I am wondering if I am just a disappointment to just myself. Am I a disappointment to everyone else as well?
I never seem to live up to my potential. I never seem to meet my own expectations, or the expectations of others.
Some days it is all I can do to drag myself out of bed. Other times I am so dizzy with energy and enthusiasm that I don't know how I can breath. When I am like the I annoy even myself. I think about what I am saying and doing and just wish that I could stop, but I can't.
I sleep too much and wake up tired. Other times I can't sleep and go for days not sleeping well, not sleeping at all.
Some part of me just wishes that I could crash so that someone would have to pick me up. I always seem to be able to continue. Sometimes it is just one footstep after the other, with my feet dragging between the steps.
Right now I am just going to go to bed. I have a headache that won't go away because I'm not sleeping well. I have not had caffine since early afternoon for the last couple of days so it is not caffine that keeps me from sleeping. I just want to curl up and cry. Not over something specific, just over everything and nothing.
Life could be worse.
Why do we have a need to cleanse ourselves after a split up???
Why do we all seem to have a need to cleanse ourselves after a split up...
Some like to cleanse by replacing old with new... this might be buying a new house, a new car or just a new set of sheets...
Some like to cleanse by destroying old... this might be buy throwing out all of his/her stuff, cleaning out all of our old stuff or just spring cleaning to the point of obsession...
Some like to cleanse by changing oneself... this might be changing a hairstyle, joining a gym, moving somewhere else or changing jobs.
Some like to cleanse by rationalising decisions that have been made...
It seems that breaking up has stages that must be passed, just like grief. To some extent there is grief. I think that this depends on who broke the relationship off. It does not matter if this was a friendship, a newish relationship or a long-term relationship.
The question that I have is what happens if you plan your own cleansing ritual, but never follow through with it... Does that mean that you did not need it? Does that mean that you are decided that you did not want to be cleansed??
Who knows!!! I guess that it depends on the person involved... I've done all of each of these... Over and over again... Maybe I never learn from my own personal history...
Thanks for the inspiration... You know who you are!!!
Some like to cleanse by replacing old with new... this might be buying a new house, a new car or just a new set of sheets...
Some like to cleanse by destroying old... this might be buy throwing out all of his/her stuff, cleaning out all of our old stuff or just spring cleaning to the point of obsession...
Some like to cleanse by changing oneself... this might be changing a hairstyle, joining a gym, moving somewhere else or changing jobs.
Some like to cleanse by rationalising decisions that have been made...
It seems that breaking up has stages that must be passed, just like grief. To some extent there is grief. I think that this depends on who broke the relationship off. It does not matter if this was a friendship, a newish relationship or a long-term relationship.
The question that I have is what happens if you plan your own cleansing ritual, but never follow through with it... Does that mean that you did not need it? Does that mean that you are decided that you did not want to be cleansed??
Who knows!!! I guess that it depends on the person involved... I've done all of each of these... Over and over again... Maybe I never learn from my own personal history...
Thanks for the inspiration... You know who you are!!!
my Mondo Beyondo 2006
A friend and I both said that we should put a Mondo Beyondo's up for the whole world to see... and to remind us of some of the dreams that we have right now. I am going to start mine now but retain the right to add more to it as I go because I saw his Mondo Beyondo on his blog tonight and found my inspiration... THANKS :)
To spend more time being creative...
To be open to new people and letting them into my life...
To spend more time working on the relationships that I hold dear...
To volunteer...
To spend more time with nature...
To love me more...
To be published somewhere appart from my blog...
To learn more of my family so that I know where I have come from...
To create some definite short, medium and long term goals...
To go back to some kind of formal education to expand my horizons...
To live more by doing rather than reading about it..
To watch cricket at the MCG, football at the MCG and tennis at Rod Laver Arena...
To remember the birthdays of people who are important to me...
To travel to overseas locations and see the following (please not that this is not an exhaustive list) the temple of the sun, the pyramids, the grand canyon, kiss the blarney stone, walk on the great wall of china, a palace, big ben, the cherry blossoms bloom, the leaning tower, the himalayas, the swiss alps, westminster abby, float on a gondela, see a polar bear, relax on a tropical beach, go to niagra falls, victoria falls, and angel falls (I'm on a fall roll), go to Dollywood, Hollywood and Bollywood, go to Disneyland, Disneyworld and Eurodisney, watch cricket at lords, go shopping at harrods... I am going to stop now because it is getting a little weird...
...
Maybe I have enough for now... now I just need to do it... I guess that it is my job to put personal timelines to these...
To spend more time being creative...
To be open to new people and letting them into my life...
To spend more time working on the relationships that I hold dear...
To volunteer...
To spend more time with nature...
To love me more...
To be published somewhere appart from my blog...
To learn more of my family so that I know where I have come from...
To create some definite short, medium and long term goals...
To go back to some kind of formal education to expand my horizons...
To live more by doing rather than reading about it..
To watch cricket at the MCG, football at the MCG and tennis at Rod Laver Arena...
To remember the birthdays of people who are important to me...
To travel to overseas locations and see the following (please not that this is not an exhaustive list) the temple of the sun, the pyramids, the grand canyon, kiss the blarney stone, walk on the great wall of china, a palace, big ben, the cherry blossoms bloom, the leaning tower, the himalayas, the swiss alps, westminster abby, float on a gondela, see a polar bear, relax on a tropical beach, go to niagra falls, victoria falls, and angel falls (I'm on a fall roll), go to Dollywood, Hollywood and Bollywood, go to Disneyland, Disneyworld and Eurodisney, watch cricket at lords, go shopping at harrods... I am going to stop now because it is getting a little weird...
