You called me to see if we could be together again. This time I said no. If you had come to me before I told everyone that we had broken up, then maybe, just maybe. It tears my heart out to think about it, but I can't do it to myself. Everyone says that you are not good for me.
Friendship to Nothing.
Nothing to Love.
Love to Nothing.
Nothing to Love.
Love to Nothing.
Three times you have changed your mind. Twice I have taken you back. I can't take you back this time. I can't do it because I don't trust that it would last.
Now it is to be Nothing forever.
Okay, so I understand that you have changed your mind. Perhaps you now realise that I was a good thing for you. It all does not matter. Life goes on, my life is without you and your life is without me. It has to be because there is no other option.
There is to be no more contact. You are not to try to see me. You are not to call, not to email and not to text.
You cried when I said "Goodbye". I'm sorry for that. I am sorry for telling you that you can call me on the anniversary of the date we meet. I will not answer the phone. I will not respond.
It has to be over. And I will not be waiting. Tomorrow, you will not be welcome. Next week, you will not be welcome. Next year, you will not be welcome. Next decade, you will not be welcome.
Yes, I do love you. I probably will for all time. But my life is not with yours. I hope to find someone who can love me for who I am, for all I am and for all that I can be.
I hope that you find someone who loves you and I hope that that same someone you will love.
I hope that you understand why I had to say no. There was no choice. I can't go back again. I don't have the strength to survive.
Why?
When you have something and it is yours, the value of it is deminished. When you have let it go and no longer can claim it to be yours, why is its value increased. Unfortunately some times you cannot go back, you cannot start again, you will never be able to claim what once was yours as yours again.
Some things cannot be unbroken. Some things cannot be forgiven. Some things cannot be forgotten. Some things cannot be reclaimed. Some things cannot be resolved.
This is the hardest lesson of all.
Some things cannot be unbroken. Some things cannot be forgiven. Some things cannot be forgotten. Some things cannot be reclaimed. Some things cannot be resolved.
This is the hardest lesson of all.
Important Things
Often we forget the things that are important. These things cannot be purchased from a store. They are things that are earnt, learnt or given. Examples of this follow: Respect is earnt. Speach is learnt. Love is given.
Christmas
It is the night before Christmas. In fact it will be Christmas in only 33 minutes. In 33 minutes I will turn 29. It's amazing how 2 so very different thoughts can be flowing in my head at one time.
Right now the two driving thoughts are:
1. I love Christmas because I get to spend time with my family, something that happens rarely as I live 2000 kms away, and
2. I can't believe that I am soon 29 and this is all that I am.
The first is easier to work on. I can come home more frequently, stay in contact more regularly. Even as I write this I know that this probably won't happen. Life is too busy taken up with the job of living to let us enjoy the life we live to an extent where we see the people we care about enough to not feel guilty about not seeing them more.
The other is harder to work on. I will never be 28 again. I can't go back and change this year and complete all the goals that I have failed to achieve. Some of these failures are purely my own fault, some are not only my fault and some failed without any lack of effort or lack of interest on my part.
It all makes me wonder about fate. Is this what my life was meant to be like?
At least I am sure that what I do have is enough.
Merry Christmas all, and happy birthday to me... may Santa bring me all I wished for as I have be more nice than naughty...
Will have to work on the naughty thing....
Right now the two driving thoughts are:
1. I love Christmas because I get to spend time with my family, something that happens rarely as I live 2000 kms away, and
2. I can't believe that I am soon 29 and this is all that I am.
The first is easier to work on. I can come home more frequently, stay in contact more regularly. Even as I write this I know that this probably won't happen. Life is too busy taken up with the job of living to let us enjoy the life we live to an extent where we see the people we care about enough to not feel guilty about not seeing them more.
The other is harder to work on. I will never be 28 again. I can't go back and change this year and complete all the goals that I have failed to achieve. Some of these failures are purely my own fault, some are not only my fault and some failed without any lack of effort or lack of interest on my part.
It all makes me wonder about fate. Is this what my life was meant to be like?
At least I am sure that what I do have is enough.
Merry Christmas all, and happy birthday to me... may Santa bring me all I wished for as I have be more nice than naughty...
Will have to work on the naughty thing....
Friends
I believe that friends fall into a number of categories.
There are friends who add to my life, they bring joy and laughter. These friends are very special. I am amazed and blessed as I have found friends who add something to my life and I have found that I have added something to their life. These friends know when to let you cry and when to slap you out of self pity. They are the ones who are there to share in lifes triumph and to wipe tears.
There are friends who neither add nor drain. All they do is take up space and time.
There are friends who drain all from you. They talk only of themself and of the things that impact upon their life and their dreams. They don't notice when you have a bad day or even when you tune them out and are staring over their shoulder while they tell you a story that they have told you before. These are the friends that are kept out of a sense of obligation or pity.
I have more friends that add to my life, my joy and my dreams than I do who drain me of all that I am. It does not matter how long these special friends are in my life, all that matters is that they are. And while they are here, I will love and cherish them with all them with all that I am.
