* To drink a bottle of champagne with him, and to follow it with a number of Espresso Martini's
* To hear his darkest fantasy
* To send him an embrassingly large bunch of flowers or balloons to work
* To help him out of his coat
* To buy him expensive cologne
* To thrill him by taking him out to dinner dressed the way he likes me to
* To softly kiss his lips
* To watch him shave in the morning
* To listen to him talk about something he read or saw
* To laugh at his jokes
* To listen to the sound of his voice, soft and low
* To feel is response to my passionate kisses
* To talk with him for hours about nothing and everything, about life, about people
* To tease him about the mess he makes when he cooks
* To walk on a beach with my hand encased in his
* To feel like the most beautiful woman in the world when he looks at me
* To meet his eyes across the room and know what he is thinking about
* To position my body under his in the pool to help him lay there and float
* To slow dance with him
* To torment him with the things that no one else notices that are completed just for him
* To share tea and toast late in the evening
* To let him decide what we are going to do
* To spend a weekend together, where the outside world ceases to exist
* To share his body heat
I just wish that it never ended
I can still smell his skin
I can still feel his arm around my hip
I remember it felt reassuring and protective
I remember feeling him watch me as I crossed the room
I was amazed by his eyes that seemed so deep
That I could jump in and seek refuge
He spoke a melody of wonderful things to me
I remember what I heard
And I remember feeling exhilarated
I could cry ad I knew that he would listen
I could disappoint him and I knew with all certainty
That he would always forgive me
I could amaze and bewilder him
And yet I knew that he would never be bored with me
I could see parts of him that he didn't know anyone could see
I helped him see the beauty within him
He did the same for me
I aways saw his talents
His passion
His love of life
And I always felt his intense love for me
He was my best friend
No woman could have ever asked for more
I just wish that it never ended
I can still feel his arm around my hip
I remember it felt reassuring and protective
I remember feeling him watch me as I crossed the room
I was amazed by his eyes that seemed so deep
That I could jump in and seek refuge
He spoke a melody of wonderful things to me
I remember what I heard
And I remember feeling exhilarated
I could cry ad I knew that he would listen
I could disappoint him and I knew with all certainty
That he would always forgive me
I could amaze and bewilder him
And yet I knew that he would never be bored with me
I could see parts of him that he didn't know anyone could see
I helped him see the beauty within him
He did the same for me
I aways saw his talents
His passion
His love of life
And I always felt his intense love for me
He was my best friend
No woman could have ever asked for more
I just wish that it never ended
I miss my Pa
I went for a walk today. The sun was shining and the breeze was cool. I was wearing a jumper but enjoying the cool air against my skin where the zipper was down. I was almost home after strolling around for an hour or so. No one was out an about, the roads were deserterd and the footpaths were free.
I was noticing that the first real signs of autumn are here. Some of the plants are having their last hoorah with bright blooms dancing on the breeze. Others are fruiting and dropping spent fruit on the ground. Perhaps they hope that rain will come and the spent fruit will form young sapplings when the Spring arrives. Here we are, not even in Winter and I am hoping for Spring. Leaves are starting to turn to pale shades of green, some are further along with yellow licking the edges of the leaves.
I really love this time of year. Blankets on the bed, jumpers on at night, a chill in the early morning and a pleasant day. I love watching as the trees settle in for the winter. The colour of their leaves change, and they shed them slowly. The mounds of drying leaves lay on the grass, on the footpath and on the road. They pile up against walls and fill gutters.
Anyway, as I turned the corner for home I walked past this older gentleman. He smiled at me but did not make eye contact. As he passed me, his scent hit me. I was knocked for six. This man smelt like my grandfather. I don't know what it was, but I turned and watched him walk away. He had his hair cut as my grandfather did, short back and sides with a little length on top to allow for a graceful part on the side. He may have used the cream that my grandfather used to slick it down. He was wearing a knitted cardigan. He had dress pants on, iron with a crease down the legs. This is how my grandfather always dressed. I watched him walking away with a tear in my eye. A car drove past and I realised that I was staring. I turned and walked towards home.
I closed my eyes and was transported to my childhood. I could smell my grandfather in my mind. To me, my grandfather is a combination of 4 smells:
He is the smell of the earth when the rain has just fallen - rich, dusty and earthy.