...
Maybe I have enough for now... now I just need to do it... I guess that it is my job to put personal timelines to these...
My favourite smells...
I love the smell of rain. I realised how much I loved it and the smell of the build up to rain when there is that scent of electricity in the air.
Some of the other things that I love the scent of in no particular order:
Sunshine, on freshly washed sheets...
Babies, all clean and fresh...
Mum's roast cooking...
The scent that each of my friends have...
Fresh baked bread...
Coffee brewed and hot...
Mangoes at the start of summer...
The smell of a new book when you crack the spin...
Lavender cashmere boquet soap - not for the smell, but because that is the scent of my Grandma...
Fresh hot chips...
Aroma of just mowed grass...
Summer...
Crisp winter days...
Guys that smell good...
Frying onion...
Good red wine...
The air in the country, slightly dusty but fresh...
The smoke from a fire...
Roses in the garden...
Tinsel at Christmas time...
Talcum powder...
Brut 33 on my Dad...
Some of the other things that I love the scent of in no particular order:
Sunshine, on freshly washed sheets...
Babies, all clean and fresh...
Mum's roast cooking...
The scent that each of my friends have...
Fresh baked bread...
Coffee brewed and hot...
Mangoes at the start of summer...
The smell of a new book when you crack the spin...
Lavender cashmere boquet soap - not for the smell, but because that is the scent of my Grandma...
Fresh hot chips...
Aroma of just mowed grass...
Summer...
Crisp winter days...
Guys that smell good...
Frying onion...
Good red wine...
The air in the country, slightly dusty but fresh...
The smoke from a fire...
Roses in the garden...
Tinsel at Christmas time...
Talcum powder...
Brut 33 on my Dad...
Almost midnight
It is almost midnight, and I am here all alone. I have spoken to my sister today, but have not spoken to anyone else. Sounds pathetic, but the plans that I had fell through. Such is life. I like my own company, but sometimes I am lonely. I can handle alone most of the time, but lonely drive me insane.
There are people in my life who would be willing to come and chase away the lonely. They are friends and it is not their job to pick me up and make me feel wanted. They often pick me up and push me around and make me feel loved, but that does not remove the need of being wanted. My friends are great, they are special, and they are there when I pick up the phone and talk to them. I love doing things with my friends, but most friends come and go. I am lucky to have a few very special friends who are a constant in my life. Our lives do not overlap by any great amount, but they do intersect. My friends never fail me, they never disappoint me.
Sometimes I think that I am only hanging onto what I have by a single strand. Something will change and I will end up in the gutter, looking for someone to hold out their hand and help me from where I have ended up. Okay, so that may be over dramatising the situation (which is soooo unlike me).
Today I was going through all the things that I miss about being in a relationship. I miss having him to hang with. I miss having him to share my successes and failures with. I miss having him to care for and having him care for me. I miss laying down beside him, our breaths falling into the same rythem and falling asleep. I miss having "our" favourite tv shows, songs, cds, movies, jokes, places to eat, places to chill and places to see. I miss laying on the couch and having him run his fingers through my hair. I miss talking endlessly about nothing. I miss the buzz that I felt seeing him. I miss the anticipation that he would be on the line when I answered the ringing phone. I miss the sweet notes that would appear around my house after he left. I miss laughing and crying with him. I miss arguing about politics and religion with him. I miss the scent of him. I miss walking up behind him, wrapping my arms around him and just holding on to him. I miss spoiling him and him spoiling me. I miss the way that he made me feel - beautiful and wanted and needed.
I want someone in my life again. I don't want him. I want to supercede the memories of him by making memories with someone. I want to love someone and have someone love me the same way. I want someone to meet my needs and for me to meet the needs that someone has. I want to take someone on the faith and have someone believe in me. I want to work towards a future with someone. No big pressure. I want to see what happens with someone.
I don't know if I am ready to have someone in my life. I don't know how I will know if I am ready. The next problem is finding a group of someones and searching for that special someone. How will I ever find someone?
I know that having a someone in my life would not be easy. I know that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am demanding and stubborn and selfish and stubborn and proud and stubborn and talk to much. Did I mention stubborn? I also beleive that there characteristics that offset the bad... I am generous and caring and fun and loyal and now I feel like I sound like a puppy dog. Maybe it is best that someone finds out about me from personal experience.
I wonder if someone is out there thinking similar things to me. I wonder if that someone will ever find me. Do you believe that there is one perfect person out there for each of us? Do you believe in love at first sight?
I am waiting for my love!!!
I am waiting for my someone!!
P.S. It is not after midnight. Goodnight.
There are people in my life who would be willing to come and chase away the lonely. They are friends and it is not their job to pick me up and make me feel wanted. They often pick me up and push me around and make me feel loved, but that does not remove the need of being wanted. My friends are great, they are special, and they are there when I pick up the phone and talk to them. I love doing things with my friends, but most friends come and go. I am lucky to have a few very special friends who are a constant in my life. Our lives do not overlap by any great amount, but they do intersect. My friends never fail me, they never disappoint me.
Sometimes I think that I am only hanging onto what I have by a single strand. Something will change and I will end up in the gutter, looking for someone to hold out their hand and help me from where I have ended up. Okay, so that may be over dramatising the situation (which is soooo unlike me).
