I'm starting to think that I am on an endless search for something that makes me feel important and valued. I don't even know where to start looking.
I don't have a job that drives me. At the moment I am just killing time, waiting for this temporay insanity to leave me alone. I don't even know where I will be going when it is done. The worrying thing is that I have no idea of what I want to do. How can I work towards anything when I don't know where I want that part of my life to go. This will eventually work itself out. I know that.
I don't have family commitments to amuse and entertain me. My family live thousands of kilometres away. This is my choice. I decided to move, because, at the time, I thought that I was moving towards something. I realise now that all I was doing then was running away from something or someone. Maybe both. Family will always be with me. I have always excluded myself, so distance is not an excuse. They love me and I love them, but we never really did fit together.
I don't have that someone special in my life to be moving forward with. I would like to have that, and maybe that is the something that I am searching for most. The problem is that I don't know where to start searching. Yes I can do the whole web thing, but sometimes it just seems like too much effort. Really the problem is that I don't know why anyone would want to be me when I would not want to be with me. That sounds pathetic and I know that I could do something about it, but why am I not driven to it.
I need to find something or someone to draw me out of the rutt that I have found myself with.
From the TV show Secret Life Of Me for a while I had the philosopy that there were 3 parts to life that needed to be balanced. Family, Love and Career. At the moment 2 of these seem to be in the crapper to some extent.
From a book that I read a while ago (and I am sorry that I forgot the name of the book) I might have the philosophy that life is made up of 5 balls. These balls are Health, Career, Love, Family and Integrity. Life is all about juggling these 5 balls and keeping them up in the air. It then went on to say that 4 of these balls are made of rubber while the other, Integrity, is made of glass. The rubber balls will bounce back if they are dropped, but once Integrity is dropped it shatters and can never be the same again. I have 3 of those balls in the air at the moment (Health, Family and Integrity). The other 2 balls have fallen and bounced away. Now I am searching to try to pick them up and add them to the juggle. I think I like this philosophy better.