, but I want more. Unfortunately I want these things and I want it all. I want love and family and a future.
Has love passed me by? Have I passed love by?
I am starting to wonder if I am going to turn into an old bachelorette. I fear that I am going to become one of those bitter old bachelorettes. I know that I will never have a hundred kittens, but I may have the personality.
Love is always lurking around the corner. Other people seem to find it, tripping over love when they least expect it. I have fallen over once, it hurt, but the wounds stopped bleeding.
I am concerned that I never had the capacity to love as others need to be loved. I am worried that all that I have to offer is never going to be enough. I know that I can be annoying, and I know that I have things that I do are frustrating, but I can't change who I am. I can't even minimise it if noone tells me what is wrong with me.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder if this is it. I wonder if this is all tha tlife has to offer. I think that something has to change, that I have to change, but I don't know what that thing is. I don't know what to do to make me better. I don't know if I am going to do it even if I could find out.
I'm worried about just making do. I worry about taking a chance and that chance being the wrong one. I worry about not taking a chance and that chance being the right one. I'm worried about living the life I live now forever. I am worried that I won't grow, that I won't find love. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be married. I want to make a home with someone. I think I want to have a baby. I don't know about the last one, but I want more. Unfortunately I want these things and I want it all. I want love and family and a future.
Has love passed me by? Have I passed love by?
Loneliness
Sometimes I am alone. My life feels to be in the middle of nowhere. I have been known to isolate myself, by my actions and my words.
For me, loneliness no longer holds the intense fear that it once did.
Loneliness is female. She is female because at times she is happy to linger in the background and watch my life move past her. Sometimes she is so loud that I have to put both of my hands over my ears with the hope of reducing her ear-bleeding scream. Sometimes she is so strong that I alone can exist in her presence.
I know her boundaries. I have mapped her highs and lows. I know how she feels. I know what she likes and what she does not.
I have not lost the capacity to feel lonely, I fear loosing that. If I lost the capacity to feel loneliness I would fear that I had lost the capacity to feel. At times, when I have feared that I would never feel anything again I rejoiced in the visits from loneliness. Loneliness has been my friend, my lover and my sworn enemy at different times.
For me, loneliness no longer holds the intense fear that it once did.
Loneliness is female. She is female because at times she is happy to linger in the background and watch my life move past her. Sometimes she is so loud that I have to put both of my hands over my ears with the hope of reducing her ear-bleeding scream. Sometimes she is so strong that I alone can exist in her presence.
I know her boundaries. I have mapped her highs and lows. I know how she feels. I know what she likes and what she does not.
I have not lost the capacity to feel lonely, I fear loosing that. If I lost the capacity to feel loneliness I would fear that I had lost the capacity to feel. At times, when I have feared that I would never feel anything again I rejoiced in the visits from loneliness. Loneliness has been my friend, my lover and my sworn enemy at different times.
To start something new, something old has to end...
How do I make something end that I want to end?
I don't know how to make the past end so that something new can begin... I need to make new things begin...
I thought that if I just continued and lived one day at a time that things would come to an end so that new things could begin. Don't get me wrong, I don't imagine that things are going to begin imediately after to old things end. I imagined some time of morning, but I am in limbo and don't know how to move on.
I have been looking around at places to escape to. I have been tossing up with the idea of moving back to my home state, of starting a new job and therefore a new but old life.
Is this running back towards something that I ran away from? I don't know. I want something new I want to discard the old. This is not ignoring the past as my past contributes to who I am. This is just so that I can place the past in the past.
I want to move on from all the things that hold me back to become all that I hope that I am meant to be.
I don't know how to make the past end so that something new can begin... I need to make new things begin...
I thought that if I just continued and lived one day at a time that things would come to an end so that new things could begin. Don't get me wrong, I don't imagine that things are going to begin imediately after to old things end. I imagined some time of morning, but I am in limbo and don't know how to move on.
I have been looking around at places to escape to. I have been tossing up with the idea of moving back to my home state, of starting a new job and therefore a new but old life.
Is this running back towards something that I ran away from? I don't know. I want something new I want to discard the old. This is not ignoring the past as my past contributes to who I am. This is just so that I can place the past in the past.