Today I was going through all the things that I miss about being in a relationship. I miss having him to hang with. I miss having him to share my successes and failures with. I miss having him to care for and having him care for me. I miss laying down beside him, our breaths falling into the same rythem and falling asleep. I miss having "our" favourite tv shows, songs, cds, movies, jokes, places to eat, places to chill and places to see. I miss laying on the couch and having him run his fingers through my hair. I miss talking endlessly about nothing. I miss the buzz that I felt seeing him. I miss the anticipation that he would be on the line when I answered the ringing phone. I miss the sweet notes that would appear around my house after he left. I miss laughing and crying with him. I miss arguing about politics and religion with him. I miss the scent of him. I miss walking up behind him, wrapping my arms around him and just holding on to him. I miss spoiling him and him spoiling me. I miss the way that he made me feel - beautiful and wanted and needed.
I want someone in my life again. I don't want him. I want to supercede the memories of him by making memories with someone. I want to love someone and have someone love me the same way. I want someone to meet my needs and for me to meet the needs that someone has. I want to take someone on the faith and have someone believe in me. I want to work towards a future with someone. No big pressure. I want to see what happens with someone.
I don't know if I am ready to have someone in my life. I don't know how I will know if I am ready. The next problem is finding a group of someones and searching for that special someone. How will I ever find someone?
I know that having a someone in my life would not be easy. I know that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am demanding and stubborn and selfish and stubborn and proud and stubborn and talk to much. Did I mention stubborn? I also beleive that there characteristics that offset the bad... I am generous and caring and fun and loyal and now I feel like I sound like a puppy dog. Maybe it is best that someone finds out about me from personal experience.
I wonder if someone is out there thinking similar things to me. I wonder if that someone will ever find me. Do you believe that there is one perfect person out there for each of us? Do you believe in love at first sight?
I am waiting for my love!!!
I am waiting for my someone!!
P.S. It is not after midnight. Goodnight.
What kind of person am I?
The question that have been trying to answer is: "What kind of woman am I?". However when I started to type it the burning question seemed to be too small. I think that it is more important to answer what kind of person. This is a bigger question. Sometimes I think that it is harder being a woman, other times I can only assume that it is harder being a man.
So what kind of person am I?
This is really hard to answer. I can list a number of things that I am and I do and a number of things that I am not and that I cannot do. This does not answer the question, it just seems to be an attempt to inflate my ego. That is not what this post is about.
Does where I am influence what kind of person I am? I think that it does. If I was in a country where we were not so "lucky" then I would face different challenges and have different successes, and this would change the kind of person I am.
Do my family influence what kind of person I am? I think that they do. I have been blessed to be born into a family who I love and who love me. At times I don't understand them and know that they feel that they sometimes don't understand me. I know that they will always be there for me. They may question what I am doing when I am doing something they are unsure of, but I can count on their support for any little thing that I may need.
Do my friends influence what kind of person I am? I think that they do. I think that who I am also influences the friends that I have. I think that I might be different things to different people, as different people mean different things to me. I wonder what similarities my friends would provide in the above question. I also wonder at the differences that they would present.
Does what I do for a job influence what kind of person I am? I think that it does. My job and the satisifaction that I get from it is a large part of my life. I am sure that good days and bad days have an influence on the kind of person that I am on those days.
Do my dream and goals influence what kind of person I am? I would hope so. These dreams and goals are the things that I am working towards becoming, doing or seeing. Perhaps they influence more the person that I am going to become and have a lesser effect on the kind of person I am now.
Do my experiences influence what kind of person I am? I would say they do. I am what I am now because of the things that I have done. Without my history I am like a new born baby with no past and infinite futures.
This does not answer my question:
What kind of person am I?
So what kind of person am I?
This is really hard to answer. I can list a number of things that I am and I do and a number of things that I am not and that I cannot do. This does not answer the question, it just seems to be an attempt to inflate my ego. That is not what this post is about.
Does where I am influence what kind of person I am? I think that it does. If I was in a country where we were not so "lucky" then I would face different challenges and have different successes, and this would change the kind of person I am.
Do my family influence what kind of person I am? I think that they do. I have been blessed to be born into a family who I love and who love me. At times I don't understand them and know that they feel that they sometimes don't understand me. I know that they will always be there for me. They may question what I am doing when I am doing something they are unsure of, but I can count on their support for any little thing that I may need.
Do my friends influence what kind of person I am? I think that they do. I think that who I am also influences the friends that I have. I think that I might be different things to different people, as different people mean different things to me. I wonder what similarities my friends would provide in the above question. I also wonder at the differences that they would present.
Does what I do for a job influence what kind of person I am? I think that it does. My job and the satisifaction that I get from it is a large part of my life. I am sure that good days and bad days have an influence on the kind of person that I am on those days.
Do my dream and goals influence what kind of person I am? I would hope so. These dreams and goals are the things that I am working towards becoming, doing or seeing. Perhaps they influence more the person that I am going to become and have a lesser effect on the kind of person I am now.
Do my experiences influence what kind of person I am? I would say they do. I am what I am now because of the things that I have done. Without my history I am like a new born baby with no past and infinite futures.
This does not answer my question:
What kind of person am I?
Okay, so it's hot, Sunday and I've got nothing to do...
