It is almost midnight, and I am here all alone. I have spoken to my sister today, but have not spoken to anyone else. Sounds pathetic, but the plans that I had fell through. Such is life. I like my own company, but sometimes I am lonely. I can handle alone most of the time, but lonely drive me insane.
There are people in my life who would be willing to come and chase away the lonely. They are friends and it is not their job to pick me up and make me feel wanted. They often pick me up and push me around and make me feel loved, but that does not remove the need of being wanted. My friends are great, they are special, and they are there when I pick up the phone and talk to them. I love doing things with my friends, but most friends come and go. I am lucky to have a few very special friends who are a constant in my life. Our lives do not overlap by any great amount, but they do intersect. My friends never fail me, they never disappoint me.
Sometimes I think that I am only hanging onto what I have by a single strand. Something will change and I will end up in the gutter, looking for someone to hold out their hand and help me from where I have ended up. Okay, so that may be over dramatising the situation (which is soooo unlike me).
Today I was going through all the things that I miss about being in a relationship. I miss having him to hang with. I miss having him to share my successes and failures with. I miss having him to care for and having him care for me. I miss laying down beside him, our breaths falling into the same rythem and falling asleep. I miss having "our" favourite tv shows, songs, cds, movies, jokes, places to eat, places to chill and places to see. I miss laying on the couch and having him run his fingers through my hair. I miss talking endlessly about nothing. I miss the buzz that I felt seeing him. I miss the anticipation that he would be on the line when I answered the ringing phone. I miss the sweet notes that would appear around my house after he left. I miss laughing and crying with him. I miss arguing about politics and religion with him. I miss the scent of him. I miss walking up behind him, wrapping my arms around him and just holding on to him. I miss spoiling him and him spoiling me. I miss the way that he made me feel - beautiful and wanted and needed.
I want someone in my life again. I don't want him. I want to supercede the memories of him by making memories with someone. I want to love someone and have someone love me the same way. I want someone to meet my needs and for me to meet the needs that someone has. I want to take someone on the faith and have someone believe in me. I want to work towards a future with someone. No big pressure. I want to see what happens with someone.
I don't know if I am ready to have someone in my life. I don't know how I will know if I am ready. The next problem is finding a group of someones and searching for that special someone. How will I ever find someone?
I know that having a someone in my life would not be easy. I know that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am demanding and stubborn and selfish and stubborn and proud and stubborn and talk to much. Did I mention stubborn? I also beleive that there characteristics that offset the bad... I am generous and caring and fun and loyal and now I feel like I sound like a puppy dog. Maybe it is best that someone finds out about me from personal experience.
I wonder if someone is out there thinking similar things to me. I wonder if that someone will ever find me. Do you believe that there is one perfect person out there for each of us? Do you believe in love at first sight?
I am waiting for my love!!!
I am waiting for my someone!!
P.S. It is not after midnight. Goodnight.