He is the smell of the stranger who passed me on the street - clean and fresh.
He is the smell of peppermint on his breath as he would lean forward to kiss me hello or goodbye - sweet and minty
And he is the scent of old style cigarettes, the kind that you roll yourself - lingering and slightly bitter.
All of these would envelop you as you hugged him tight. This always made me feel safe and secure.
I miss my Pa. Today just reminded me how much this is true.
I was noticing that the first real signs of autumn are here. Some of the plants are having their last hoorah with bright blooms dancing on the breeze. Others are fruiting and dropping spent fruit on the ground. Perhaps they hope that rain will come and the spent fruit will form young sapplings when the Spring arrives. Here we are, not even in Winter and I am hoping for Spring. Leaves are starting to turn to pale shades of green, some are further along with yellow licking the edges of the leaves.
I really love this time of year. Blankets on the bed, jumpers on at night, a chill in the early morning and a pleasant day. I love watching as the trees settle in for the winter. The colour of their leaves change, and they shed them slowly. The mounds of drying leaves lay on the grass, on the footpath and on the road. They pile up against walls and fill gutters.
Anyway, as I turned the corner for home I walked past this older gentleman. He smiled at me but did not make eye contact. As he passed me, his scent hit me. I was knocked for six. This man smelt like my grandfather. I don't know what it was, but I turned and watched him walk away. He had his hair cut as my grandfather did, short back and sides with a little length on top to allow for a graceful part on the side. He may have used the cream that my grandfather used to slick it down. He was wearing a knitted cardigan. He had dress pants on, iron with a crease down the legs. This is how my grandfather always dressed. I watched him walking away with a tear in my eye. A car drove past and I realised that I was staring. I turned and walked towards home.
I closed my eyes and was transported to my childhood. I could smell my grandfather in my mind. To me, my grandfather is a combination of 4 smells:
He is the smell of the earth when the rain has just fallen - rich, dusty and earthy.
He is the smell of the stranger who passed me on the street - clean and fresh.
He is the smell of peppermint on his breath as he would lean forward to kiss me hello or goodbye - sweet and minty
And he is the scent of old style cigarettes, the kind that you roll yourself - lingering and slightly bitter.
All of these would envelop you as you hugged him tight. This always made me feel safe and secure.
I miss my Pa. Today just reminded me how much this is true.
Trapped
Sometimes I feel trapped in this life. Trapped and cheated of what I want from it. Where are the things that I long for? Where is the relationships, the intimacy, the love and passion?
I am too private. I keep to many secrets from the worl. I am a victim of the image that I have created. I am often saving other people, listing to their problems, supporting their causes, handing out advice. I am unable to admit, sometimes even to myself, the misery I sometimes feel.
My life feels like a merry-go-round without the music, without the lights and laughter, without the horses and the carriages. Sometimes it goes round and round in frustrated silence. I am too scared to make a change in case everything grinds to a stop. I am scared that it will just go round and round and round without every going anywhere.
I try to do the right thing. I try not to hurt anyone. I try to conform to what I think others need and want me to be. Is this going to destroy me? Is this going to destroy those I love?
One thing I know is that faking life will eventually kill you. A death that is slow and painful to all involved.
I am too private. I keep to many secrets from the worl. I am a victim of the image that I have created. I am often saving other people, listing to their problems, supporting their causes, handing out advice. I am unable to admit, sometimes even to myself, the misery I sometimes feel.
My life feels like a merry-go-round without the music, without the lights and laughter, without the horses and the carriages. Sometimes it goes round and round in frustrated silence. I am too scared to make a change in case everything grinds to a stop. I am scared that it will just go round and round and round without every going anywhere.
I try to do the right thing. I try not to hurt anyone. I try to conform to what I think others need and want me to be. Is this going to destroy me? Is this going to destroy those I love?
One thing I know is that faking life will eventually kill you. A death that is slow and painful to all involved.
Chapter 66 "The Naked Husband" by Mark D'Arbanville
There is a woman standing on the shore, looking out to sea. She is waiting for her lover to retutn and he never comes.
Why did he leave, why did she not go with him?
Was he a fisherman, was he lost?