There are friends who add to my life, they bring joy and laughter. These friends are very special. I am amazed and blessed as I have found friends who add something to my life and I have found that I have added something to their life. These friends know when to let you cry and when to slap you out of self pity. They are the ones who are there to share in lifes triumph and to wipe tears.
There are friends who neither add nor drain. All they do is take up space and time.
There are friends who drain all from you. They talk only of themself and of the things that impact upon their life and their dreams. They don't notice when you have a bad day or even when you tune them out and are staring over their shoulder while they tell you a story that they have told you before. These are the friends that are kept out of a sense of obligation or pity.
I have more friends that add to my life, my joy and my dreams than I do who drain me of all that I am. It does not matter how long these special friends are in my life, all that matters is that they are. And while they are here, I will love and cherish them with all them with all that I am.
The Dear John Letter I Wrote
Dear John
This is not going to be the kind of letter that you will be expecting. In fact this letter is more for me than it is for you. You have a right to read it and the right to decide not to.
I have just realised that I have loved you for as long as I can remember. Although the love has lasted for many reasons, the primary reason that it has to stop is that you don't want me, and you don't want my love. I can deal with that. You say that you love me, and that may be true, but it was not enough. Both times our love was not enough for you to want to work on us.
The love that I have for you must become nothing more than a memory. I wait for the day that you stop haunting me. The love that I have for you is like my favourite jumper. When I wrap myself up in it, I feel so safe and warm and special. Memories flood through my mind. Like my favourite jumper, it is time that I wrap my love for you up in a ball and place it to the side. I will not ever wear it again, but when I see it, I will smile for all that it meant to me.
I don't want to let go of the love that I feel for you. It has been a part of me for so long that the thought of letting it go makes me feel hollow. However holding onto something that does not exist does not fill me up. It is just something that I cling to, a shadow that I wish would turn into something solid so I could reach out and hold on.
What I was able to give you was not enough. I understand that. What you were willing to give me was also not enough. Always a case of too little, and for you it also became a case of too late.
There are many things that I do not understand, but I also know that you will be unable or unwilling to help my understanding. I know this and am not even going to ask. I am unwilling to wait years for an explanation that may never supply me with the answers that I need.
I know that you may see things differently to me. I know this will be the truth. I did have doubts, but they were never so dark that I could not see the light. I wish that you had given me an opportunity to show you that you were wrong about us not working. You did not. You had made your decision without consulting me. I am saddened that this seems to be your way to deal with life.
I never wanted for you to go, but I cannot keep you here when you don't want to stay. Once before I loved you and let you go, believing that if you returned to me that you would be mine forever. After 2 years you did return to me. I had given up hope, but slowly I believed that you were true. I was wrong. This time I have let you go, while knowing that you have already gone and now I know that you will never return to be mine.
I do wish for you happiness.
I regret that I did not loved you as you wished to be loved.
I regret all the things that I planned and never got to share.
I regret not kissing you one more time.
I regret not holding on tighter.
I regret not giving you the support that you needed.
I regret not challenging you to be more.
I regret that I had a negative effect on your life.
I regret the dreams that started to form.
I regret not jumping in with both feet.
I regret that I have all these regrets.
And I will regret hoping for a response from you.
May you find someone to love you as you need to be loved.
May you love them in return.
May your pain never be too much bear.
May sun shine on you on the coldest of days.
May you always find a cool breeze in the summer heat.
May you find someone who makes you feel special like you have always made me feel.
May you find a path that you wish to follow to the end.
May your journey be smooth and easy.
May you be challenged and feel that you have achieved.
May you have more in common with your next love.
May you learn the joy of differences, as they are an opportunity to explore new things.
May you build a place to call your home.
May you learn the sweetness of unconditional love.
May laughter be easy on your lips.
May your dreams come true.
May life live up to your expectations.
May you never regret decisions that you make.
May you realise all that I had to offer, and therefore all you gave up.
A part of me will always love you, will always smile when I think of what you meant to me. Now you will you go from my future to my past, you will become only a memory.
You broadened my world and expanded my horizons.
You helped turn me into a woman who appears to be confidenent and proud.
You showed me that I am worth more than I think I am.
You believed in me when I did not.
You supported me when I was fragile.
You let me fight when I believed that I had no other choice.
Thankyou for all the things that you showed me, all the things that you taught me.
Thankyou for sharing your family with me. They accepted me for who I was without judging me.
Thankyou for reconfirming how lucky I am to have friends who will support me even when they doubt the decisions that I have made.
Thankyou for loving me even for a moment.
Thankyou for making me believe that I was beautiful and desirable.
Thankyou for all the little things that I will never be able to recount.
Thankyou for helping me become the woman that I am now.
Thankyou for showing me the beauty that you saw in the world. For an instant I saw me reflected in your eyes, and then I understood.
Thanks for it all...
I would not have missed one second for the entire world.
Goodbye and goodluck.
