Not All I Am: May 2007

Sometimes to get something new, you must give up something old. Although I have known this forever, I never really admitted the truth of this. I've been holding on to the love that I have felt for you. I thought that you are the person that I was meant to be with. I thought that you were my soul mate. I have said that we would never be together again. I have said that to myself a million times and to others when they had asked. I have said this even when I did not believe that it was true.

I am now ready to give it all up. I once told you that I believed that we would be together one day when the weather was fine. I am no longer strong enough to hold on to this belief. I am tired of waiting, tired of longing and I can't do it any longer.

I always prided myself on honesty, but I have been dishonest with you and with myself. I told myself that I just wanted to be friends with you. That I just wanted to see that you were doing well. The truth was I still loved you. I always had and feared that I always would. I wanted to ask you if there was any chance for us to be together. I wanted to ask and for you to tell me yes or no. But I never asked. If you had said yes, I would have been scared and lost. If you had said no, I would have be sad and lost.

I have spent a significant amount of my life deluding myself. I don't know why we broke up. I had a large amount of impact into this, but I didn't understand my part. I didn't understand what I needed to do to improve me. I didn't know what I could have done to stop it. I thought that if I did what you wanted, I would be what you wanted. I was not...

I wanted to ask you if you ever thought about how life could have been if we had made different decisions. I had thought about us being together. I wondered if we were together still would you be down here, studying to become a teacher at Monash, living with me, loving with me, learning with me. Together. Maybe I would have moved back to Queensland. Maybe maybe maybe.

I still thought about us. I thought about the things that we did. I thought about the places we had been, the meals that we had shared and the memories we'd created. I missed you. I missed the scent of you, the feel of you and the taste of you. I missed sharing my life with you, my triumphs and tragedies. I missed curling up into you and waking up with you. I missed the way that you made me feel when we were together. I missed the excitement that you brought to my life. I missed your voice and the lectures that you'd always give. I missed kissing you, loving you and holding you. I felt that I couldn't give up on us because I didn't know if I'd given 100% of me to us. I didn't know if you'd given 100% either. I questioned if I held back because you held back. Maybe we were both concerned with being hurt and focused on protecting ourselves. Maybe this ensured that we were hurt because we could do nothing but fail.

I longed for your touch, for your taste, for you. I missed dressing for you, I missed impressing you, I missed surprising you. I have been jealous of things and of people and wished myself with you. I cannot afford to be jealous of a life and of a love that I don't have. I can't look at pictures and long myself there. Through various decisions we have both chosen to not be with each other. These decisions may have been based on pride, on protection, on fear. It doesn't matter what made them, all that matters is that they existed.

I no longer will allow myself to think about it.

I was worthy of your love. I was not deserving of the things that happened. I did not deserve to have my heart broken by you twice. I should not have let you do it. I am the person that I am today because of it. To date, I have not learnt from my mistakes. This changes now.

I was worthy of your love and I am worthy of love in my future. I deserve to have someone to spend my life with. I deserve happiness. I am not going out looking for it, but I will no longer hold myself back from it. To find something new, I must give up something old. I will never stop loving you, but I can no longer afford to hold your love in my hands. With my hands full, I cannot reach out to find new love. I can still love you but can no longer be in love with you.

I will forever be thankful for your love. I will forever remember the times we had, and the things that we did. You did not want to be my love and I will no longer hold on to a love that is not wanted. Now it is time to break my promise to love you forever. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to be lonely and if I can't be with you then I must be with someone else. Many years have passed since I thought of myself as free. For years I have always wanted you, even when I would not admit it. I cannot keep dreaming of something that will not come true. I cannot and it hurts to give up on something that has been my everything. I need to exist outside of all of this. I need to find someone who wants to be with me, I need to find someone who wants to build a future. One day I want to be married and to have children. I want to find my someone to grow old with, someone who will share my triumphs and my tragedies.

I hope that we will still be friends but I cannot continue to believe in the dream that you will love me as I need to be loved. I have lost too much already.

Not All I Am

To tell or not to tell

Demand nothing and give all.