Friends are on the move. Off to places remote and far flung. Some times I think about throwing it all in and running off to some new adventure. I know that I don't have the courage to do it. I might do it if I was pushed.
I wish these friends the best travels. May the road rise to meet you falling feet. May the sun shine upon you for warmth and the breeze brush your skin to cool you down. May the people you meet see the things that make you special. May the language barrier be easier to climb over. May I see you soon upon your return.
Today is Sunday
Today is Sunday and I have had a most fantastic day.
Nothing special happened. The sun was shining. I had a productive day. I cleaned windows and mowed the lawn. I moved some things outside that have been waiting to be moved for days if not months. I made some jim jam pants and cleaned up the mess I made.
I enjoyed sitting on the side of the road in the midday sunshine, waiting for friends to drop off excess luggage. I am now sitting in front of a window with the cooling scent of rain falling through the window onto me. Occasional blasts of what my flat mate is cooking comes my way. The scent of leeks and onions cooking is great, the overtone of orange is a little weird... but who knows, carrot orange and walnut soup may be tasty.
The music is loud and of my choice and I cruise through other peoples blogs. I don't know if there is anything more I can ask for... Today I took part in these things:
Cleaning - which satisfies my cleaning need
Mowing - which satisfies my need for order
Sunshine - which satisfies my soul
Creativity - which enriches my life
Heat - which makes me feel alive
Cool - which makes me feel alive (please note... this is not cold)
Life is good. Simple is good. This is not easy, but it is all very very good...
Nothing special happened. The sun was shining. I had a productive day. I cleaned windows and mowed the lawn. I moved some things outside that have been waiting to be moved for days if not months. I made some jim jam pants and cleaned up the mess I made.
I enjoyed sitting on the side of the road in the midday sunshine, waiting for friends to drop off excess luggage. I am now sitting in front of a window with the cooling scent of rain falling through the window onto me. Occasional blasts of what my flat mate is cooking comes my way. The scent of leeks and onions cooking is great, the overtone of orange is a little weird... but who knows, carrot orange and walnut soup may be tasty.
The music is loud and of my choice and I cruise through other peoples blogs. I don't know if there is anything more I can ask for... Today I took part in these things:
Cleaning - which satisfies my cleaning need
Mowing - which satisfies my need for order
Sunshine - which satisfies my soul
Creativity - which enriches my life
Heat - which makes me feel alive
Cool - which makes me feel alive (please note... this is not cold)
Life is good. Simple is good. This is not easy, but it is all very very good...
Am I unprepared and unqualified?
"To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour." - Sir Winston Churchill
A New Week
Thus far, it has been a quiet week for me.
I haven't some of the things that I should have, however this is not unusual.
I spent a fair bit of time thinking last weekend. Putting my house in order, if you will. Coming to terms with a few things.
Realising that life is about living in the here and now, and not in some ideal version of the future, which may never eventuate due to any number of possible circumstances. And that hanging on to the past, to a version of the past which would seem to point to that ideal future, is also a waste of time.
I also realised that I have some pretty bloody good friends. Friends who are prepared to listen, to guide, to offer solace and encouragement.
So all in all a very relaxing and in terms of my state of mind a very productive weekend. I feel more centred and at peace than I have in a long while.
I haven't some of the things that I should have, however this is not unusual.
I spent a fair bit of time thinking last weekend. Putting my house in order, if you will. Coming to terms with a few things.
Realising that life is about living in the here and now, and not in some ideal version of the future, which may never eventuate due to any number of possible circumstances. And that hanging on to the past, to a version of the past which would seem to point to that ideal future, is also a waste of time.
I also realised that I have some pretty bloody good friends. Friends who are prepared to listen, to guide, to offer solace and encouragement.
So all in all a very relaxing and in terms of my state of mind a very productive weekend. I feel more centred and at peace than I have in a long while.
Nothing to complain about
I really have nothing to complain about. There are so many people who face a life filled with far more challenges than I have faced. These challenges are greater than any of the challenges that I will ever face. I am greatful that I don't have to face these challenges because I don't think that I would be strong enough to deal with them with grace and style.
5 years ago tomorrow, the world changed forever. Tomorrow is September 11. 5 years ago, an unidentifed shadow become a reality. The very real threat (almost promise) of terrorism is now something faced by many. Just as there are those who don't remember life before CD's, there are those who do not remember a life lived without the fear of terrorism. This saddens me greatly.
To be terribly honest, my life has not changed much. Although I have seen this fear on TV, I have not had to personally deal with it. For me, the threat of something bad happening is just that, a threat.
Sure, there have been more things since the 9/11. There has been the bombings in Bali and the blasts in London.
Fortunately life goes on...
