Without even trying, my thoughts seem to always lead back to you. I've received mysterious things from you. An email implying an impending phone call. A postcard from your overseas holiday. This had lead me to all sorts of thoughts and ideas.
This has made me run away from thoughts that I want to have, but thoughts I wish I could deny having. I think of you in the strangest places. I think of things that we have done, and places that we have been. Totally unrelated objects prompt thoughts of you and I wish that they would leave me alone.
I know that I am not an innocent when it comes to thoughts of you. I have sent the occasional email and the occassional message. I still love you and want you to still love me, but I don't see how this can go anywre. Some of the things that you need are non-negotiable.
I am tired of being alone, but I don't know if you are going to be the person who fill the void. If you are, I don't know if you should be the person who has that. I don't know what I am looking for, but if all you can offer is all that you have offered in the past, then it will not be enough and in 3 months or 3 years I will be here, in this same position again.
Each time that you give me an inch, I imagine you offering me a mile. I know and I don't know.
I have watched you walk away from me before. Each time my heart breaks, but each time you come around again, I take you in. It is a weakness in me that I can't seem to break.
I always imagine how good it will be. For me we have never been bad. You are the one who is not satisified with what is. You are the one who wants more but you are the one who does not want to give any more. You are the one who sees the problems, but you are not the one who is willing to share the problems and to work on them until they are solved or settled.
We always go on line this. We always have laughter and we always have tears. We always have memoriable moments but we also settle into a rut of comfortable things. There is no action, there is no change and no challenge.
Maybe the reason that I want you is for the challenge. Maybe the reason that I want you is because you are the only failure that I have never been able to accept. Maybe this never accept our failure because I never have felt that I have given it my all. Maybe if we required and took my everything I could accept the failure that we have had.
Maybe the problem is that I have never given everything because I have never felt that I deserved you in the first place. Maybe this is why I have always held something back. Maybe this holding back is also the reason that I continue to hold on.
Maybe this is why all thoughts lead back to you.