I have found that now I am of a certain age, that I am more... more something... I want to say tolerant, but know that my lack of tolerance sometimes frustrates me. Maybe it is that I am more distant. I have separated myself more from people and situations. I am one step back, which means that it takes longer for me to burn hot with fury, to laugh out loud at an amusing moment.
I feel that I can recognise the patterns in life. I feel that I have identified most of the tempations. I know the way the people use people, as I find myself often using people.
There is no glamour in the menial corruptions that happen each day. The fun of conspiracy has decreased. I am more likely to tell someone that I have hiden their prized item and moments later am returning that item. Years ago I could take and hide an item for weeks and get immense pleasure from the deception and deceipt.
I'm no so old that I don't want to waste the energy. I am happy to watch those younger doing their bit. I am happy to advise them on the evil that they can create. I just don't bother any more.
Have I passed love by?
Have I passed love by or has love passed me by,
I am starting to wonder if I am going to turn into an old bachelorette. I fear that I am going to become one of those bitter old bachelorettes. I know that I will never have a hundred kittens, but I may have the personality.
Love is always lurking around the corner. Other people seem to find it, tripping over love when they least expect it. I have fallen over once, it hurt, but the wounds stopped bleeding.
I am concerned that I never had the capacity to love as others need to be loved. I am worried that all that I have to offer is never going to be enough. I know that I can be annoying, and I know that I have things that I do are frustrating, but I can't change who I am. I can't even minimise it if noone tells me what is wrong with me.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder if this is it. I wonder if this is all tha tlife has to offer. I think that something has to change, that I have to change, but I don't know what that thing is. I don't know what to do to make me better. I don't know if I am going to do it even if I could find out.
I'm worried about just making do. I worry about taking a chance and that chance being the wrong one. I worry about not taking a chance and that chance being the right one. I'm worried about living the life I live now forever. I am worried that I won't grow, that I won't find love. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be married. I want to make a home with someone. I think I want to have a baby. I don't know about the last one, but I want more. Unfortunately I want these things and I want it all. I want love and family and a future.
Has love passed me by? Have I passed love by?
I am starting to wonder if I am going to turn into an old bachelorette. I fear that I am going to become one of those bitter old bachelorettes. I know that I will never have a hundred kittens, but I may have the personality.
Love is always lurking around the corner. Other people seem to find it, tripping over love when they least expect it. I have fallen over once, it hurt, but the wounds stopped bleeding.
I am concerned that I never had the capacity to love as others need to be loved. I am worried that all that I have to offer is never going to be enough. I know that I can be annoying, and I know that I have things that I do are frustrating, but I can't change who I am. I can't even minimise it if noone tells me what is wrong with me.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder if this is it. I wonder if this is all tha tlife has to offer. I think that something has to change, that I have to change, but I don't know what that thing is. I don't know what to do to make me better. I don't know if I am going to do it even if I could find out.
I'm worried about just making do. I worry about taking a chance and that chance being the wrong one. I worry about not taking a chance and that chance being the right one. I'm worried about living the life I live now forever. I am worried that I won't grow, that I won't find love. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be married. I want to make a home with someone. I think I want to have a baby. I don't know about the last one, but I want more. Unfortunately I want these things and I want it all. I want love and family and a future.
Has love passed me by? Have I passed love by?
Loneliness
Sometimes I am alone. My life feels to be in the middle of nowhere. I have been known to isolate myself, by my actions and my words.
For me, loneliness no longer holds the intense fear that it once did.
Loneliness is female. She is female because at times she is happy to linger in the background and watch my life move past her. Sometimes she is so loud that I have to put both of my hands over my ears with the hope of reducing her ear-bleeding scream. Sometimes she is so strong that I alone can exist in her presence.
I know her boundaries. I have mapped her highs and lows. I know how she feels. I know what she likes and what she does not.
I have not lost the capacity to feel lonely, I fear loosing that. If I lost the capacity to feel loneliness I would fear that I had lost the capacity to feel. At times, when I have feared that I would never feel anything again I rejoiced in the visits from loneliness. Loneliness has been my friend, my lover and my sworn enemy at different times.
For me, loneliness no longer holds the intense fear that it once did.
Loneliness is female. She is female because at times she is happy to linger in the background and watch my life move past her. Sometimes she is so loud that I have to put both of my hands over my ears with the hope of reducing her ear-bleeding scream. Sometimes she is so strong that I alone can exist in her presence.
I know her boundaries. I have mapped her highs and lows. I know how she feels. I know what she likes and what she does not.
I have not lost the capacity to feel lonely, I fear loosing that. If I lost the capacity to feel loneliness I would fear that I had lost the capacity to feel. At times, when I have feared that I would never feel anything again I rejoiced in the visits from loneliness. Loneliness has been my friend, my lover and my sworn enemy at different times.
To start something new, something old has to end...