I was watching a documentary on the ABC today about Billie Joel. Now I think I have the best of, but I've never been a whole hearted fan. He played this song in two parts, and it bought tears to my eyes. His daughter asked him what happens when you die and this is in part an answer. I like his answer about living in the heart and life of others, so it's not that you have really gone, it is just like you are not around.
I know that it is morbid to talk about death, but I would like to play this song at my Dads funeral (that won't occur for a very long time). The lyrics follow...
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)
Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be
I know that it is morbid to talk about death, but I would like to play this song at my Dads funeral (that won't occur for a very long time). The lyrics follow...
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)
Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be
What has happened to manners?
Manners take such a little effort, but can have a huge effect on your life and the lives of others who intersect with your life. Since it seems to be a forgotten art, let me gently remind everyone of the basics:
1. Say "thank you". Plain and simple. Whether its for a gift or because someone has opened the door.
2. Say "please". I realise we are in a society where everything is fast,fast, fast. But chopping this word off of your sentences,people, will really not buy you that much time.
3. Say "excuse me or pardon me". Needing to pass by someone who is blocking the way, passing wind, burping, sneezing on someone's arm.....all good reasons to say this. And leaving me standing alone at a party to go talk with someone more interesting in another room will always be rude whether you say these words or not.
4. Say "sorry" (but only use "sorry" if you mean it). Plowing into someone, stepping on a foot, or cutting someone off in a queue are just a few places where this can be said.
5. Learn to observe body language. Just because you trap me in a corner at my desk, doesn't mean you can ramble on about your mother's garden for 20 excrutiating, ear-bleeding minutes. When I look at the clock, look over your shoulder like there's something important coming or turn around and face my computer....that's a signal that "your times up.....thanks for playing!" I should not hear you comment on the picture of the cute baby on my desk but should hear the pitter-patter of your shoes leaving for your next victim.
1. Say "thank you". Plain and simple. Whether its for a gift or because someone has opened the door.
2. Say "please". I realise we are in a society where everything is fast,fast, fast. But chopping this word off of your sentences,people, will really not buy you that much time.
3. Say "excuse me or pardon me". Needing to pass by someone who is blocking the way, passing wind, burping, sneezing on someone's arm.....all good reasons to say this. And leaving me standing alone at a party to go talk with someone more interesting in another room will always be rude whether you say these words or not.
4. Say "sorry" (but only use "sorry" if you mean it). Plowing into someone, stepping on a foot, or cutting someone off in a queue are just a few places where this can be said.
5. Learn to observe body language. Just because you trap me in a corner at my desk, doesn't mean you can ramble on about your mother's garden for 20 excrutiating, ear-bleeding minutes. When I look at the clock, look over your shoulder like there's something important coming or turn around and face my computer....that's a signal that "your times up.....thanks for playing!" I should not hear you comment on the picture of the cute baby on my desk but should hear the pitter-patter of your shoes leaving for your next victim.
It would be easier if he had died
I know that the sentence that I have written is wrong, but it is also true.
The he in that sentence is my ex. I do not wish him dead, it would just be easier.
My love for him has not stopped, and I have not moved on. The reason of the above sentence has nothing to do with actually wanting him dead. I know that if he was, my feelings would be the same. However there is one significant difference. I would not feel guilty for loving him, if he was dead. I would not regret carrying and savouring memories of the times that we spent together, if he was dead. I would have somewhere to go to cry, if he was dead. I would not be able to blame him for the decision to leave me, if he was dead. I would not harbour desparate hopes of us getting back together (and I know that I said no when he suggested that), if he was dead. I would be able to have stupid thoughts of how our future would have been, if he was dead. I would be be able to dream of children that will never be, if he was dead.
Okay, so there is very little logic in the thoughts that I have but my sentence stands... It would be easier if he had died. He has not, and I am working on moving on.
Remember that I don't regret a thing.
The he in that sentence is my ex. I do not wish him dead, it would just be easier.
My love for him has not stopped, and I have not moved on. The reason of the above sentence has nothing to do with actually wanting him dead. I know that if he was, my feelings would be the same. However there is one significant difference. I would not feel guilty for loving him, if he was dead. I would not regret carrying and savouring memories of the times that we spent together, if he was dead. I would have somewhere to go to cry, if he was dead. I would not be able to blame him for the decision to leave me, if he was dead. I would not harbour desparate hopes of us getting back together (and I know that I said no when he suggested that), if he was dead. I would be able to have stupid thoughts of how our future would have been, if he was dead. I would be be able to dream of children that will never be, if he was dead.
Okay, so there is very little logic in the thoughts that I have but my sentence stands... It would be easier if he had died. He has not, and I am working on moving on.
Remember that I don't regret a thing.
Striving
Why am I always striving for what I don't have right now. Sometimes this need for what I don't have is subconscious, sometimes it is deliberate. Right now I feel that I have little control over my life and I think that it is because I am not satisfied with where I am in any facet of my life..
Now that I am writing this I don't think striving is the right word. What is the right word? Longing? Desiring? Yearning?
Some of these things are small and simple while others are life changing and complex.
I am going to use the word "long" even if it doesn't feel totally right (when is the thesaurus when I need one?).
I think that the thing that worries me most is what if I get what I long for and then find that it is not the something that I thought it would be?
Is this the problem? Or is it that it is not as valued because it is now mine? So is it the chase that's most interesting? Or is it that the perceived value changes over time or with the acquisition of what I have been longing for?
Often I realise that I want something, I think about it and sometimes I dismiss the want. However if I determine that I really want it, I work towards it. However as soon as I have it and have treasured it for a moment I move onto something else.