5 years ago tomorrow, the world changed forever. Tomorrow is September 11. 5 years ago, an unidentifed shadow become a reality. The very real threat (almost promise) of terrorism is now something faced by many. Just as there are those who don't remember life before CD's, there are those who do not remember a life lived without the fear of terrorism. This saddens me greatly.
To be terribly honest, my life has not changed much. Although I have seen this fear on TV, I have not had to personally deal with it. For me, the threat of something bad happening is just that, a threat.
Sure, there have been more things since the 9/11. There has been the bombings in Bali and the blasts in London.
Fortunately life goes on...
6 Thing That Everyone Needs
Need certainty
Need variety
Need a sense of belonging
Need to contribute
Need to grow
Need a sense of significance
These are the needs that I have in my work life.
These are the needs that I have in my love life.
These are the needs that I meet with my friends and family.
These are the needs that I have with myself.
It seems fairly simple when it is broken down. Now the things that I feel that I am missing, I can work on.
Need variety
Need a sense of belonging
Need to contribute
Need to grow
Need a sense of significance
These are the needs that I have in my work life.
These are the needs that I have in my love life.
These are the needs that I meet with my friends and family.
These are the needs that I have with myself.
It seems fairly simple when it is broken down. Now the things that I feel that I am missing, I can work on.
Do you ever imagine?
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made a different choice or a number of different choices? I do.
I sometimes sit and map out my life. I wonder what it would be like if I was a little different. I wonder what path I would be walking if I had taken the left branch instead of the right branch. I wonder what would have happened if I had taken the high road instead of the low road. I wonder what would have happened if the decisions that others made around me where made differently.
Without a doubt, I would be a different person. I would still have the same name, and I would still be the same age, but my challenges may be different. I wonder that if those decisions had been made, if I would be sitting here now thinking of this now.
Where would I like my life to be? What roads would I like to have turned left instead of right, or turned back instead of continueing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my life and the things that are in it now. I would not go and change things to make it different. I like to sometimes imagine that it is different.
What if is something that I play once or twice until I start to feel a pang for the life that I never have had and never will have.
I wonder if the life that I now live is the life that I was destined to live. There are times when I want to be more than I am now, I just don't know how to go about executing such a dramatic life.
Sometimes I don't feel as if I can get the life that I have now into any specific order. There are things that I am unable to control. I am a person who values control, and yet in the most inopportune times I have no control. I hate this weakness in me, and would like to change it. I don't know how to do this.
Do you ever imagine what life would be like if it was destined to be different. I do.
I sometimes sit and map out my life. I wonder what it would be like if I was a little different. I wonder what path I would be walking if I had taken the left branch instead of the right branch. I wonder what would have happened if I had taken the high road instead of the low road. I wonder what would have happened if the decisions that others made around me where made differently.
Without a doubt, I would be a different person. I would still have the same name, and I would still be the same age, but my challenges may be different. I wonder that if those decisions had been made, if I would be sitting here now thinking of this now.
Where would I like my life to be? What roads would I like to have turned left instead of right, or turned back instead of continueing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my life and the things that are in it now. I would not go and change things to make it different. I like to sometimes imagine that it is different.
What if is something that I play once or twice until I start to feel a pang for the life that I never have had and never will have.
I wonder if the life that I now live is the life that I was destined to live. There are times when I want to be more than I am now, I just don't know how to go about executing such a dramatic life.
Sometimes I don't feel as if I can get the life that I have now into any specific order. There are things that I am unable to control. I am a person who values control, and yet in the most inopportune times I have no control. I hate this weakness in me, and would like to change it. I don't know how to do this.
Do you ever imagine what life would be like if it was destined to be different. I do.
The Bloggers are leaving
A number the bloggers that I love to read seem to be leaving or disappearing of off the face of the planet. What does this mean for me?
I need to find some more favourites!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I need to find some more favourites!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Maybe it's time to search within.
Today I was standing in the garden looking over the fence. The wind was cold in my face. The light bulb went off. I think that for the last while I have been searching outside of myself for an answer.
Maybe it is time to search within for the answers I need.
Maybe there are no answers.
I think I will look within and get back to me.
Maybe it is time to search within for the answers I need.
Maybe there are no answers.
I think I will look within and get back to me.
Cranky
I believe that I have been cranky because of the woman who sits over the partition from me. For the last couple of weeks, she has not shut up. She does not stop talking. She relates stories that have no bearing on the conversation at hand. Can I tell you of the relief that I feel that she has now started holidays.
Ah, so long cranky...
Ah, so long cranky...
Insanity
The flowers are breaking free of the constraints of winter. The flowering shrubs now have a promise of the flowers that will soon explode. Pushing their way through the cold ground are the bulbs that were planted last autumn. There are fruit trees that are a riot of blossums that imply that the trees soon will be burdened by fruit.