I want to move on from all the things that hold me back to become all that I hope that I am meant to be.
Someone elses wisdom
1) change is unchangable
2) no one has the power to change the unchangable
3) I love myself as I am
4) resisting adversity many people break other break records
5) to see the things as it
6) to err is human and we all are humans
7) it is very difficult to change the other person, a better option is for you to change and be happy
8) the man who wins is the man who thinks he can
9) I believe in win-win policy
10) the harder you work the lucker you go
11) success requires calculated risk and planned consistent efforts
2) no one has the power to change the unchangable
3) I love myself as I am
4) resisting adversity many people break other break records
5) to see the things as it
6) to err is human and we all are humans
7) it is very difficult to change the other person, a better option is for you to change and be happy
8) the man who wins is the man who thinks he can
9) I believe in win-win policy
10) the harder you work the lucker you go
11) success requires calculated risk and planned consistent efforts
Don't do it...
Tell me not to do it... I've been thinking about it endlessly for days. I should not do it... I am not going to do it... if you tell me not to do it...
I wish I had never asked
I had been hoping that you had been missing me. Sometimes I am not as strong as I seem. You sent me postcards when you were overseas. I thought that it meant something. I was wrong.
I dared to ask you why you had sent the postcards. I hoped that you wanted me, thought of me, missed me, or loved me. I was wrong. You sent me postcards because I asked. I don't remember asking, but I don't doubt you.
I wish I had never asked for you to send the postcards.
I wish I had never asked why.
I dared to ask you why you had sent the postcards. I hoped that you wanted me, thought of me, missed me, or loved me. I was wrong. You sent me postcards because I asked. I don't remember asking, but I don't doubt you.
I wish I had never asked for you to send the postcards.
I wish I had never asked why.
My Home
Tonight I celebrate my home.
My home right now is in a tiny 2 bedroom flat. I have a small backyard that I constantly need to mow, a small front garden that I really should do more with. My home is my home, it is filled with the things that make me smile.
Some people view my home as somewhere to far from anywhere. It is ideal for me, it is close to work and close to everywhere I need to go. It is close to both train and bus to go to the city.
Some people view my home as a place that is empty of creative spaces. A place does not a creative space make. A creative space is creative because of the people that are in it. A creative spaces is creative because the people in it create.
Some people view my home as a place that they would rather not be. That is fine as this is my home. This is the place that I feel secure and comfortable.
No, my home is not trendy, but then neither am I.
Yes, my home could use some repair work, but then so could I.
My home is not brave because my heart is not brave. I am just a small country town girl. I moved to a new city and this place felt like home when I walked into it. This place was comfortable when I was searching hard for comfort.
My home by definition is my space. It is a space that I have invited people to share. If they don't like it, then they are more than welcome to leave. My home is my place for retreat, my place for solace and my place to come home to. When friends imply that my home is not good enough, they imply that I am not good enough.
It hurts me when they critise my home. This is where I choose to live. Where I have invited them to share. It hurts me as I have openly shared this space with them more than once. It hurts me more than they know.
All are welcome to come and stay in my home, but don't critise because it is a reflecion of me. Yes, I know that my home is not \their ideal... but remember that this is my home.
My home, my choice, my celebration...
My home right now is in a tiny 2 bedroom flat. I have a small backyard that I constantly need to mow, a small front garden that I really should do more with. My home is my home, it is filled with the things that make me smile.
Some people view my home as somewhere to far from anywhere. It is ideal for me, it is close to work and close to everywhere I need to go. It is close to both train and bus to go to the city.
Some people view my home as a place that is empty of creative spaces. A place does not a creative space make. A creative space is creative because of the people that are in it. A creative spaces is creative because the people in it create.
Some people view my home as a place that they would rather not be. That is fine as this is my home. This is the place that I feel secure and comfortable.
No, my home is not trendy, but then neither am I.
Yes, my home could use some repair work, but then so could I.
My home is not brave because my heart is not brave. I am just a small country town girl. I moved to a new city and this place felt like home when I walked into it. This place was comfortable when I was searching hard for comfort.
My home by definition is my space. It is a space that I have invited people to share. If they don't like it, then they are more than welcome to leave. My home is my place for retreat, my place for solace and my place to come home to. When friends imply that my home is not good enough, they imply that I am not good enough.