Don't get me wrong, setting goals is a good thing, but it should not be everything. I fear that for me sometimes it is. Also note, the things that I am talking about are not purely material possessions. There are other things.
I have longed for many things and some of them I have, some of them I have given away and some of them were never mine.
Maybe it's time that I stop... for a while it least... all this longing cannot be good for my soul.
Now that I am writing this I don't think striving is the right word. What is the right word? Longing? Desiring? Yearning?
Some of these things are small and simple while others are life changing and complex.
I am going to use the word "long" even if it doesn't feel totally right (when is the thesaurus when I need one?).
I think that the thing that worries me most is what if I get what I long for and then find that it is not the something that I thought it would be?
Is this the problem? Or is it that it is not as valued because it is now mine? So is it the chase that's most interesting? Or is it that the perceived value changes over time or with the acquisition of what I have been longing for?
Often I realise that I want something, I think about it and sometimes I dismiss the want. However if I determine that I really want it, I work towards it. However as soon as I have it and have treasured it for a moment I move onto something else.
Don't get me wrong, setting goals is a good thing, but it should not be everything. I fear that for me sometimes it is. Also note, the things that I am talking about are not purely material possessions. There are other things.
I have longed for many things and some of them I have, some of them I have given away and some of them were never mine.
Maybe it's time that I stop... for a while it least... all this longing cannot be good for my soul.
My Memories Of Your Love...
Your love was with me for a number of years
Through joy and sorrow with giggles and tears
It seemed to me that you gave me something great
We were so special that I thought our future was fate
And then with words that shattered my soul
That meant that I was no longer whole
You took away your love from me
Never again will we be
With care and precision you created moments to treasure
Moments of beauty and remembered pleasure
These memories of your love are like hand blown glass
They are delicate and fragile and tinged with class
Is it wrong if I want to smash them until little remains
To break them until shattered piles of glass shards remain
These blown glass memories were once so important
For they showed to me what our love meant
Now they are broken and they are beyond repair
And I feel sad but not the dreaded despair
Through joy and sorrow with giggles and tears
It seemed to me that you gave me something great
We were so special that I thought our future was fate
And then with words that shattered my soul
That meant that I was no longer whole
You took away your love from me
Never again will we be
With care and precision you created moments to treasure
Moments of beauty and remembered pleasure
These memories of your love are like hand blown glass
They are delicate and fragile and tinged with class
Is it wrong if I want to smash them until little remains
To break them until shattered piles of glass shards remain
These blown glass memories were once so important
For they showed to me what our love meant
Now they are broken and they are beyond repair
And I feel sad but not the dreaded despair
To do lists.
I think that I have a strange obsession with "to do" lists. I currently have a book at work that notes all of the things that I have to do. I have 3 formal "to do" lists, one for tomorrow, one for the week and one for the month. I also have a number of informal "to do" lists. These are the lists that don't have a deadline, so as long as they get done or I die, then there is no problem.
I need to think about this "to do" list obsession.
I don't use a diary for more than a couple of days. I don't wear a watch because knowing the time stresses me out for the fear of running late.
I read this post and wonder if I am a simple person, and the "to do" list helps mold my world into something that is more simple then it often feels. Does this mean that my "to do" lists allow me to have control? The question then is... Why does my life feel out of control? And also, when did this all start?
I know that I have been making mental lists for as long as I can remember. As I get older, my routines become more concrete, and I sometimes feel that I am becoming more and more like my Sister and my Mother. This is not a bad thing, I just don't want to think about it. I don't think I can stop it and I don't know if I want to.
I need to think about this "to do" list obsession.
I don't use a diary for more than a couple of days. I don't wear a watch because knowing the time stresses me out for the fear of running late.
I read this post and wonder if I am a simple person, and the "to do" list helps mold my world into something that is more simple then it often feels. Does this mean that my "to do" lists allow me to have control? The question then is... Why does my life feel out of control? And also, when did this all start?
I know that I have been making mental lists for as long as I can remember. As I get older, my routines become more concrete, and I sometimes feel that I am becoming more and more like my Sister and my Mother. This is not a bad thing, I just don't want to think about it. I don't think I can stop it and I don't know if I want to.
Tonight I remembered
Tonight I remembered that I am an interesting person.
Tonight I realised that I need to get out more.
Tonight I decided that I am going to live more than I read.
Tonight I concluded that what I am now does not define me forever.
Tonight I relearnt that conversing with people I don't know is fun.
Tonight I determined that if my life was a balloon it would be deflating.
Tonight I resolved to do something.
I went out to dinner with a friend, his brother and his brother's friend. It was not a double date or anything like that, just 4 people getting together to chat about this and that and everything else.
I had a great night, the food was not memorable but I think that my thoughts from the conversations and my thoughts period could have a large influence on my world.
Driving home in the car, singing to the radio is sometimes the place where I do my best thinking, summarising and concluding. It is the place that I have the best conversations with myself. Anyone who has driven with me or been in a car with me surely would have heard me making up my own words to songs... Anyway, I've determined that I have to get out and meet more people. Expand my world by going out. The world is not going to come to me, even though I am wonderful, and I kind of wonder why it doesn't. (okay just joshing).
Time for new things, new people, new conversations. There is nothing wrong with old things, old people and old conversations. My oldest friends are the ones that ensure that I am at least true to myself. And I love them dearly.
Tonight I realised that I need to get out more.