How do I make something end that I want to end?
I don't know how to make the past end so that something new can begin... I need to make new things begin...
I thought that if I just continued and lived one day at a time that things would come to an end so that new things could begin. Don't get me wrong, I don't imagine that things are going to begin imediately after to old things end. I imagined some time of morning, but I am in limbo and don't know how to move on.
I have been looking around at places to escape to. I have been tossing up with the idea of moving back to my home state, of starting a new job and therefore a new but old life.
Is this running back towards something that I ran away from? I don't know. I want something new I want to discard the old. This is not ignoring the past as my past contributes to who I am. This is just so that I can place the past in the past.
I want to move on from all the things that hold me back to become all that I hope that I am meant to be.
I don't know how to make the past end so that something new can begin... I need to make new things begin...
I thought that if I just continued and lived one day at a time that things would come to an end so that new things could begin. Don't get me wrong, I don't imagine that things are going to begin imediately after to old things end. I imagined some time of morning, but I am in limbo and don't know how to move on.
I have been looking around at places to escape to. I have been tossing up with the idea of moving back to my home state, of starting a new job and therefore a new but old life.
Is this running back towards something that I ran away from? I don't know. I want something new I want to discard the old. This is not ignoring the past as my past contributes to who I am. This is just so that I can place the past in the past.
I want to move on from all the things that hold me back to become all that I hope that I am meant to be.
Someone elses wisdom
1) change is unchangable
2) no one has the power to change the unchangable
3) I love myself as I am
4) resisting adversity many people break other break records
5) to see the things as it
6) to err is human and we all are humans
7) it is very difficult to change the other person, a better option is for you to change and be happy
8) the man who wins is the man who thinks he can
9) I believe in win-win policy
10) the harder you work the lucker you go
11) success requires calculated risk and planned consistent efforts
2) no one has the power to change the unchangable
3) I love myself as I am
4) resisting adversity many people break other break records
5) to see the things as it
6) to err is human and we all are humans
7) it is very difficult to change the other person, a better option is for you to change and be happy
8) the man who wins is the man who thinks he can
9) I believe in win-win policy
10) the harder you work the lucker you go
11) success requires calculated risk and planned consistent efforts
Don't do it...
Tell me not to do it... I've been thinking about it endlessly for days. I should not do it... I am not going to do it... if you tell me not to do it...
I wish I had never asked
I had been hoping that you had been missing me. Sometimes I am not as strong as I seem. You sent me postcards when you were overseas. I thought that it meant something. I was wrong.
I dared to ask you why you had sent the postcards. I hoped that you wanted me, thought of me, missed me, or loved me. I was wrong. You sent me postcards because I asked. I don't remember asking, but I don't doubt you.
I wish I had never asked for you to send the postcards.
I wish I had never asked why.
I dared to ask you why you had sent the postcards. I hoped that you wanted me, thought of me, missed me, or loved me. I was wrong. You sent me postcards because I asked. I don't remember asking, but I don't doubt you.
I wish I had never asked for you to send the postcards.
I wish I had never asked why.
My Home
Tonight I celebrate my home.
My home right now is in a tiny 2 bedroom flat. I have a small backyard that I constantly need to mow, a small front garden that I really should do more with. My home is my home, it is filled with the things that make me smile.
Some people view my home as somewhere to far from anywhere. It is ideal for me, it is close to work and close to everywhere I need to go. It is close to both train and bus to go to the city.
Some people view my home as a place that is empty of creative spaces. A place does not a creative space make. A creative space is creative because of the people that are in it. A creative spaces is creative because the people in it create.
Some people view my home as a place that they would rather not be. That is fine as this is my home. This is the place that I feel secure and comfortable.
No, my home is not trendy, but then neither am I.
Yes, my home could use some repair work, but then so could I.
My home is not brave because my heart is not brave. I am just a small country town girl. I moved to a new city and this place felt like home when I walked into it. This place was comfortable when I was searching hard for comfort.
My home by definition is my space. It is a space that I have invited people to share. If they don't like it, then they are more than welcome to leave. My home is my place for retreat, my place for solace and my place to come home to. When friends imply that my home is not good enough, they imply that I am not good enough.
It hurts me when they critise my home. This is where I choose to live. Where I have invited them to share. It hurts me as I have openly shared this space with them more than once. It hurts me more than they know.
All are welcome to come and stay in my home, but don't critise because it is a reflecion of me. Yes, I know that my home is not \their ideal... but remember that this is my home.
My home, my choice, my celebration...
My home right now is in a tiny 2 bedroom flat. I have a small backyard that I constantly need to mow, a small front garden that I really should do more with. My home is my home, it is filled with the things that make me smile.
Some people view my home as somewhere to far from anywhere. It is ideal for me, it is close to work and close to everywhere I need to go. It is close to both train and bus to go to the city.