Or is she waiting for him to come back?
Too late to long for a lover after you have sent him away.
They cross the seas and they drown or they disappear.
Why did he leave, why did she not go with him?
Was he a fisherman, was he lost?
Or is she waiting for him to come back?
Too late to long for a lover after you have sent him away.
They cross the seas and they drown or they disappear.
The Calm
Often my mind will not be quiet. I am unable to silence it when it screams at me. Screams for doing things, for not doing things.
Right now I am calm. I am quiet and empty.
During the long nights when I can't sleep, when I toss and turn, if there is anything I seek then it is this. The calm.
If I believed in God, I would pray for this. If there is a God or something higher, for me it is this. The calm.
At night, when I long to be held there is no one. When I have to find something that will hold me when I need to hold on, it is the calm.
When I am calm. There is no anger. There is no rage. There is no want. There is no need. There is no desire. There is no hatred. No shame. No regret. No grief, nor sadness nor depression.
Most of all there is no fear. There is absolutely no fear.
When a person lives without fear, then they cannot be broken.
When a person lives with fear, then they are broken before they begins to live.
The calm is that which I am seeking. I have right now but will lose again.
Right now I am calm. I am quiet and empty.
During the long nights when I can't sleep, when I toss and turn, if there is anything I seek then it is this. The calm.
If I believed in God, I would pray for this. If there is a God or something higher, for me it is this. The calm.
At night, when I long to be held there is no one. When I have to find something that will hold me when I need to hold on, it is the calm.
When I am calm. There is no anger. There is no rage. There is no want. There is no need. There is no desire. There is no hatred. No shame. No regret. No grief, nor sadness nor depression.
Most of all there is no fear. There is absolutely no fear.
When a person lives without fear, then they cannot be broken.
When a person lives with fear, then they are broken before they begins to live.
The calm is that which I am seeking. I have right now but will lose again.
Time for a change
I've set some goals and I am going to succeed. This is my chance to change my life. This is big for me but not big for anyone else. It's all about me.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed. I will succeed.
Cath's Wedding
Today I went to Cath's wedding today and shed a tear. The bride looked stunning, she glowed. The groom looked calm and handsome. They looked at eachother with such love and longing that I was saddened and envious. Not envious of Cath, because she deserves to be happy and in love. Envious because noone is looking at me with heartbreaking desire and tenderness.
Someday it will be mine... It will be mine... It wil lbe mine...
Someday it will be me... It will be me... It will be me...
Someday someone will want to take me "for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do we part"...
And then again, it may not.
If it is to be, it will be....
Someday it will be mine... It will be mine... It wil lbe mine...
Someday it will be me... It will be me... It will be me...
Someday someone will want to take me "for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do we part"...
And then again, it may not.
If it is to be, it will be....
Good Girl
The good girl is a good girl because she behaves as everyone around her expects her to behave.
She is, without a doubt, a good daugher. If she has siblings, she is a thoughtful sister. When she has a partner, she is a great girlfriend. When she marries, she is a good wife. After she gives birth (and really before that), she is a fantastic mum.
The problem with good girls, is that when the house of cards comes down the good girl has nothing. When her parents pass away, she is lost. It hits her hard. When her husband has an affair, she is shattered. When her children grow up, she feels alone.
I'm not saying that the same situations don't hurt bad girls, it is just that the good girl has spent her life being everything to everyone else and nothing to themself.
I am not always good girl. I am glad of this.
I sometimes fight too much for the things that I want, sometimes I am a good girl and do what others want. I need to learn when it is important to fight.
She is, without a doubt, a good daugher. If she has siblings, she is a thoughtful sister. When she has a partner, she is a great girlfriend. When she marries, she is a good wife. After she gives birth (and really before that), she is a fantastic mum.
The problem with good girls, is that when the house of cards comes down the good girl has nothing. When her parents pass away, she is lost. It hits her hard. When her husband has an affair, she is shattered. When her children grow up, she feels alone.
I'm not saying that the same situations don't hurt bad girls, it is just that the good girl has spent her life being everything to everyone else and nothing to themself.
I am not always good girl. I am glad of this.
I sometimes fight too much for the things that I want, sometimes I am a good girl and do what others want. I need to learn when it is important to fight.
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