Okay, so today I am over it all.
I am over working. Over struggling on the project to bring the team up to speed. Over worrying about the solution not meeting the business requirements. Over the long hours and the late nights and the decreasing focus on quality to hit the date that has been requested.
I am over being something I am not. I've been trying to be more that I am. More patient, more honest, more open. It's backfiring on me. Personality faults that I have always had are coming back and haunting me. Yes, I am judgemental. Yes, I am stubborn. Yes, I am too proud. Yes, I expect too much. Yes, I am fast to laugh. Yes, I overthink almost every thing. I can't help it. I am trying to calm it all down and to turn it off. It is not working as people still see me with old eyes. This means that my new actions aren't seen for what they are. Supporting someone and being encouraging can be seen as taking the piss. Don't compare me to what I was. I have always been painfully aware of my personality faults, and I am now activley working on them.
I am tired. I am plain tired. I need to sleep and revitalise. I am tired of working hard. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being judged.
I just want to sit in the dark and cry. I can't do this as self pity only lasts in the light. If you take it into the dark, it shines and can't be fulfilled.
It's okay. I'll sleep, I'll recharge. The need to beat all challenges will return. It will return. It will return...