Tonight I was leaning against the wall near the fridge and watching my flatmate dance to music on the radio. My restless gaze fell on the side of the fridge that has been covered with magnets from place I've been and from friends who have brought them back from places where they have been.
I realise that I collect magnets as a prompt for my memory. I never used to collect magnets, because I used to go places with people, so could use them to prompt my memories of good times. Now I often go places by myself. I miss having someone to share my memories with, I miss having someone to make memories with, I miss the smiles that remembering brings to my face. My fridge magnets are a tool to remember. They prompt me to remember people who love me and bring me back from magnets. They prompt me to remember places I have been and things that have seen. People or place, it is all good.
I like my magnet collection on my fridge.
A love like that
From "Vanishing Acts" by Jodi Picoult
I have the only photo of my mother that is on display in this house. She is on the cusp of smiling, and you cannot look at it without wondering who made her happy just then, and how.
My father looks down at the ground, and shakes his head a little. "Well, I knew it was going to happen some time. Come on, then."
Eric and I follow him into his bedroom and sit down on the double bed, on the side where he doesn't sleep. From the closet, my father takes down a tin with a Pepsi-Cola logo stamped onto the front. He dumps the contents onto the covers between Eric and me - dozens of photographs of my mother, draped in peasant skirts and gauze blouses, her black hair hanging down her back like a river. A wedding portrait: my mother in a belled white dress; my father trussed in his tuxedo, looking like he might bolt at any second. Photos of me, wrapped tight as a croissant, awkwardly balanced in my mother's arms. And one of my mother and father on an ugly green couch with me between them, a bridge made of dimpled flesh, of blended blood.
It is like visiting another planet when you only have one roll of film to record it, like coming to a banquet after a hunger strike - there is so much here that I have to consciously keep myself from racing through, before it all disappears. My face gets hot, as if I've been slapped. "Why were you hiding these?"
He takes one photograph out of my hand and stares at it long enough for me to believe he has completely forgotten that Eric and I are in the room. "I tried keeping a few of the pictures out," my father explains, "but you kept asking when she was coming home. And I'd pass them, and stop, and lose ten minutes, or an hour, or a half day. I didn't hide them because I didn't want to look at them, Delia. I hid them because that was all I wanted to do." He puts the wedding picture back in the tin and scatters the rest on top. "You can have them," my father tells me. "You can have them all."
He leaves us sitting in the near dark in his bedroom. Eric touches the photgraph on the top as if it is as delicate as milk weed. "That," he says queitly. "That's what I want with you."
Bring on Summer
I am waiting for summer to come my way.
I like spring, the time for new things and flowers and babies for many creatures. I like feeling the days lengthen and the sun warm. I like the cold nights and clear mornings. I like the rainy grey days that allow everything to grow. Most of all I like the promise of the summer that is to come.
I love summer and all it means. I love summer for hot afternoons, for sunsets that melt late into the night. I love summer for the summer night time markets, expeditions to the beach, hiding from the sun under the shade of an ancient tree. I love summer for the chinking of ice cubes and the sticky melting icecream. I love summer for the memory of summer holidays, the promise of Christmas and the realisation of dreams.
I long to feel the heat of the sun, a heat that can be seen in photos taken. I long for the type of days where you can see when a photo has been taken from under the shade of a tree, because on the day that I am longing for, the shot from the shadows feels cooler.
I wait for the bright blue sky where no clouds can be seen. I wait for the bright sunshine to dry the dew before I have risen. I wait for days where all you can think about is being cool, and the coolness that night brings.
I like autumn for the releif that it provides from a summer that lasts long and strong. I like watching the leaves change their colour and fall to the ground. I like the anticipation of cold nights, of hearty soup and of log fires.
I like spring, the time for new things and flowers and babies for many creatures. I like feeling the days lengthen and the sun warm. I like the cold nights and clear mornings. I like the rainy grey days that allow everything to grow. Most of all I like the promise of the summer that is to come.
I love summer and all it means. I love summer for hot afternoons, for sunsets that melt late into the night. I love summer for the summer night time markets, expeditions to the beach, hiding from the sun under the shade of an ancient tree. I love summer for the chinking of ice cubes and the sticky melting icecream. I love summer for the memory of summer holidays, the promise of Christmas and the realisation of dreams.
I long to feel the heat of the sun, a heat that can be seen in photos taken. I long for the type of days where you can see when a photo has been taken from under the shade of a tree, because on the day that I am longing for, the shot from the shadows feels cooler.
I wait for the bright blue sky where no clouds can be seen. I wait for the bright sunshine to dry the dew before I have risen. I wait for days where all you can think about is being cool, and the coolness that night brings.
I like autumn for the releif that it provides from a summer that lasts long and strong. I like watching the leaves change their colour and fall to the ground. I like the anticipation of cold nights, of hearty soup and of log fires.
Some people have so much talent, that they make you cry.
There are some seriously talented people in this world.
There are singers who never seem to hit a wrong note, who can convey the story of the song and who for a moment touch your soul.