Tonight I decided that I am going to live more than I read.
Tonight I concluded that what I am now does not define me forever.
Tonight I relearnt that conversing with people I don't know is fun.
Tonight I determined that if my life was a balloon it would be deflating.
Tonight I resolved to do something.
I went out to dinner with a friend, his brother and his brother's friend. It was not a double date or anything like that, just 4 people getting together to chat about this and that and everything else.
I had a great night, the food was not memorable but I think that my thoughts from the conversations and my thoughts period could have a large influence on my world.
Driving home in the car, singing to the radio is sometimes the place where I do my best thinking, summarising and concluding. It is the place that I have the best conversations with myself. Anyone who has driven with me or been in a car with me surely would have heard me making up my own words to songs... Anyway, I've determined that I have to get out and meet more people. Expand my world by going out. The world is not going to come to me, even though I am wonderful, and I kind of wonder why it doesn't. (okay just joshing).
Time for new things, new people, new conversations. There is nothing wrong with old things, old people and old conversations. My oldest friends are the ones that ensure that I am at least true to myself. And I love them dearly.
Love is a verb.
Love is a verb. Love is what you do, not what you feel or what you have.
Love is not a noun. It can't be quantified. If you could quantify it, you would realise that you need not. The act of sharing love increases your supply. Any attempt to hoard love, to protect yourself from getting hurt by not sharing love, or to "take" from others without giving, doesn't work. There's a hole in your bucket and no matter what, the love leaks and dissipates away as you try to save it.
Okay so now I've got the song "Hole in the bucket dear Liza dear Liza, there's a hole in the bucket dear Liza a hole" stuck in my head
It's quite simple in a way: Love. Just do it. Be real about it.
And while it is quite simple, it is also maddeningly complex: Love. Don't waste it, disrespect it, or sacrifice it for anything.
A child can master it in a moment, but adults have to work. By the time we've grown up we've built up huge ideas of who and what we are that we are loathe to let go of it. Unfortunately, this ideal of self is incompatible with love.
There is no greater prize, nor one that requires more risk.
Love is not a noun. It can't be quantified. If you could quantify it, you would realise that you need not. The act of sharing love increases your supply. Any attempt to hoard love, to protect yourself from getting hurt by not sharing love, or to "take" from others without giving, doesn't work. There's a hole in your bucket and no matter what, the love leaks and dissipates away as you try to save it.
Okay so now I've got the song "Hole in the bucket dear Liza dear Liza, there's a hole in the bucket dear Liza a hole" stuck in my head
It's quite simple in a way: Love. Just do it. Be real about it.
And while it is quite simple, it is also maddeningly complex: Love. Don't waste it, disrespect it, or sacrifice it for anything.
A child can master it in a moment, but adults have to work. By the time we've grown up we've built up huge ideas of who and what we are that we are loathe to let go of it. Unfortunately, this ideal of self is incompatible with love.
There is no greater prize, nor one that requires more risk.
Okay, so call me special
Hi. Call me special. I was playing around in the settings and changed the time to Melbourne time. I know this is sad because now I have 3 posts for today, but thought that this was exciting and interesting and now allowed you to know what time and date I really did things!!!
As a side note, I've decided that I am not going to worry or even think about my "career" for the next 3 months. I will just continue doing what I do until the 10/04/2006...
Please don't call me special.
As a side note, I've decided that I am not going to worry or even think about my "career" for the next 3 months. I will just continue doing what I do until the 10/04/2006...
Please don't call me special.
Dakar Rally
I got home a little early from work tonight, and tuned into SBS to watch the challenge of the Dakar Rally. It's insane. People do strange things, and I am sure that this is one of them.
The Paris to Dakar rally started in 1979 with 170 competitors. It's so that those who complete feel the sense of adventure, those who stay behind dream. All of the stages are off road. They race on motorbike, 4 wheeler, buggie and truck across sand and gravel and mountain. They work with all the challenges that are presented. They deal with being bogged in sand, with broken vehicles, and shattered dreams. Can you imagine racing across the desert at 200 kms per hour? It's insane.
People attempt things, do things because the challenge is there. I like watching it to see it, but I could never imagine doing it. I guess it goes to show that I am more a watcher than a doer. I make a good support team member.
The Paris to Dakar rally started in 1979 with 170 competitors. It's so that those who complete feel the sense of adventure, those who stay behind dream. All of the stages are off road. They race on motorbike, 4 wheeler, buggie and truck across sand and gravel and mountain. They work with all the challenges that are presented. They deal with being bogged in sand, with broken vehicles, and shattered dreams. Can you imagine racing across the desert at 200 kms per hour? It's insane.
People attempt things, do things because the challenge is there. I like watching it to see it, but I could never imagine doing it. I guess it goes to show that I am more a watcher than a doer. I make a good support team member.
Too late at night... Maybe
This song is suiting my mood tonight... It's by Sarah McLaughlan - From the CD "The Freedom Sessions" and is call
"Good Enough [#]".
hold on, hold onto yourself, 'cause this is going to hurt like hell..
hold on, hold onto yourself, you know that only time will tell..
what is it in me that refuses to believe, this isn't easier than the real thing..
my love, you know that you are my best friend, you know that I'll do anything for you..
my love, let nothing come between us, my love for you is strong and true..
am I in heaven here, or am I.. at the crossroads I am standing..
and now you're sleeping peaceful, I lie awake and pray..
that you'll be strong tomorrow and will see another day..
and we praise it, and love the life that brings a smile across your face..
oh God, if you're out there won't you hear me..