The trees are heavy with new leaves that are light and bright. Some of the leaves are red indicating the new growth.
The grass grows more quickly as the length of the sunlight increases.
The sunshine lingers in the afternoon and there is a brightness in the morning make4s it easier to raise.
Spring is here, only days before winter would have driven me insane...
The trees are heavy with new leaves that are light and bright. Some of the leaves are red indicating the new growth.
The grass grows more quickly as the length of the sunlight increases.
The sunshine lingers in the afternoon and there is a brightness in the morning make4s it easier to raise.
Spring is here, only days before winter would have driven me insane...
Don't Worry Mum.
A poem by Me.
Don’t worry Mum
I’m doing alright
I am laughing in the day
And I am surviving the night.
Lend me your silent strength
No harsh words do you share
You wipe my tears. You shelter me
Almost more tender than I can bear
You give me strength
You are my truth and soul
Your arms surround me
Making me forget that I am not whole
When you hold me I am a child
You make everything better
You share the memories
You are the advice begetter
Make the hurt disappear
Mum, only you have helped
I owe you so much, everything
Nothing you can do but help
Love does not define it
It is so very much more
It is a mother thing and you have it
Just for me you have more.
Don’t worry Mum
I’m doing alright
I am laughing in the day
And I am surviving the night.
Lend me your silent strength
No harsh words do you share
You wipe my tears. You shelter me
Almost more tender than I can bear
You give me strength
You are my truth and soul
Your arms surround me
Making me forget that I am not whole
When you hold me I am a child
You make everything better
You share the memories
You are the advice begetter
Make the hurt disappear
Mum, only you have helped
I owe you so much, everything
Nothing you can do but help
Love does not define it
It is so very much more
It is a mother thing and you have it
Just for me you have more.
I am so blogging this...
And I quote "Smell me... Smell my arm... I smell like lemon butter!!!"
After he sniffs a jar of lemon butter "I smell better than lemon butter!!! Tell me it's not true... smell the lemon butter" which he conviently holds on my face...
"What would you rather have on toast... me or lemon butter?"
Does he sound weird? He needs to ask?
"Do I amuse thee?" and again... he needs to ask???
After he sniffs a jar of lemon butter "I smell better than lemon butter!!! Tell me it's not true... smell the lemon butter" which he conviently holds on my face...
"What would you rather have on toast... me or lemon butter?"
Does he sound weird? He needs to ask?
"Do I amuse thee?" and again... he needs to ask???
Today.
Today I have been bored. If you asked my flatmate, I am sure that it would be with a capital "B". I honestly think that all the letters should be capitalised based on the way that I feel today. Nothing has really captured my attention. I have felt all out of sorts today and don't know how to fix it.
I felt unwell this morning and I think that this captured the vibe of the day.
Tomorrow is filled with the promise of more boredom. The project is winding down, but it is still a WHOLE week until I return to my old job. There are few challenges there, but at least I will be busy.
Tonight I watched Australian Idol, and not much caught my attention. Now I listen to the noise that the shower makes and play the soundtrack from some movie that my flatmate finds depressing. I like this music it makes me think.
I sometimes think that this is all I am... and this thought scares me...
I felt unwell this morning and I think that this captured the vibe of the day.
Tomorrow is filled with the promise of more boredom. The project is winding down, but it is still a WHOLE week until I return to my old job. There are few challenges there, but at least I will be busy.
Tonight I watched Australian Idol, and not much caught my attention. Now I listen to the noise that the shower makes and play the soundtrack from some movie that my flatmate finds depressing. I like this music it makes me think.
I sometimes think that this is all I am... and this thought scares me...
Thoughts lead back to you.
Without even trying, my thoughts seem to always lead back to you. I've received mysterious things from you. An email implying an impending phone call. A postcard from your overseas holiday. This had lead me to all sorts of thoughts and ideas.
This has made me run away from thoughts that I want to have, but thoughts I wish I could deny having. I think of you in the strangest places. I think of things that we have done, and places that we have been. Totally unrelated objects prompt thoughts of you and I wish that they would leave me alone.
I know that I am not an innocent when it comes to thoughts of you. I have sent the occasional email and the occassional message. I still love you and want you to still love me, but I don't see how this can go anywre. Some of the things that you need are non-negotiable.
I am tired of being alone, but I don't know if you are going to be the person who fill the void. If you are, I don't know if you should be the person who has that. I don't know what I am looking for, but if all you can offer is all that you have offered in the past, then it will not be enough and in 3 months or 3 years I will be here, in this same position again.
Each time that you give me an inch, I imagine you offering me a mile. I know and I don't know.
I have watched you walk away from me before. Each time my heart breaks, but each time you come around again, I take you in. It is a weakness in me that I can't seem to break.
