Not All I Am

Song that matches my feelings

I have found a song that matches my feelings, however all the details in the song are not the details of my feelings.

I have decided that I am going to meet you. I need to know what is going on. I know for me what I felt for you have never ended. I know that a lot of the images in my mind are memories from the past mixed with dreams of the future.

Who would have know how bitter-sweet this would be? I am nervous. I wonder if the future exists and if it does, will it turn out to be bitter or sweet or bitter-sweet?

Who knows what will happen? I know this - I wish nothing but the best for you. If I can't have you or the dreams based on the memory of you, I will find someone like you. I have to believe this.

It's about who you are, but it's more about how I feel when I am with you. It's about how you make me feel. I long to talk to you about this, but how can I when you have the power to devastate me again.

I don't know if this will be the same.

Someone Like You - ADELE

i heard that you're settled down that you found the girl and you're married now

i heard that your dreams came true guess she gave you things i didn't give to you

old friend why are you so shy ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it

i had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best for you two

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

you know how the time flies only yesterday was the time of our lives

we were born and raised in a summer haze bound by the surprise of our glory days

i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it

i had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best for you two

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

nothing compares no worries or cares regrets and mistakes they are memories made

who would have known how bitter sweet this would taste

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best of you

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

never mind i'll find someone like you i wish nothing but the best of you

don't forget me i beg i remember you said

sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead

Am I really going to do this?

Dear John

I have written "Dear John" letters to you before, but usually after you dumped me. Now we are talking and I'm confused.

I'm being totally painfully honest,ready commented on writing emails and deleting them before sending me another. Anyway, here it goes... I love you and always have. I loved you when we were together, I loved you even when I didn't like you and I loved you while we weren't in contact. However, I don't know if I am in love with you. I truely believe that this not knowing is a good thing. Now I know that loving you and being in love with you are two slightly different things. If we are to be together, I need to know that I, both love, and am in love with you. I don't doubt that I want you. I don't know what it will take for me to understand if I am in love with you. I don't think it is something I can decide the answer to without meeting up with you, If we started something more than friendship, more than friendship with benefits then I would have to fall in love with you. It has to be 100% to make all the angst and all the effort worthwhile.

I think that I need to have some ground rules, you may not need them but I do. I can't afford to become obsessive about you. This can't be like last time if it is going to be at all. I also can't be obsessive in my usual way until we both decide what should be or what won't be. So, I propose the following (which are open for discussion):

We talk once per week until a decision is made
We don't make a decison until we meet face to face

When I talk about making a decision, I think that there are a few. There is the decision not to move this any further forward than friendship, meeting is not a requirement.

I know that I need the following (which are not open for disucssion and are not about applying pressure for a quick understanding but about being open in regards to what I need):

I need to understand why we broke up to determine if I can change the things I need to so that I don't repeat my same mistakes
I need to understand your dreams and goals. I believe that you believe that in the past I stifled your goals and your dreams. I need to work out if I can be what you need me to be.

We have always been taught that one plus one equals two. What I want is a situation where one plus one equals one. This only happens when there is love.

Who knows what will happen? All you have to determine is what you have to lose. So, what have you got to lose?

Wishes for my niece

Beauty in all that she is and does

Love to warm her heart and yours

Hope for a bright and promising future

Joy every moment of every day

Peace and serenity now and always

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you

Happiness

Happiness is born of little things.

Roll your socks down and invite your friends over.

Middle age approaching

I have just realised that I am soon to middle aged. I am puzzled because the years went so fast, and the days so slowly.

What am I doing?

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. I was cleaning up my computer and reading through old emails - always dangerous.

The last post was found in an old email and seemed to strike a nerve. I couldn't stop thinking and of you and that resulted in me contacting you.

So you replied to my email and I replied to yours. After a few emails back and forth the phone call was made and we talked for 4 hours.

What am I doing? Am I prepared to be hurt again? Should I even think about this - do I dare go back?

I regret but I am thankful

I regret that I did not love you as you wished to be loved.
I regret all the things that I planned and never got to share.
I regret kissing you one moore time.
I regret not holding on tighter.
I regret not giving you the support that you needed.
I regret not challenging you to be more.
I regret that I had a negative effect on your life.
I regret the dreams that had started to form.
I regret not jumping in with both feet.
I regret that I have all of these regrets and more that I cannot find words to express.