Love be with you always
Me
This is not going to be the kind of letter that you will be expecting. In fact this letter is more for me than it is for you. You have a right to read it and the right to decide not to.
I have just realised that I have loved you for as long as I can remember. Although the love has lasted for many reasons, the primary reason that it has to stop is that you don't want me, and you don't want my love. I can deal with that. You say that you love me, and that may be true, but it was not enough. Both times our love was not enough for you to want to work on us.
The love that I have for you must become nothing more than a memory. I wait for the day that you stop haunting me. The love that I have for you is like my favourite jumper. When I wrap myself up in it, I feel so safe and warm and special. Memories flood through my mind. Like my favourite jumper, it is time that I wrap my love for you up in a ball and place it to the side. I will not ever wear it again, but when I see it, I will smile for all that it meant to me.
I don't want to let go of the love that I feel for you. It has been a part of me for so long that the thought of letting it go makes me feel hollow. However holding onto something that does not exist does not fill me up. It is just something that I cling to, a shadow that I wish would turn into something solid so I could reach out and hold on.
What I was able to give you was not enough. I understand that. What you were willing to give me was also not enough. Always a case of too little, and for you it also became a case of too late.
There are many things that I do not understand, but I also know that you will be unable or unwilling to help my understanding. I know this and am not even going to ask. I am unwilling to wait years for an explanation that may never supply me with the answers that I need.
I know that you may see things differently to me. I know this will be the truth. I did have doubts, but they were never so dark that I could not see the light. I wish that you had given me an opportunity to show you that you were wrong about us not working. You did not. You had made your decision without consulting me. I am saddened that this seems to be your way to deal with life.
I never wanted for you to go, but I cannot keep you here when you don't want to stay. Once before I loved you and let you go, believing that if you returned to me that you would be mine forever. After 2 years you did return to me. I had given up hope, but slowly I believed that you were true. I was wrong. This time I have let you go, while knowing that you have already gone and now I know that you will never return to be mine.
I do wish for you happiness.
I regret that I did not loved you as you wished to be loved.
I regret all the things that I planned and never got to share.
I regret not kissing you one more time.
I regret not holding on tighter.
I regret not giving you the support that you needed.
I regret not challenging you to be more.
I regret that I had a negative effect on your life.
I regret the dreams that started to form.
I regret not jumping in with both feet.
I regret that I have all these regrets.
And I will regret hoping for a response from you.
May you find someone to love you as you need to be loved.
May you love them in return.
May your pain never be too much bear.
May sun shine on you on the coldest of days.
May you always find a cool breeze in the summer heat.
May you find someone who makes you feel special like you have always made me feel.
May you find a path that you wish to follow to the end.
May your journey be smooth and easy.
May you be challenged and feel that you have achieved.
May you have more in common with your next love.
May you learn the joy of differences, as they are an opportunity to explore new things.
May you build a place to call your home.
May you learn the sweetness of unconditional love.
May laughter be easy on your lips.
May your dreams come true.
May life live up to your expectations.
May you never regret decisions that you make.
May you realise all that I had to offer, and therefore all you gave up.
A part of me will always love you, will always smile when I think of what you meant to me. Now you will you go from my future to my past, you will become only a memory.
You broadened my world and expanded my horizons.
You helped turn me into a woman who appears to be confidenent and proud.
You showed me that I am worth more than I think I am.
You believed in me when I did not.
You supported me when I was fragile.
You let me fight when I believed that I had no other choice.
Thankyou for all the things that you showed me, all the things that you taught me.
Thankyou for sharing your family with me. They accepted me for who I was without judging me.
Thankyou for reconfirming how lucky I am to have friends who will support me even when they doubt the decisions that I have made.
Thankyou for loving me even for a moment.
Thankyou for making me believe that I was beautiful and desirable.
Thankyou for all the little things that I will never be able to recount.
Thankyou for helping me become the woman that I am now.
Thankyou for showing me the beauty that you saw in the world. For an instant I saw me reflected in your eyes, and then I understood.
Thanks for it all...
I would not have missed one second for the entire world.
Goodbye and goodluck.
Love be with you always
Me
Not All I Am
Hi
This is the start of my Blog. A friend tonight told me that I needed to have one as an outlet. As a place where I was free to be. For saying all the things that I might never say.
I am starting to be concerned that I do not show people who are close to me the whole part of me. And this is what the title is about. The title is saying that what you see is not all I am.
It's my fault, and I am going to change that tonight. Right now...
So thank you to my friend. My thoughts are now words and my words are now free, and they will be shared. You now just choose if you read.
Me
This is the start of my Blog. A friend tonight told me that I needed to have one as an outlet. As a place where I was free to be. For saying all the things that I might never say.
I am starting to be concerned that I do not show people who are close to me the whole part of me. And this is what the title is about. The title is saying that what you see is not all I am.
It's my fault, and I am going to change that tonight. Right now...
So thank you to my friend. My thoughts are now words and my words are now free, and they will be shared. You now just choose if you read.
Me
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