I understand that you are concerned with the amount of time I am spending at work. I understand that you are concerned with the amount of myself that I am giving to work. I know that you are a little upset because others within my team don't commit to the same amount. I know that it is just a job, and that if I did not do it, then the company would not fall over. I know all of this.
You need to understand that work is the only thing that I have in my life at the moment that I can focus on. It hurts me when you are critical what I am doing, what I choose to do. At the moment my other outlets are not working for me. I am not shopping because I am trying to save. I cannot write because I have no inspiration and where it was once cathartic, it now pains me because all I write about is grey and bleak. I have problems finding a book that I want to read, I start something and then get bored. I have already watched too much tv and spent too much time in bed.
What do you propose that I do? I can't commit to any short courses because they all go over the time when I will be interstate. I can't just sit here and do nothing. Doing nothing makes me think of all the things that I don't have and some of the things that I will never have. I don't see my life becoming something that is sweet in the short term. I have no children. I have no pets. I have noone waiting for me, noone wanting me, noone needing me. I have nothing.
My family don't need me, though they love me dearly.
My friends don't need me, they all have others that they need. These friends have goals that they are working towards. They have partners waiting for them to come home or to come over, they have children or more on the way, they have wedding plans to make, houses to paint, trips to plan. Right now, my life is empty and work fills the void.
I know this is all pathetic. Remind me of this blog if I ever complain about the amount of time that I am working. It is the place where I draw my self worth. Don't take that from me because without it I am less than nothing.
I thought that you understood me better. I thought that you knew that work was always important to me. Work has been so important that I have moved interstate twice, away from my family. Work has been so important that I left my lover in another state. Work has been so important that I was not prepared to give up my work to try to save my relationship.
I have made so many decisions that have lead to my life as it is now. I would not change any of them. What I am doing is not wrong. I am not causing myself harm. I am not harming anyone else. If I was drinking a bottle of wine each night, or taking drugs, or hurting myself I could understand your concern. I'm not doing any of this. I am working. I am trying to see what other people see, so when this project ends, I have something that I can talk about. I need to work more than work needs me. I do know that I won't be changing what I do. I can't half do a job. It's my choice based on the way that my parents raised me. I don't regret it yet.
Why don't you tell me how I can become a better, more rounded person?
Why don't you tell me how to get the whole life/work balance when there is nothing in my life to balance out the things in my work?
Why don't you show me how to reduce the amount that I care about what I have said that I will do?
Why? Why not?