Ah the joys of being a modern woman... Tonight when I was taking the garbage bin out to the curb, it appeared darker than usual. I looked into the sky, and the stars were so clear. I felt that I could have been in the country.
I wasn't in the country, the clatter of the 9 pm train showed me that... If the air was not quite as cool as it is tonight or if I was not so lazy as to put on more clothes than tshirt and shorts, I would have grabbed a blanket and spread out on the grass watching the stars make their slow progression across the sky.
Ah, to live in the country or to live in a warmer climate or to notice the sky on a warmer night.
Reminds me of the times that it was so hot when I was growing up that all 5 of us (my brother, sister, mum, dad and myself) would either lay on the cool grass or sit on the steps and let a cooling breeze wash over us as the stars trekked through the sky. Dad pointing out all the different star clusters.
It's all about love!!!
Why is it that those who are capable of great love fall for ones that they should not? Why is it that those who love truely and deeply are the ones who hold on for too long? Why do they hold on so tightly that the love that they have crumbles and slips through their fingers, lost to them for all time? Why do they continue to love?
Why do people assume love? Why do they turn one type of love into another, that just does not exist? Why are people not satisifed with the love that is shown towards them? Why do people not understand that if love is not give freely, then it is worthless?
Some have said that when we are loved, and when we love, that we see the world so differently. They say that not only do we see our world so differently, but we see each player differently. Some agree that we love ourselves better when we love someone else and are loved by them. Some say that we treat those around us better when we are in love.
Why is it then that we do not give all for this love? Why do we not support lovers? Why do we condemn love? And why are some willing to put careeer, lifestyle, looks, culture, beliefs, societies expectations and others demand before this love?
If love makes the world such a better place, from our view and from the view of all those around us, why do we not grasp at love? Why do we back away, hiding from the chance of love? Why do we not take the chance and love freely? The attempt may be rejected, but what has been lost? Nothing, and there is so much to gain.
Before we can even get to love, there are so many steps that we seem to take. Why can't we eleminate some of them? Perhaps we are working towards this. Until we no longer judge people based upon the colour of their skin, the clothes that they dress in, the communities that they claim membership to, the way they look, the way they think, the things that they say, their sexuality, their lifestyles, their history and their future, we will not love freely. This means that are actions will not be painted with the love. Until all barriers are gone, do we love?
Are we cocooned in such fear of returned love, that we block any love that we may feel until we believe we are safe. Or do we cocoon ourselves in the fear of rejection? If the former is so, then we are never going to be safe, we are never going to be free, we will not love. If it is the later, then we have rejected and if you look at it a different way, each time someone does not approach you with love, then they are rejecting you for fear of their own rejections.
People reject for many reasons, some of these are valid. What valid reason can there to reject me if you do not know me, if you don't know my smile and what makes me smile, if you don't see the joy in my eyes from living my life simply because you don't come close enough. You then are rejecting me for no valid reason. I am rejected based upon my looks, upon my appearance and for reasons that are assumed. I am rejected because someone cannot be bothered to take the time to talk to me, to learn of me. Unfortunately they lose, I lose and the world losses.
What is the world coming to?
What is love?
Regardless of all of this, I believe in love and I think that you do too.
Why do people assume love? Why do they turn one type of love into another, that just does not exist? Why are people not satisifed with the love that is shown towards them? Why do people not understand that if love is not give freely, then it is worthless?
Some have said that when we are loved, and when we love, that we see the world so differently. They say that not only do we see our world so differently, but we see each player differently. Some agree that we love ourselves better when we love someone else and are loved by them. Some say that we treat those around us better when we are in love.
Why is it then that we do not give all for this love? Why do we not support lovers? Why do we condemn love? And why are some willing to put careeer, lifestyle, looks, culture, beliefs, societies expectations and others demand before this love?
If love makes the world such a better place, from our view and from the view of all those around us, why do we not grasp at love? Why do we back away, hiding from the chance of love? Why do we not take the chance and love freely? The attempt may be rejected, but what has been lost? Nothing, and there is so much to gain.