I know that we never talked before, but oh God, the man I love is leaving..
won't you take him when he comes to your door..
am I in heaven here, or am I in hell? at the crossroads I am standing..
my heart is sleeping peacefully..
I lie awake and pray for him..
to be strong tomorrow, will he see another day..
though you are sleeping peacefully and I lie awake..
and I pray that you be strong tomorrow and will see another day..
we will praise it, we will praise it, we will praise it, praise it..
don't you know we found peace, so..
I am waiting for my love..
hold on, hold onto yourself, you know that only time will tell..
what is it in me that refuses to believe, this isn't easier than the real thing..
my love, you know that you are my best friend, you know that I'll do anything for you..
my love, let nothing come between us, my love for you is strong and true..
am I in heaven here, or am I.. at the crossroads I am standing..
and now you're sleeping peaceful, I lie awake and pray..
that you'll be strong tomorrow and will see another day..
and we praise it, and love the life that brings a smile across your face..
oh God, if you're out there won't you hear me..
I know that we never talked before, but oh God, the man I love is leaving..
won't you take him when he comes to your door..
am I in heaven here, or am I in hell? at the crossroads I am standing..
my heart is sleeping peacefully..
I lie awake and pray for him..
to be strong tomorrow, will he see another day..
though you are sleeping peacefully and I lie awake..
and I pray that you be strong tomorrow and will see another day..
we will praise it, we will praise it, we will praise it, praise it..
don't you know we found peace, so..
I am waiting for my love..
I have no reason for it... I think that maybe I should go to bed. It's almost 1am, and I have been working for the last 3 hours. Must learn to turn off the TV so that I can do my "homework" at a decent hour. At least now I feel tired, so I should sleep. Night y'all.
Do you like my photos?
Well, I like this photo and thought that I would share it. It was a fantastic weekend weatherwise, and I was out and about playing with my digital camera.
I also took this one. Jacaranda trees are one of my favourites. At my parents house, Jacaranda flowers mean that my brothers birthday is nearly arrived. I was surprised to see Jacaranda flowers at this time of year.
What is your theme for 2006?
The year of 2006 is the year for me. I know, I know that this sounds really bad, really selfish and really conceited. It is in part. However I would like to say that they are for me, about me will not only benefit me.
I need to work on who I am.
I need to realise what I want.
I need to determine where I should be.
The year of 2005 was a year that was for nothing. I did not go anywhere. I learnt a number of things, but did not need to learn these lessions. Okay, I must have needed to learn the lessons otherwise I would not have learnt them this time.
My theme for 2006 is becoming me - all that I can be. It will be about learning. It will be about asking questions that I fear to answer and then answering those questions. It will be about offloading old bagage. It will be about finding insecurities and then securing them. It will be about appreciating the things that are good in my life, about treasuring people who make a difference and about making sure that the moments that I want to remember are worth remembering. It will be about doing things I want to do, saying things that go through my head and experiencing things that scare me. It will be about loving. It will be about doing things that make me feel good.
Notice that all of these things are very vague. It really comes down to this... This year I am going to focus on me.
I need to work on who I am.
I need to realise what I want.
I need to determine where I should be.
The year of 2005 was a year that was for nothing. I did not go anywhere. I learnt a number of things, but did not need to learn these lessions. Okay, I must have needed to learn the lessons otherwise I would not have learnt them this time.
My theme for 2006 is becoming me - all that I can be. It will be about learning. It will be about asking questions that I fear to answer and then answering those questions. It will be about offloading old bagage. It will be about finding insecurities and then securing them. It will be about appreciating the things that are good in my life, about treasuring people who make a difference and about making sure that the moments that I want to remember are worth remembering. It will be about doing things I want to do, saying things that go through my head and experiencing things that scare me. It will be about loving. It will be about doing things that make me feel good.
Notice that all of these things are very vague. It really comes down to this... This year I am going to focus on me.
Time for a new project
I think that it is time for a new project. I don't know what I want to do, but I need to do something.
If I owned this place, then I would be painting something. I would hate to sand the walls and prepare them for painting but I would love to paint them.
I would also then put a whole heap of shelves up and then fill them up with photo's of people I care about and people I miss and people I love.
I would love to have photos of my grandparents up on my wall. I would love to know more about my family, about my grandparents and their stories. Unfortunately both of my father's parents have passed away. My mother's father has also passed away, but my Nana is still alive. As per usual, I find it hard to know how to start the questions, how to know when to push and when to back away.
Maybe this should be my project. Somehow getting my Nana's stories down on paper. The only problem to overcome is the 2000 km's that separate us.
Maybe I should look for some other project to complete - something that I can do and actually finish. I will think about it this weekend.
If I owned this place, then I would be painting something. I would hate to sand the walls and prepare them for painting but I would love to paint them.
I would also then put a whole heap of shelves up and then fill them up with photo's of people I care about and people I miss and people I love.
I would love to have photos of my grandparents up on my wall. I would love to know more about my family, about my grandparents and their stories. Unfortunately both of my father's parents have passed away. My mother's father has also passed away, but my Nana is still alive. As per usual, I find it hard to know how to start the questions, how to know when to push and when to back away.
Maybe this should be my project. Somehow getting my Nana's stories down on paper. The only problem to overcome is the 2000 km's that separate us.
Maybe I should look for some other project to complete - something that I can do and actually finish. I will think about it this weekend.