Thank-you for all the things that you showed me, all the things that you taught me.
You broadened my world and expanded my horizons.
You helped turn me into a woman who appears to be confident and proud.
You showed me that I am worth more than I think I am.
You believed in more when I did not.
You supported me when I was fragile and you let me fight when I believed that I had no other choice.
Thank-you for sharing your family with me. They accepted me for who I was.
Thank-you for reconfirming how lucky I am to have friends who will support me even when they doubt the decisions that I have made.
Thank-you for loving me.
Thank-you for making me believe that I was beautiful and desirable.
Thank-you for all the little things that I will never be able to recount.
Thank- you for showing me the beauty that you saw in the world. For an instant I saw me reflected in your eyes and then I understood.
In the words of another - Thanks for the memories...

Airport Travel

Why does it seem that when you are on your way to somewhere, there are delays and the like? Travelling by plane is fast and easy. The waiting in airports is more difficult than it should be. An hour here and an hour there, it all mounts up. However it is an excellent opportunity to people watch.

I love to people watch. Sit at a computer and typing is not the most subtle way to people watch. The best way is to slip in some head phones, slip on a pair of sunglasses and watch the world go past. Listen in on the interaction of other people.

---

Strangers who get into interesting and weird conversations. Conversations that rarely take place between people who know each other. It's interesting to watch the approach. A stranger sitting at a table, eating a lunch. He is looking at the world around, making eye contact. She sits down and talks about her busy morning and the boyfriend she is flying to meet.

At this time of year, conversation turns to Valentines Day... Monday - not all that far away. She's a pretty young thing who exclaims that she has never had a boyfriend who has bought celebrated Valentine's day with her. Do you believe it? He picks at his lunch, while she is on the phone to her boyfriend. Delayed flights and chance meetings, make for interesting observation.

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The family man with his kids at in tow. An uncomfortable looking situation. The little girl is not too happy and falls to the floor screaming. He find the bright carousel with the children's books and finds three that will keep her interested. Fishing in his pocket for his wallet while he struggles with the girl under his arm, the young boy at his side and the books that you can see he is praying will keep their attention while they wait for the plane to leave or arrive.

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The young men, looking to waste the hours of delay by drinking overpriced beer in a waiting lounge while watching each other behave in more annoying ways as the day meanders along.

---

While I don't love waiting in airports, I do love watching people. It's an interesting and amusing way to while away the hours until I get to board the plane and wing it home.

Long time no post!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I've been thinking about this and that. I've been meaning to post for a long while, but the thought does not equate to a reality of blogging.

People from my past have been popping back into my life and then running back to where they have come from.

While I understand that some friendships come and go... I miss the people of my past.

I miss the friend who I shared so much, who walked away without a goodbye.
I miss my ex, who popped back to check that my family was okay after recent natural disaster.

What am I meant to be doing to move on with my life. Is there any such thing?

To Do List

Is it time for me to put me at the top of my to do list?

I can say that it is. It may take a couple of weeks for me to get to this point. But it is time for me to come first. It is time for me to put myself first.

This may mean many things over the coming weeks and months. This may mean many things for the rest of my life.

This may include time for fun, time of exercise, time to create, time to relax, time to reflect.

Drumming Class

I went to drumming class tonight and I love it. Who would have thought that beating a drum with the palm of my hands would work up a sweat?

It's fun. It's fun. It's fun.

I can't believe that I have to miss a week because I am going away. I am okay with this. But I think that I need to keep going and I think that I need to get a drum.

A year of hiding

It has been over a year since I have blogged. There is no excuse. I may have been working way to many hours, I may have been spending too long sitting on the couch and watching the TV, I may just have been hiding.

My life has not moved forward. I feel that I have been going through the motions, not changing, not growing.

I have cut off my hair and I need to make some serious decisions about what I am going to do and what I am going to do and what I am going to do. Will what I am going to do change who I am going to be?

I will no longer be waiting to see what is going to happen. I will make it happen. I am not going to wait. No longer. No longer. No longer.

A year of hiding is over. It starts with small steps - cutting my hair off is a start, drumming class on
Monday. Let's see what will become.

End of life

To become what we are capable of becoming is the only end of life. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Reality

There's nothign half so real in life as the things you've done... inexorable, unalterably done. - Sara Teasdale

Good Hearts

A good heart... is the sun... for it shines bright... and never changes... - William Shakespeare

Less is more.