Before we can even get to love, there are so many steps that we seem to take. Why can't we eleminate some of them? Perhaps we are working towards this. Until we no longer judge people based upon the colour of their skin, the clothes that they dress in, the communities that they claim membership to, the way they look, the way they think, the things that they say, their sexuality, their lifestyles, their history and their future, we will not love freely. This means that are actions will not be painted with the love. Until all barriers are gone, do we love?
Are we cocooned in such fear of returned love, that we block any love that we may feel until we believe we are safe. Or do we cocoon ourselves in the fear of rejection? If the former is so, then we are never going to be safe, we are never going to be free, we will not love. If it is the later, then we have rejected and if you look at it a different way, each time someone does not approach you with love, then they are rejecting you for fear of their own rejections.
People reject for many reasons, some of these are valid. What valid reason can there to reject me if you do not know me, if you don't know my smile and what makes me smile, if you don't see the joy in my eyes from living my life simply because you don't come close enough. You then are rejecting me for no valid reason. I am rejected based upon my looks, upon my appearance and for reasons that are assumed. I am rejected because someone cannot be bothered to take the time to talk to me, to learn of me. Unfortunately they lose, I lose and the world losses.
What is the world coming to?
What is love?
Regardless of all of this, I believe in love and I think that you do too.
I love letters.
I love getting letters. Something hand written by someone I love. It does not matter what it is.
My cousin's kids send me post cards, and I send them post cards in return. It only takes a few minutes to send the post card, but they talk about the post cards I send them of interesting places that I have been to... or of next door if I have not been anywhere. They love to get parcels most of all, but I refuse to spoil them to much. I am happy to spoil them a little.
My Nana is a person that I love to write to. I am unable to hold up my end of a converstaion over the phone. You would never know it, but I am not always good at talking to people especially when I can't see them. Putting pen to paper allows me to say things in an ordered method. My Nan is now getting older, and has never been much of a letter writter. She always seemed to be worried about spelling errors. That does not worry me at all. When I receive a letter from her (no return address, but I can tell it is hers based upon the hand writing) my heart beats a little bit faster and I can hardly wait to read the wisdom that she has chosen to impart. I also don't mind reading about the weather and the triumphs of all her other grandchildren and now great grandchildren. The effort that even writing a letter now makes these treasures. It's something that we share, special between us.
I also often write to my friend Chantel. She has two little children, and I never know when the right time to call is. So I write to her and she writes back to me. I love the trials and tribulations that her children present her with. I also love hearing of their successes.
To me it does not matter if it is written neatly or in a hurried scrawl, if I can't read all the words I make sense of the letter anyway. I don't care if it's written on a sheet of pretty paper or not. It's the time taken. It's the care. It's the romance of it all. It's the effort, to get a stamp and post it. This really is no effort at all, but it is more than picking up the phone or punching out an email.
Don't get me wrong, I like phone calls and emails. But I love letters. Receiving them makes me feel special, sending them is just one way I can show that I care.
Think about it. Maybe there is someone that you know whose day you could brighten by taking the time to get a card and add some words, or take a piece of paper while sitting on your lunch break. Share a memory or words of support or nonsense. Whatever works for you. You don't need to write pages. Knowing that you are in someone's thoughts and that they felt that they needed to take action, can be all that is required.
There are not enough days to make someone feel special. There are not enough ways. This one is simple.
When was the last time you received a letter in the post?
My cousin's kids send me post cards, and I send them post cards in return. It only takes a few minutes to send the post card, but they talk about the post cards I send them of interesting places that I have been to... or of next door if I have not been anywhere. They love to get parcels most of all, but I refuse to spoil them to much. I am happy to spoil them a little.
My Nana is a person that I love to write to. I am unable to hold up my end of a converstaion over the phone. You would never know it, but I am not always good at talking to people especially when I can't see them. Putting pen to paper allows me to say things in an ordered method. My Nan is now getting older, and has never been much of a letter writter. She always seemed to be worried about spelling errors. That does not worry me at all. When I receive a letter from her (no return address, but I can tell it is hers based upon the hand writing) my heart beats a little bit faster and I can hardly wait to read the wisdom that she has chosen to impart. I also don't mind reading about the weather and the triumphs of all her other grandchildren and now great grandchildren. The effort that even writing a letter now makes these treasures. It's something that we share, special between us.