It hurts me when they critise my home. This is where I choose to live. Where I have invited them to share. It hurts me as I have openly shared this space with them more than once. It hurts me more than they know.
All are welcome to come and stay in my home, but don't critise because it is a reflecion of me. Yes, I know that my home is not \their ideal... but remember that this is my home.
My home, my choice, my celebration...
Life is all about celebration
Everyone needs to celebrate
Celebrate whatever makes you feel good
Celebrate your hair, your butt, your laugh, your eyes, your smile, your shoes or your thighs
Celebrate your imagination or your loyalty or your willingness to give all
Celebrate your past, your present and your future
Celebrate your past, your present and your future mistakes
Celebrate the little things that make you different
Celebrate your most secretive fantasies
Celebrate your choices - your job, your friends, your food, your mood
Celebrate the silence, the chaos
Celebrate your freedoms
Celebrate humankind
Celebrate ypi
Celebrate, simple but perhaps not that easy
Celebrate whatever makes you feel good
Celebrate your hair, your butt, your laugh, your eyes, your smile, your shoes or your thighs
Celebrate your imagination or your loyalty or your willingness to give all
Celebrate your past, your present and your future
Celebrate your past, your present and your future mistakes
Celebrate the little things that make you different
Celebrate your most secretive fantasies
Celebrate your choices - your job, your friends, your food, your mood
Celebrate the silence, the chaos
Celebrate your freedoms
Celebrate humankind
Celebrate ypi
Celebrate, simple but perhaps not that easy
Long Time Between Posts
So, it has been a long time between posts. In that time, I have had my birthday, celebrated Christmas and seen in the new year.
Sometimes things change and sometimes they don't.
This Christmas I spent with friends and family. There was a large amount of laughter and love. There was teasing and tormenting. There was way too much food. I really enjoyed the time that I spent with the friends and family that I live thousands of kilometres from.
This new year I thought of all the things that have happened in the last 12 months. I've thought of the hurts that have healed and the hurts that have not. I wonder about the wounds that become scars. I think of all the scars that make up me and my past. Some I remember fondly, some I remember with pain. I think of all th things that I want and the fact that some of them will not come true in the next 12 months. I think of the ones that will become true and all the things that this means for me. I think of my family and the wonderful joys that will come. I worry about the sorrow that may also come. Each time I go home, I dread that it will be the last time I go home and chat with my Nana. I dread that my next trip home will be to bury her. I am not ready to say goodbye to any more of my history. It will happen but I am not going to prepare for it.
I have a lot of dreams that I hope will come true this year. Some things are within my control. These are the things that I will take action on.
I don't do resolutions, because I always disappoint myself. We'll see if I am a stronger person this year. For all the things that I am and to all the things that I will be, I give thanks that I have seen 2007 in in health.
To good times, to good friends, to new adventures and old memories. May they all be balanced this year - for both you and me...
Sometimes things change and sometimes they don't.
This Christmas I spent with friends and family. There was a large amount of laughter and love. There was teasing and tormenting. There was way too much food. I really enjoyed the time that I spent with the friends and family that I live thousands of kilometres from.
This new year I thought of all the things that have happened in the last 12 months. I've thought of the hurts that have healed and the hurts that have not. I wonder about the wounds that become scars. I think of all the scars that make up me and my past. Some I remember fondly, some I remember with pain. I think of all th things that I want and the fact that some of them will not come true in the next 12 months. I think of the ones that will become true and all the things that this means for me. I think of my family and the wonderful joys that will come. I worry about the sorrow that may also come. Each time I go home, I dread that it will be the last time I go home and chat with my Nana. I dread that my next trip home will be to bury her. I am not ready to say goodbye to any more of my history. It will happen but I am not going to prepare for it.
I have a lot of dreams that I hope will come true this year. Some things are within my control. These are the things that I will take action on.
I don't do resolutions, because I always disappoint myself. We'll see if I am a stronger person this year. For all the things that I am and to all the things that I will be, I give thanks that I have seen 2007 in in health.
To good times, to good friends, to new adventures and old memories. May they all be balanced this year - for both you and me...
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