I did not get the job
I don't think that I have told everyone that I applied for a job. I was interviewed for the job just before Christmas and now have been told that I am not going through to the next round.
Apparently I inteviewed really well, and my responses indicated that I could do the job. The boss man said that he knew that I could do the job. The boss man should know that I can do the job because I have done the job before. It was the next logical step in my career path. What does that mean for me? That I am not going to get to the next step if I stay on the path that I am currently on?
How can my experience not be significant enough? I've done it all. How dare the boss man go into how great I am in Project work, how great my business knowledge is, how great my operational knowledge is and then say that my experience is not enough when the position is about projects, business and operational support.
Maybe it is time for me to rethink my career path. I can hear some applause at that thought.
I know that I don't want to go back to home with the business that I am currently working for. So much has changed and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
Ah well, not a great way to start the new year... but what will be will be.
Apparently I inteviewed really well, and my responses indicated that I could do the job. The boss man said that he knew that I could do the job. The boss man should know that I can do the job because I have done the job before. It was the next logical step in my career path. What does that mean for me? That I am not going to get to the next step if I stay on the path that I am currently on?
How can my experience not be significant enough? I've done it all. How dare the boss man go into how great I am in Project work, how great my business knowledge is, how great my operational knowledge is and then say that my experience is not enough when the position is about projects, business and operational support.
Maybe it is time for me to rethink my career path. I can hear some applause at that thought.
I know that I don't want to go back to home with the business that I am currently working for. So much has changed and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
Ah well, not a great way to start the new year... but what will be will be.
I need to meet my own expectations
Why do I say to myself that I am going to do something, or not do something, and then not follow through.
Okay, the example right now is the work that I bought home. I'm sitting here and have wasted so much time flicking through different blogs.
There are other things that I want to do, but never get around to.
I am going to have to start putting more things, little things on my to do list. To do lists more often get done. Is that just because I like to cross things off?
Okay, the example right now is the work that I bought home. I'm sitting here and have wasted so much time flicking through different blogs.
There are other things that I want to do, but never get around to.
I am going to have to start putting more things, little things on my to do list. To do lists more often get done. Is that just because I like to cross things off?
Feelings
Why is it so hard to tell family how we feel. I find it difficult to express things to my friends, but it is easier than telling my family.
As a child I repressed my feelings and expressed them in poetry that no one has ever read. Not even just as a child, I do it still.
There have been rare occassions when I have taken the plunge and expressed my deepest truest feelings. Occassionally I have said the things that I needed to say with love, but often it has been with anger.
I love my family and I love my friends. I keep myself wrapped up, protected. I don't really know why. I am scared of being hurt, so by showing only part of myself I am able to keep myself whole. The problem is that I don't give everything and therefore know htat I will never get everything back.
I wish I was a person who was more able openly express myself. I am trying harder. Things are easier to say in words on paper. There are sometimes letters and emails that share what I feel. Most offen in words in cards at birthdays.
Like most of my family, my feelings are expressed in the actions, in the things that I do. Words are just letters arrange to show what I want them to show. Words can lie. Actions rarely lie. Repeated actions do not lie.
My friends and family should know that I love them by the things that I do. I am going to try to say these things more.
As a child I repressed my feelings and expressed them in poetry that no one has ever read. Not even just as a child, I do it still.
There have been rare occassions when I have taken the plunge and expressed my deepest truest feelings. Occassionally I have said the things that I needed to say with love, but often it has been with anger.
I love my family and I love my friends. I keep myself wrapped up, protected. I don't really know why. I am scared of being hurt, so by showing only part of myself I am able to keep myself whole. The problem is that I don't give everything and therefore know htat I will never get everything back.
I wish I was a person who was more able openly express myself. I am trying harder. Things are easier to say in words on paper. There are sometimes letters and emails that share what I feel. Most offen in words in cards at birthdays.
Like most of my family, my feelings are expressed in the actions, in the things that I do. Words are just letters arrange to show what I want them to show. Words can lie. Actions rarely lie. Repeated actions do not lie.
My friends and family should know that I love them by the things that I do. I am going to try to say these things more.
The New Year Is Here
The new year is here well and truly. Local time indicates that the new year is almost 12 hours old. I sit here and am alone in this silence. There is the noise of the blind slapping against the window and of my fingers on these keys. Nothing else moves and that is a mistake. When all is quiet I think to much, there is nothing to distract me.
Now there is music playing. It soothes the savage beast within.
I don’t make New Year Resolutions. I try to not set goals that I know that I will break. If something is important enough, I will not wait until the start of a year. I will decide, then I will plan what needs doing and go about and do it.
I hope that this year brings more than the last. 2005 was my year for standing still. I did not move forwards in my career or with my love life. I did move forward within myself and now know that I have the strength to say NO when that is what needs to be said.
I hope that the coming year is good for you and all those you care about. May the challenges be inspiring and the mysteries force one to explore.
Now there is music playing. It soothes the savage beast within.
I don’t make New Year Resolutions. I try to not set goals that I know that I will break. If something is important enough, I will not wait until the start of a year. I will decide, then I will plan what needs doing and go about and do it.
I hope that this year brings more than the last. 2005 was my year for standing still. I did not move forwards in my career or with my love life. I did move forward within myself and now know that I have the strength to say NO when that is what needs to be said.
I hope that the coming year is good for you and all those you care about. May the challenges be inspiring and the mysteries force one to explore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)