Some people view my home as a place that is empty of creative spaces. A place does not a creative space make. A creative space is creative because of the people that are in it. A creative spaces is creative because the people in it create.
Some people view my home as a place that they would rather not be. That is fine as this is my home. This is the place that I feel secure and comfortable.
No, my home is not trendy, but then neither am I.
Yes, my home could use some repair work, but then so could I.
My home is not brave because my heart is not brave. I am just a small country town girl. I moved to a new city and this place felt like home when I walked into it. This place was comfortable when I was searching hard for comfort.
My home by definition is my space. It is a space that I have invited people to share. If they don't like it, then they are more than welcome to leave. My home is my place for retreat, my place for solace and my place to come home to. When friends imply that my home is not good enough, they imply that I am not good enough.
It hurts me when they critise my home. This is where I choose to live. Where I have invited them to share. It hurts me as I have openly shared this space with them more than once. It hurts me more than they know.
All are welcome to come and stay in my home, but don't critise because it is a reflecion of me. Yes, I know that my home is not \their ideal... but remember that this is my home.
My home, my choice, my celebration...
Life is all about celebration
Everyone needs to celebrate
Celebrate whatever makes you feel good
Celebrate your hair, your butt, your laugh, your eyes, your smile, your shoes or your thighs
Celebrate your imagination or your loyalty or your willingness to give all
Celebrate your past, your present and your future
Celebrate your past, your present and your future mistakes
Celebrate the little things that make you different
Celebrate your most secretive fantasies
Celebrate your choices - your job, your friends, your food, your mood
Celebrate the silence, the chaos
Celebrate your freedoms
Celebrate humankind
Celebrate ypi
Celebrate, simple but perhaps not that easy
Celebrate whatever makes you feel good
Celebrate your hair, your butt, your laugh, your eyes, your smile, your shoes or your thighs
Celebrate your imagination or your loyalty or your willingness to give all
Celebrate your past, your present and your future
Celebrate your past, your present and your future mistakes
Celebrate the little things that make you different
Celebrate your most secretive fantasies
Celebrate your choices - your job, your friends, your food, your mood
Celebrate the silence, the chaos
Celebrate your freedoms
Celebrate humankind
Celebrate ypi
Celebrate, simple but perhaps not that easy
Long Time Between Posts
So, it has been a long time between posts. In that time, I have had my birthday, celebrated Christmas and seen in the new year.
Sometimes things change and sometimes they don't.
This Christmas I spent with friends and family. There was a large amount of laughter and love. There was teasing and tormenting. There was way too much food. I really enjoyed the time that I spent with the friends and family that I live thousands of kilometres from.
This new year I thought of all the things that have happened in the last 12 months. I've thought of the hurts that have healed and the hurts that have not. I wonder about the wounds that become scars. I think of all the scars that make up me and my past. Some I remember fondly, some I remember with pain. I think of all th things that I want and the fact that some of them will not come true in the next 12 months. I think of the ones that will become true and all the things that this means for me. I think of my family and the wonderful joys that will come. I worry about the sorrow that may also come. Each time I go home, I dread that it will be the last time I go home and chat with my Nana. I dread that my next trip home will be to bury her. I am not ready to say goodbye to any more of my history. It will happen but I am not going to prepare for it.
I have a lot of dreams that I hope will come true this year. Some things are within my control. These are the things that I will take action on.
I don't do resolutions, because I always disappoint myself. We'll see if I am a stronger person this year. For all the things that I am and to all the things that I will be, I give thanks that I have seen 2007 in in health.
To good times, to good friends, to new adventures and old memories. May they all be balanced this year - for both you and me...
Sometimes things change and sometimes they don't.
This Christmas I spent with friends and family. There was a large amount of laughter and love. There was teasing and tormenting. There was way too much food. I really enjoyed the time that I spent with the friends and family that I live thousands of kilometres from.
This new year I thought of all the things that have happened in the last 12 months. I've thought of the hurts that have healed and the hurts that have not. I wonder about the wounds that become scars. I think of all the scars that make up me and my past. Some I remember fondly, some I remember with pain. I think of all th things that I want and the fact that some of them will not come true in the next 12 months. I think of the ones that will become true and all the things that this means for me. I think of my family and the wonderful joys that will come. I worry about the sorrow that may also come. Each time I go home, I dread that it will be the last time I go home and chat with my Nana. I dread that my next trip home will be to bury her. I am not ready to say goodbye to any more of my history. It will happen but I am not going to prepare for it.
I have a lot of dreams that I hope will come true this year. Some things are within my control. These are the things that I will take action on.
I don't do resolutions, because I always disappoint myself. We'll see if I am a stronger person this year. For all the things that I am and to all the things that I will be, I give thanks that I have seen 2007 in in health.
To good times, to good friends, to new adventures and old memories. May they all be balanced this year - for both you and me...
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