There are artists who paint images that make you want to leap into the picture and become part of the story.
There are photographers who snap a moment in the world where the pain in the subjects eye or the smile on the subjects lip who make you cry or laugh.
There are musicans who can play their own choosen intrustment and tug at your heart strings with the melody and tradegy in their hearts.
There are actors who make you laugh, make you cry or shock you to the point where you cannot move.
There are writers who have the ability to me their words ring true with experiences that you have had.
Talent can be used, abused or wasted. It is a delecate balance. I just like to appreciate the talent around me.
There are singers who never seem to hit a wrong note, who can convey the story of the song and who for a moment touch your soul.
There are artists who paint images that make you want to leap into the picture and become part of the story.
There are photographers who snap a moment in the world where the pain in the subjects eye or the smile on the subjects lip who make you cry or laugh.
There are musicans who can play their own choosen intrustment and tug at your heart strings with the melody and tradegy in their hearts.
There are actors who make you laugh, make you cry or shock you to the point where you cannot move.
There are writers who have the ability to me their words ring true with experiences that you have had.
Talent can be used, abused or wasted. It is a delecate balance. I just like to appreciate the talent around me.
Christmas and Birthdays and all other things that don't live up to expectations.
It's August and only 4 months until Christmas. What am I to do? No one want's to tell me when I can go or when I should arrive.
Christmas never lives up to my expectations. And neither will my birthday this year. This year it's a big one. If you don't know yet, I'm a twin. My twin wants to take the children in her life to a play centre for her birthday. WHAT THE?
Where is the dinner, where is the drinking, where is the karaoke? Only joking about the karaoke, but where are the adult friends and the adult drinking???
The problem is that my birthday is on Christmas. No one wants to go out at Christmas. Everyone is stressed by the need to purchase gifts and to spend time with people that they ususally would not spend time with.
Oh it's so hard to be me.
Christmas never lives up to my expectations. And neither will my birthday this year. This year it's a big one. If you don't know yet, I'm a twin. My twin wants to take the children in her life to a play centre for her birthday. WHAT THE?
Where is the dinner, where is the drinking, where is the karaoke? Only joking about the karaoke, but where are the adult friends and the adult drinking???
The problem is that my birthday is on Christmas. No one wants to go out at Christmas. Everyone is stressed by the need to purchase gifts and to spend time with people that they ususally would not spend time with.
Oh it's so hard to be me.
Life
Life moves on, it stands still for no-one.
I find it interesting that my bunch of friends are all moving forward with different plans and different dreams.
Some friends are engaged and planning like crazy for their wedding day a few months away. Some other friends are engaged and liking the status quo, so no plans on a wedding date are forthcoming. Some friends are already married and trying hard to fall pregnant and pass the precious things that each of them have onto another person that is a shared being. Others already have their children and are amazed at the things that they learn and the questions that they are asked. A friend has got a work visa and is going to London for at least 2 years of working, growing and adventure. Another friend is awaiting a visit from a significant other. The plans are for a lucious and special holiday. This same friend is waiting to hear what is happening with his application to leave this country on a perminant basis.
I find it that each of my friends have a very special plan that is coming to fruition. I am amazed at the depth of dreams that are held by the people that I hold dear.
I am working on discovering what I want. I heard this song and it made me envious of the others. Not that I would wish their lives on my and my life on them. I just want something that I don't have. And it is something that I cannot simply go out and get...
Marry Me - Amanda Marshall
I wanna laugh until I cry
Wake up with you each day 'till the day that I die
Let's go to New Orleans and watch the parade
Take funny pictures, eat jambalaya, and drink lemonade
And when the day is finally over
And we stumble home
Before we sleep
Baby, marry me
I wanna drive until we get lost
Lie in a field staring up at the sky while you point out the Southern Cross
Somehow I know without asking why that you love me more in a minute
Than anyone could in a lifetime dancing in the parking lot
While the band plays inside sweep me off my feet
Baby, marry me
We don't need no preacher man
Readin' from the Good Book and I don't want no fancy dress
Ain't no ceremony for the vows that I took from the moment I met you
I have been blessed so let's make a toast and drink up the wine
Here's to you lying here next to me until the end of time
Wherever you are I wanna be
And anything that means anything to you means everything to me
Sneakin' out the back door while they're throwing the rice
And they'll talk for weeks but we're all we need
So baby, if you're free marry me
Baby, marry me, marry me
I find it interesting that my bunch of friends are all moving forward with different plans and different dreams.
Some friends are engaged and planning like crazy for their wedding day a few months away. Some other friends are engaged and liking the status quo, so no plans on a wedding date are forthcoming. Some friends are already married and trying hard to fall pregnant and pass the precious things that each of them have onto another person that is a shared being. Others already have their children and are amazed at the things that they learn and the questions that they are asked. A friend has got a work visa and is going to London for at least 2 years of working, growing and adventure. Another friend is awaiting a visit from a significant other. The plans are for a lucious and special holiday. This same friend is waiting to hear what is happening with his application to leave this country on a perminant basis.