I also often write to my friend Chantel. She has two little children, and I never know when the right time to call is. So I write to her and she writes back to me. I love the trials and tribulations that her children present her with. I also love hearing of their successes.
To me it does not matter if it is written neatly or in a hurried scrawl, if I can't read all the words I make sense of the letter anyway. I don't care if it's written on a sheet of pretty paper or not. It's the time taken. It's the care. It's the romance of it all. It's the effort, to get a stamp and post it. This really is no effort at all, but it is more than picking up the phone or punching out an email.
Don't get me wrong, I like phone calls and emails. But I love letters. Receiving them makes me feel special, sending them is just one way I can show that I care.
Think about it. Maybe there is someone that you know whose day you could brighten by taking the time to get a card and add some words, or take a piece of paper while sitting on your lunch break. Share a memory or words of support or nonsense. Whatever works for you. You don't need to write pages. Knowing that you are in someone's thoughts and that they felt that they needed to take action, can be all that is required.
There are not enough days to make someone feel special. There are not enough ways. This one is simple.
When was the last time you received a letter in the post?
Sometimes
Sometimes I need to remember that I can easily come off sounding needy. Right now I am going to work towards counteracting this needy tendency or at least its perception.
I am blessed for many reasons...
I am blessed for a family who love me regardless of what I do. Sometimes I think that they love me in spite of what I do.
I am blessed for friends who support my decisions regardless of their personal beliefs or feelings. They tell me what they feel, yet support me without question.
I am blessed to be paid well for the job that I do.
I am blessed because I have an education that I did not deserve.
I am blessed because I am healthy and that those that I care for are also healthy.
I am blessed because I live in a country where I am free to believe what I believe.
I am blessed because my life has not been directly impacted upon by war or natural disasters.
I am blessed because I have the strength to deal with the trials and tribulations that are mine.
I am blessed because I have loved.
I am blessed because I have been loved.
I am blessed because I love.
I am blessed because I have poetry as an outlet for emotions that would otherwise kill me.
I am blessed because I have nothing which I regret.
I am blessed because I have never know hunger or thirst.
I am blessed because I have all that I need and a lot of what I want.
I am blessed because I have never felt cold that I could not warm up from or heat that I could not shelter from.
I am blessed because I am able to direct my life.
I am blessed because I am free.
I am blessed because my decisions are mine alone.
I am blessed.
I am blessed for many reasons...
I am blessed for a family who love me regardless of what I do. Sometimes I think that they love me in spite of what I do.
I am blessed for friends who support my decisions regardless of their personal beliefs or feelings. They tell me what they feel, yet support me without question.
I am blessed to be paid well for the job that I do.
I am blessed because I have an education that I did not deserve.
I am blessed because I am healthy and that those that I care for are also healthy.
I am blessed because I live in a country where I am free to believe what I believe.
I am blessed because my life has not been directly impacted upon by war or natural disasters.
I am blessed because I have the strength to deal with the trials and tribulations that are mine.
I am blessed because I have loved.
I am blessed because I have been loved.
I am blessed because I love.
I am blessed because I have poetry as an outlet for emotions that would otherwise kill me.
I am blessed because I have nothing which I regret.
I am blessed because I have never know hunger or thirst.
I am blessed because I have all that I need and a lot of what I want.
I am blessed because I have never felt cold that I could not warm up from or heat that I could not shelter from.
I am blessed because I am able to direct my life.
I am blessed because I am free.
I am blessed because my decisions are mine alone.
I am blessed.
Time for a more positive me.
It's time for a more positive me. It's time for me to take control of my life.
It's time that I make decisions and then stick to them. No more changing my mind. No more not following through on things that I have said that I will do, even if the only person I say them to is me.
No more complaining about work. I chose to apply for this secondment, and so I will see it through. If work starts becoming something I can do without complaint and with a smile, then maybe some of the other things in life will move foward.
Plans will be seen through to their natural conclusion.
Life will be good. No, life is good.
It's time that I make decisions and then stick to them. No more changing my mind. No more not following through on things that I have said that I will do, even if the only person I say them to is me.
No more complaining about work. I chose to apply for this secondment, and so I will see it through. If work starts becoming something I can do without complaint and with a smile, then maybe some of the other things in life will move foward.
