Tonight I am thinking of you. I have been thinking of you all day. You are part of the reason that I ran to work on my day off. You are the whole reason that I was still there at 7pm tonight. My last couple of days have been endlessly filled with thoughts of you.
I want to be in your life, but I am not prepared to make the sacrifes that you need. The sacrifices that we would need to have a chance. I cannot forget what you did to me. I cannot forget the way that you made me feel. I cannot forget the way that I hated me.
So tonight, I have sat and watched tv without taking it in. I have had 4 beers and am thinking about starting on my fifth. Alcohol does not help, it just makes me meloncoly. I could find heaps of busy things to do to allow me to deny that I am thinking about you.
I am missing you tonight more than usual. I am sick of painting on a smile when I hurt the most. Nobody wants you when you are down. I know that I would have friends around, they care. I don't want to be down any more.
I feel that I am settling for less, but I don't know what is more. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hide the way that I feel any more. I hide it from you by not calling, by not emailing, by not pushing for more. I hide it from friends with a smile, or a distraction. No one wants to hear of a broken heart that happened so long ago. I don't want to think of this broken heart.
I miss you, and you will never know. I miss you, and I don't want you to know. If you called tonight, I would be with you in a heartbeat. I want that, but I know that it is not good.
So on and on I continue, with this circular endless conversation. I want you but I don't want you. I want you to call, but I don't want to talk to you. I want to be with you, but don't want to give up what I have.
I hate when I think of you, of what we had, of what I have lost.