I always imagine how good it will be. For me we have never been bad. You are the one who is not satisified with what is. You are the one who wants more but you are the one who does not want to give any more. You are the one who sees the problems, but you are not the one who is willing to share the problems and to work on them until they are solved or settled.
We always go on line this. We always have laughter and we always have tears. We always have memoriable moments but we also settle into a rut of comfortable things. There is no action, there is no change and no challenge.
Maybe the reason that I want you is for the challenge. Maybe the reason that I want you is because you are the only failure that I have never been able to accept. Maybe this never accept our failure because I never have felt that I have given it my all. Maybe if we required and took my everything I could accept the failure that we have had.
Maybe the problem is that I have never given everything because I have never felt that I deserved you in the first place. Maybe this is why I have always held something back. Maybe this holding back is also the reason that I continue to hold on.
Maybe this is why all thoughts lead back to you.
This has made me run away from thoughts that I want to have, but thoughts I wish I could deny having. I think of you in the strangest places. I think of things that we have done, and places that we have been. Totally unrelated objects prompt thoughts of you and I wish that they would leave me alone.
I know that I am not an innocent when it comes to thoughts of you. I have sent the occasional email and the occassional message. I still love you and want you to still love me, but I don't see how this can go anywre. Some of the things that you need are non-negotiable.
I am tired of being alone, but I don't know if you are going to be the person who fill the void. If you are, I don't know if you should be the person who has that. I don't know what I am looking for, but if all you can offer is all that you have offered in the past, then it will not be enough and in 3 months or 3 years I will be here, in this same position again.
Each time that you give me an inch, I imagine you offering me a mile. I know and I don't know.
I have watched you walk away from me before. Each time my heart breaks, but each time you come around again, I take you in. It is a weakness in me that I can't seem to break.
I always imagine how good it will be. For me we have never been bad. You are the one who is not satisified with what is. You are the one who wants more but you are the one who does not want to give any more. You are the one who sees the problems, but you are not the one who is willing to share the problems and to work on them until they are solved or settled.
We always go on line this. We always have laughter and we always have tears. We always have memoriable moments but we also settle into a rut of comfortable things. There is no action, there is no change and no challenge.
Maybe the reason that I want you is for the challenge. Maybe the reason that I want you is because you are the only failure that I have never been able to accept. Maybe this never accept our failure because I never have felt that I have given it my all. Maybe if we required and took my everything I could accept the failure that we have had.
Maybe the problem is that I have never given everything because I have never felt that I deserved you in the first place. Maybe this is why I have always held something back. Maybe this holding back is also the reason that I continue to hold on.
Maybe this is why all thoughts lead back to you.
I want
I want to feel free. I am the one that holds me back. I am a clown at heart. Sometimes this is not good. I am able to smile though my heart aches. I am the one who laughs at the world. Does the world laugh at me?
I want to know you. I hide myself from the world. I ask a million questions. It is easier to ask than answer. It is easier to be on my own. Why does no one want to know me as much as I want to be known.
I want to be full. I am the one who feels empty. I want to feel satisfied when I sleep. I want to have so much to do that time does not exist. What will it take to complete my hollow existance?
I want to love. I want to be loved. I want someone to take my hand to to hold it close. I want someone to challenge me so that I smile during the attempt. I want someone to protect my heart. I want to go to sleep and wake up with someone beside me. I want someone to ride in my car and sing as loud as me. I want someone to stay with me a while. I want someone to hold as they cry. I want someone to share the joys of life with. I want someone to think of when we are apart. I want them to think of me to. What holds me back from going after what I want?
I want to be a winner. I don't want to cradle my hand as my heart shatters. I don't want to rebuild something from nothing. What reassurances do I need this time?
I want what I used to have. I don't want to be where I am now, again. I just don't know. What has changed from last time?
I want to know you. I hide myself from the world. I ask a million questions. It is easier to ask than answer. It is easier to be on my own. Why does no one want to know me as much as I want to be known.
I want to be full. I am the one who feels empty. I want to feel satisfied when I sleep. I want to have so much to do that time does not exist. What will it take to complete my hollow existance?
I want to love. I want to be loved. I want someone to take my hand to to hold it close. I want someone to challenge me so that I smile during the attempt. I want someone to protect my heart. I want to go to sleep and wake up with someone beside me. I want someone to ride in my car and sing as loud as me. I want someone to stay with me a while. I want someone to hold as they cry. I want someone to share the joys of life with. I want someone to think of when we are apart. I want them to think of me to. What holds me back from going after what I want?
I want to be a winner. I don't want to cradle my hand as my heart shatters. I don't want to rebuild something from nothing. What reassurances do I need this time?
I want what I used to have. I don't want to be where I am now, again. I just don't know. What has changed from last time?
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