Plans will be seen through to their natural conclusion.
Life will be good. No, life is good.
you have my permission to commit me...
If I ever get married at McDonalds "because that was where I first meet him"!!!
Achingly beautiful
There are some things in this world that are achingly beautiful. I was channel surfing while reading and responding to emails tonight. The Winter Olympics was on, and it was ice skating. I am constantly amazed at the things that these athletes/artists do. I know that they train for hours and hours. It does not decrease from the beauty of the event. It's strangly hypnotic. And while I have never ice skated, my amazement is not decreased.
The pairs were skating tongiht, and the team that were winning from last night had just started their performance. He threw her through the air, and it was expected that she would land. She did but she crashed to the ground with her legs going in every direction. When she got up, she could not place weight on her leg. Something to do with her knee. While the TV channel kept replaying her crash (I could not watch, it made me gasp every time). She came back onto the floor and skated with breathtaking beauty. Beauty not only because of the image on the rink, but also because of the courage that she displayed, and the concern that her partner showed for her.
There are so many things that are achingly beautiful... some of them are:
A perfect rose with a drop of dew that's scent draws you closer...
A sunset with a whisp of clouds that turn the most amazing shades...
Sunshine kissing on your skin on a cold day...
The cooling scent of rain on the breeze on a hot day...
The old couple who walk down the street hand in hand...
The glance between parents proud of their childs achievements...
What do you find achingly beautiful?
The pairs were skating tongiht, and the team that were winning from last night had just started their performance. He threw her through the air, and it was expected that she would land. She did but she crashed to the ground with her legs going in every direction. When she got up, she could not place weight on her leg. Something to do with her knee. While the TV channel kept replaying her crash (I could not watch, it made me gasp every time). She came back onto the floor and skated with breathtaking beauty. Beauty not only because of the image on the rink, but also because of the courage that she displayed, and the concern that her partner showed for her.
There are so many things that are achingly beautiful... some of them are:
A perfect rose with a drop of dew that's scent draws you closer...
A sunset with a whisp of clouds that turn the most amazing shades...
Sunshine kissing on your skin on a cold day...
The cooling scent of rain on the breeze on a hot day...
The old couple who walk down the street hand in hand...
The glance between parents proud of their childs achievements...
What do you find achingly beautiful?
Who will cry for me?
I was sucked into "Home and Away" tonight. It dealt with one of the younger characters dying from cancer. I was sitting here, sobbing during the show, wiping the tears away during the ad break. It got me to thinking, who will cry for me?
Obsessions
I'm watching a show on the ABC about some men and their obsession to growing and showing Dehlia's. Now these flowers are pretty, so I can understand wanting to grow them and putting a vase of them in a house to add some captured beauty. I don't know if I understand the obseesion of growing them to show them.
If anyone has seen the movie "Best in show" then picture flowers not about dogs. I quote "It's the keen sportsmanship and competition that gets him into it". I don't know if there is sportsmanship in growing flowers.
They are there with tweezers pulling out individual petals to ensure that they look pretty. You'd think that it was women interested in doing these. There are far more men then women showing flowers. I still don't understand the drive to travel a thousand kilometers to take the flowers to an interstate show.
I just love the obsessions that people have. It does not matter if this obsession is with flowers, or dogs, or the perfect look. These are some of the things that make humans such an interesting bunch of people.
What is the obsession of others that brings a smile to your face?
If anyone has seen the movie "Best in show" then picture flowers not about dogs. I quote "It's the keen sportsmanship and competition that gets him into it". I don't know if there is sportsmanship in growing flowers.
They are there with tweezers pulling out individual petals to ensure that they look pretty. You'd think that it was women interested in doing these. There are far more men then women showing flowers. I still don't understand the drive to travel a thousand kilometers to take the flowers to an interstate show.
I just love the obsessions that people have. It does not matter if this obsession is with flowers, or dogs, or the perfect look. These are some of the things that make humans such an interesting bunch of people.