I find it that each of my friends have a very special plan that is coming to fruition. I am amazed at the depth of dreams that are held by the people that I hold dear.
I am working on discovering what I want. I heard this song and it made me envious of the others. Not that I would wish their lives on my and my life on them. I just want something that I don't have. And it is something that I cannot simply go out and get...
Marry Me - Amanda Marshall
I wanna laugh until I cry
Wake up with you each day 'till the day that I die
Let's go to New Orleans and watch the parade
Take funny pictures, eat jambalaya, and drink lemonade
And when the day is finally over
And we stumble home
Before we sleep
Baby, marry me
I wanna drive until we get lost
Lie in a field staring up at the sky while you point out the Southern Cross
Somehow I know without asking why that you love me more in a minute
Than anyone could in a lifetime dancing in the parking lot
While the band plays inside sweep me off my feet
Baby, marry me
We don't need no preacher man
Readin' from the Good Book and I don't want no fancy dress
Ain't no ceremony for the vows that I took from the moment I met you
I have been blessed so let's make a toast and drink up the wine
Here's to you lying here next to me until the end of time
Wherever you are I wanna be
And anything that means anything to you means everything to me
Sneakin' out the back door while they're throwing the rice
And they'll talk for weeks but we're all we need
So baby, if you're free marry me
Baby, marry me, marry me
I am going to do something
I am going to do something and I am not going to tell you what it is. This is a dream that I have had for a long time. This is a goal that I have had and never acted upon with an open heart and a belief that it would happen. I am going to embrace a new concept in believing that this will become true.
This is not about changing my life to be something for someone else. This is about changing me so that I can have a different life, a different dreams. There are many reasons why I should and no reason why I should not.
I am not going to let the fear of failure beat me before I have begun. This time, if I do not do it, I will have given it my best shot.
Good luck to me...
This is not about changing my life to be something for someone else. This is about changing me so that I can have a different life, a different dreams. There are many reasons why I should and no reason why I should not.
I am not going to let the fear of failure beat me before I have begun. This time, if I do not do it, I will have given it my best shot.
Good luck to me...
If today was your last day on the planet what would you do?
If today was my last day, I would be with the one that I love the most. I would want nothing more than to curl up in his arms and listen to his heart beat. I would ask him to tell me that he loves me, even if it is not true. I would sleep and dream that he loves me, cherishes me and needs me still. I would leave his company with a couple of hours to spare, and I would share a meal and some laughter with my family and friends for I love them and know that they love me.
Dreams
Dreams are the one thing that equalises all. Dreams are held tightly by men and women. Dreams are valued by rich and poor. Dreams are created by healthy or ill. Dreams are embraced by young and old. Race, age, education level, marrital status, country of birth, skin colour, language spoken nor location make a difference.
It is amazing that there are so many things that are common between those who dream. Dreams make every persons life richer. Working towards a dream is challenge that we each accept. Achieving a dream can make tears fall. Failing to achieve a dream can make one cry.
Dreams are dreamt and attempts are made. Any attempt made is noble and is full of risk. Those who dream and risk have the chance to have it all. Those who dream and don't risk never have the chance of achieving their dreams.
Those who dream and risk it all are my heroes. I am envious of your courage, I am jealous of your confidence, I am surprised by your dreams and I regret that I am not like you.
Maybe one day I will be able to take the leap of faith and work towards my dreams. Maybe one day I too will attempt to achieve my dreams. Until them, because I don't dare I will fail. One day soon my dreams and my heart will overrule my head. One day I will dream and freely strive for my dream.
Dreams... mine to have and ignore... mine to have and achieve.... my choice
It is amazing that there are so many things that are common between those who dream. Dreams make every persons life richer. Working towards a dream is challenge that we each accept. Achieving a dream can make tears fall. Failing to achieve a dream can make one cry.
Dreams are dreamt and attempts are made. Any attempt made is noble and is full of risk. Those who dream and risk have the chance to have it all. Those who dream and don't risk never have the chance of achieving their dreams.
Those who dream and risk it all are my heroes. I am envious of your courage, I am jealous of your confidence, I am surprised by your dreams and I regret that I am not like you.
Maybe one day I will be able to take the leap of faith and work towards my dreams. Maybe one day I too will attempt to achieve my dreams. Until them, because I don't dare I will fail. One day soon my dreams and my heart will overrule my head. One day I will dream and freely strive for my dream.
Dreams... mine to have and ignore... mine to have and achieve.... my choice
I now know why I want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
I am glad to be home, at home.
I'm home. I have unpacked my bag and done all the washing. I have been to the supermarket and done a restock. I have slept in my own bed and driven my own car. I have walked around the yard without shoes on. I have had to wash my own dishes, make my own bed and replace the roll on the toilet paper. I have talked on the phone and now I have typed on my computer. I have listened to music that I found that I cannot live without. I have dream and laughed and spent time with friends. I have been to work and eaten breakfast at my desk. I have taken the garbage out and pulled weeds from the garden.
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