What is the obsession of others that brings a smile to your face?
it's written in the stars
tell me all your secrets
and i won't tell anybody
pinky swear that i am the one you love
when the world is dark
and you could swear you've got no body
look to the sky it's written in the stars
cross my heart
the verse from "Cross my heart" as sung my Amanda Marshall from the CD Intermission
and i won't tell anybody
pinky swear that i am the one you love
when the world is dark
and you could swear you've got no body
look to the sky it's written in the stars
cross my heart
the verse from "Cross my heart" as sung my Amanda Marshall from the CD Intermission
How do I make contact with new people?
How do I make contact with new people?
I'm sure that I have something to offer, I just have noone to offer it to...
I know that I have lots to learn, I just need someone to share with me...
How do I do it?
I'm sure that I have something to offer, I just have noone to offer it to...
I know that I have lots to learn, I just need someone to share with me...
How do I do it?
Am I profoundly selfish?
And is this why my relationships don't work?
And if it is true, this means I should never have children.
Can I change my wicked ways?
More importantly... Do I wish to???
And if it is true, this means I should never have children.
Can I change my wicked ways?
More importantly... Do I wish to???
Everything we do is driven by a motive.
We may not like to think about it, but it is true.
Most of the time I act based upon the need to be accepted and the belief that I am not worthy. Okay, so I need to work on both of these things.
Not everything I do is due the need to be accepted. Some things I do because they make me feel good. Baking goodies to take to work is done because it makes me feel good. I have friends that I have continued to maintain negative relationships with because I felt that they needed me.
There are some things I do for the pleasure alone. Things like spreading a blanket out on the grass, laying in the late afternoon sunshine and reading a book. Things like warm toast and hot tea. Things like walking knee deep in the ocean with waves splashing my pants. Things like floating in a pool with my arms outstretched and my head tilted back so that my closed eyes are covered in water.
I think that I am going to start thinking about the motive for the things that I do... maybe this is a way to find worth and reasons for moving forward.
Most of the time I act based upon the need to be accepted and the belief that I am not worthy. Okay, so I need to work on both of these things.
Not everything I do is due the need to be accepted. Some things I do because they make me feel good. Baking goodies to take to work is done because it makes me feel good. I have friends that I have continued to maintain negative relationships with because I felt that they needed me.
There are some things I do for the pleasure alone. Things like spreading a blanket out on the grass, laying in the late afternoon sunshine and reading a book. Things like warm toast and hot tea. Things like walking knee deep in the ocean with waves splashing my pants. Things like floating in a pool with my arms outstretched and my head tilted back so that my closed eyes are covered in water.
I think that I am going to start thinking about the motive for the things that I do... maybe this is a way to find worth and reasons for moving forward.
Does it make sense?
You have to have a license to drive a car.
You need to sit an interview to get a passport.
You need to have lessons before you can get married.
And yet any scrubber can have a child.
It does not make much sense.
You need to sit an interview to get a passport.
You need to have lessons before you can get married.
And yet any scrubber can have a child.
It does not make much sense.
I call her Nana
There is one woman that I admire more than anyone else that I can think of. I call her Nana.
To you Nana may not be something special, but to me she is. She was the eldest daughter in a family when the eldest daughter took responsibility for the raising of her younger brothers and sisters. So much so all her family members call her Sis, all her nieces and nephews call her Aunty Sis. For so many years it must have seemed that she did not have her own identity.
She was a child of the depression. I think that this has had a lasting impression on her. Not necessarily a positive thing, not necessarily a negative thing... just a lasting thing.
My Nan dealt with her brothers being sent to war and not coming back the way that they left.
She then met my Pa, got married and had 4 kids. She dealt with a man who would bring strangers over for dinner without notice. She dealt with not having enough money by making do. She was a good mum. I can't say that she was a great mum because I don't know, but she did her job and she did it well. My mum, aunts and uncle are all relatively well adjusted, from my perspective at least.
My childhood was great. Nana taught me how to cook, and how to bake... She taught me how to sew, to iron, to knit and to crochet. She showed me all the things that women of her generation needed to know. She then told me that she was proud of me, that I did not have to follow her path. She confided in me, telling me that if she was my age, she would never have married and never have had children. She did not regret it, because she had 4 children, 10 grandchildren and many great grandchildren.
Then my Nan divorced my Pa after more than 40 years of marriage. She divorced him even though for many years her identity and her life was based on his. She divorced him and did what she wanted to do. It takes a lot of courage for someone of my generation to do that, I don't know where she found the strength.
I wish that I knew her more.
All I know is that she is a woman that I admire and I call her Nana.
To you Nana may not be something special, but to me she is. She was the eldest daughter in a family when the eldest daughter took responsibility for the raising of her younger brothers and sisters. So much so all her family members call her Sis, all her nieces and nephews call her Aunty Sis. For so many years it must have seemed that she did not have her own identity.
She was a child of the depression. I think that this has had a lasting impression on her. Not necessarily a positive thing, not necessarily a negative thing... just a lasting thing.
My Nan dealt with her brothers being sent to war and not coming back the way that they left.
She then met my Pa, got married and had 4 kids. She dealt with a man who would bring strangers over for dinner without notice. She dealt with not having enough money by making do. She was a good mum. I can't say that she was a great mum because I don't know, but she did her job and she did it well. My mum, aunts and uncle are all relatively well adjusted, from my perspective at least.
My childhood was great. Nana taught me how to cook, and how to bake... She taught me how to sew, to iron, to knit and to crochet. She showed me all the things that women of her generation needed to know. She then told me that she was proud of me, that I did not have to follow her path. She confided in me, telling me that if she was my age, she would never have married and never have had children. She did not regret it, because she had 4 children, 10 grandchildren and many great grandchildren.
Then my Nan divorced my Pa after more than 40 years of marriage. She divorced him even though for many years her identity and her life was based on his. She divorced him and did what she wanted to do. It takes a lot of courage for someone of my generation to do that, I don't know where she found the strength.
I wish that I knew her more.
All I know is that she is a woman that I admire and I call her Nana.
Why can't I sleep?
Why can't I sleep?
I've cut back my caffine and am now having none after 2pm. I've switched from tea or coffee at night to a decaff vanilla tea.
Tonight I am trying Valerian. Maybe that and no caffine will work.
I don't know if it will stop the thoughts that fly through my head. Maybe they are the things that are keeping me awake.
I've cut back my caffine and am now having none after 2pm. I've switched from tea or coffee at night to a decaff vanilla tea.
Tonight I am trying Valerian. Maybe that and no caffine will work.
I don't know if it will stop the thoughts that fly through my head. Maybe they are the things that are keeping me awake.
Have you seen my missing balls?
I'm starting to think that I am on an endless search for something that makes me feel important and valued. I don't even know where to start looking.
I don't have a job that drives me. At the moment I am just killing time, waiting for this temporay insanity to leave me alone. I don't even know where I will be going when it is done. The worrying thing is that I have no idea of what I want to do. How can I work towards anything when I don't know where I want that part of my life to go. This will eventually work itself out. I know that.
I don't have family commitments to amuse and entertain me. My family live thousands of kilometres away. This is my choice. I decided to move, because, at the time, I thought that I was moving towards something. I realise now that all I was doing then was running away from something or someone. Maybe both. Family will always be with me. I have always excluded myself, so distance is not an excuse. They love me and I love them, but we never really did fit together.
I don't have that someone special in my life to be moving forward with. I would like to have that, and maybe that is the something that I am searching for most. The problem is that I don't know where to start searching. Yes I can do the whole web thing, but sometimes it just seems like too much effort. Really the problem is that I don't know why anyone would want to be me when I would not want to be with me. That sounds pathetic and I know that I could do something about it, but why am I not driven to it.
I need to find something or someone to draw me out of the rutt that I have found myself with.
From the TV show Secret Life Of Me for a while I had the philosopy that there were 3 parts to life that needed to be balanced. Family, Love and Career. At the moment 2 of these seem to be in the crapper to some extent.
From a book that I read a while ago (and I am sorry that I forgot the name of the book) I might have the philosophy that life is made up of 5 balls. These balls are Health, Career, Love, Family and Integrity. Life is all about juggling these 5 balls and keeping them up in the air. It then went on to say that 4 of these balls are made of rubber while the other, Integrity, is made of glass. The rubber balls will bounce back if they are dropped, but once Integrity is dropped it shatters and can never be the same again. I have 3 of those balls in the air at the moment (Health, Family and Integrity). The other 2 balls have fallen and bounced away. Now I am searching to try to pick them up and add them to the juggle. I think I like this philosophy better.
I don't have a job that drives me. At the moment I am just killing time, waiting for this temporay insanity to leave me alone. I don't even know where I will be going when it is done. The worrying thing is that I have no idea of what I want to do. How can I work towards anything when I don't know where I want that part of my life to go. This will eventually work itself out. I know that.
I don't have family commitments to amuse and entertain me. My family live thousands of kilometres away. This is my choice. I decided to move, because, at the time, I thought that I was moving towards something. I realise now that all I was doing then was running away from something or someone. Maybe both. Family will always be with me. I have always excluded myself, so distance is not an excuse. They love me and I love them, but we never really did fit together.
I don't have that someone special in my life to be moving forward with. I would like to have that, and maybe that is the something that I am searching for most. The problem is that I don't know where to start searching. Yes I can do the whole web thing, but sometimes it just seems like too much effort. Really the problem is that I don't know why anyone would want to be me when I would not want to be with me. That sounds pathetic and I know that I could do something about it, but why am I not driven to it.
I need to find something or someone to draw me out of the rutt that I have found myself with.
From the TV show Secret Life Of Me for a while I had the philosopy that there were 3 parts to life that needed to be balanced. Family, Love and Career. At the moment 2 of these seem to be in the crapper to some extent.
From a book that I read a while ago (and I am sorry that I forgot the name of the book) I might have the philosophy that life is made up of 5 balls. These balls are Health, Career, Love, Family and Integrity. Life is all about juggling these 5 balls and keeping them up in the air. It then went on to say that 4 of these balls are made of rubber while the other, Integrity, is made of glass. The rubber balls will bounce back if they are dropped, but once Integrity is dropped it shatters and can never be the same again. I have 3 of those balls in the air at the moment (Health, Family and Integrity). The other 2 balls have fallen and bounced away. Now I am searching to try to pick them up and add them to the juggle. I think I like this philosophy better.
Disadvantages of the information age.
People talk about how great the information age is. I don't know if that is true. I'm sitting here and watching the news and all I am hearing about bad news. A ferry sinks and 1300 are dead or fighting not to drown.. last year it was a couple of cyclones and a earthquake... the year before it was a killer wave...
We no longer have to wait for the information to follow more traditional paths. We hear and sometimes see a disaster as it unfolds.
I know that information is free, and now it can flow easily. I just don't know if is a good thing. I don't need to see people falling from buildings as they collapse. I don't need to see waves sweep people under and never to resurface.
It's almost like reality tv, the only problem is that the people being put on tv have not volunteered. I know that there is a lot of suffering in this world. I know that people are eachothers worse enemy, I know that people are the enemy of mother nature and mother nature is the enemy of people.
I also know that war is the greater killer of people. I don't need to see that but I fear that it will be the next thing that will be beamed into my home when I am least expecting it.
I don't want to live in a bubble. I don't expect the world to be full of sunshine and success. I also don't want the horrors of the world rubbed in my face. There is nothing that I can do about these things. I can donate money to help out people, and then later be told that 1.32% of my donation made a difference, the rest was consumed be costs and payments and things that will never be explained.
I'm not crying helpless and I don't wish to be ignorant. There are just some things that I don't need to know.
We no longer have to wait for the information to follow more traditional paths. We hear and sometimes see a disaster as it unfolds.
I know that information is free, and now it can flow easily. I just don't know if is a good thing. I don't need to see people falling from buildings as they collapse. I don't need to see waves sweep people under and never to resurface.
It's almost like reality tv, the only problem is that the people being put on tv have not volunteered. I know that there is a lot of suffering in this world. I know that people are eachothers worse enemy, I know that people are the enemy of mother nature and mother nature is the enemy of people.
I also know that war is the greater killer of people. I don't need to see that but I fear that it will be the next thing that will be beamed into my home when I am least expecting it.
I don't want to live in a bubble. I don't expect the world to be full of sunshine and success. I also don't want the horrors of the world rubbed in my face. There is nothing that I can do about these things. I can donate money to help out people, and then later be told that 1.32% of my donation made a difference, the rest was consumed be costs and payments and things that will never be explained.
I'm not crying helpless and I don't wish to be ignorant. There are just some things that I don't need to know.
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