Less is more. - Robert Browning

Unbreakable

To achieve great things we must live as though we were never going to die. - Marquis de Vauvenargues

Seasons

If winter comes, can spring be far behind? - Percy Bysshe Shelley

Beliitled ambitions

Keep away from people who try to beliitle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. - Mark Twain

The beauty within

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Alone

Those who would see wonderful things must often be ready to travel alone. - Henry Van Dyke

Time lost

Lost, yesterday, somwhere betweeen sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offerered for they are gone forever. - Horace Mann

Duty

In the time we have it is surely our duty to do all the good we can to all the people we can in all the ways we can. - William Barclay

Stressed

When things are steep, remember to stay level-headed. - Horace

Life

In this life we get only those things... for which we are willing to sacrifice. - George Matthew Adams

Busy

In a word, I am always busy, which is perhaps the chief reason why I am always well. - Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Easy

It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. - Aesop

Fate

Our grand business undoubtedly is not to see what lies dimly at a distance but to do what lies clearly at hand. - Thomas Carlyle

To play the fool

Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans: it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. - Horace

Admire

Admire those who attempt great things, even if they fail. - Seneca

Masterpiece

When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. - John Ruskin

The path

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. - Anatole France

Greatness

Be not afraid of greatness:
some are born to be great,
some achieve greatness,
and some have greatness thrust upon them.
- William Shakespeare

Principle v Taste

In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
In matters of taste, swim with the current.
- Thomas Jefferson

Don't turn back

From a certain point onwards there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. - Franz Kafta

Value

To get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with. - Mark Twain

Why Why Why

Just when I start getting on with my life, you pop back in. You don't say much, but it doesn't stop my imagination rushing off to what may be or more correctly, what might have been...

I think of all the things that have not been and will never be.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Not taught

The things we know best are things we haven't been taught. - Marquis de Vauvenargues.

Eternity

To see the world in a grain of sand
And heven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour. - William Blake

Breeze

It is our relation to circumstances that determines their influence over us. The same wind that carries one vessel into port may blow another off course. - Christian Bovee

Winning

If you think you can win, you can win. Faith in necesary to victory. - William Hazlitt

Complete

The reward of a thing well done is to have it done. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beauty

Nature is painting for us, day after day, pictures of infinite beauty if only we have the eyes to see them. - John Ruskin

Why? Why Not?

You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I drean things that never were; and I say "Why not?" - George Bernard Shaw

Life is short

The life given us by nature is short, but the memory of a well-spent life is eternal. - Cicero

Time's Value

Know the true value of time; snatch, seize an denjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. - Lord Chesterfield

Useless?

No on is useless in this world who lightens the burdons of another. - Charles Dickens

Busy?

It's not emough to be busy... the question is: what are we busy about? - Henry David Thoreau

Enthusiasm

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Steps

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Rare

All excellent things are as difficult as they are rare. - Benedict Spinoza

Glass half ???

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstance. - Martha Washington

Sunshine

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. - Sir James Barrie

Life's Pleasures

The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. - Walter Bagehot

Need

Let your boat of life be light, packed only with what you need. - Jerome K. Jerome

Wrong Way

No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back. - Turkish Proverb

Imperfection

Were we to love non who had imperfctions, this would be a desert for our love. - Thomas Jefferson

Life's Zest

All life demands change, variety, contrast - else there is small zest to it. - Mark Twain

Goals

Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see thier beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead. - Louise May Alcott

Mistakes

A life spent in makin gmistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing. - George Bernard Shaw

Beauty

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful...
Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower...
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Laughter

The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed, - Nicolas Chamfort

Own thoughts

What you think of yourself is myuch more important than what others think of you. - Seneca

Great Things

To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. - Anatole France

Missed Opportunity.

While we stop to think, we often miss our opportunity. - Publilius Syrus

Quality

Quality is not an act. It is a habit. - Aristotle

Why can't I just shut my mouth.

Why can't I just shut my mouth. I'm always talking, talking, talking. It's not that I tell secrets that I am meant to keep. All I do is keep telling too many details, telling too much truth. I am in discussions at work about turning my contract into a permanent position. Is it wrong if I am just interested in extending my contract?

How do I tell them this?

I can't tell them the following truths:
* I don't fit into their business
* There is no place for me
* I have been given promises and they never came to fruition
* I am bored and can't see the challenge change
* I don't agree with the direction of the business
* I can't wait until the project is finished so that I can move onto the next one
* There is nothing new for me to learn
* The business is !@#$ed

I probably should I tell them:
* That I want to see the project through to completion, but when that happens I'm not sure what I want to do.

Hmmm. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Wishes...

A poetic me - I wish for...
courage to chase my dreams,
challenges to enrich my life,
and knowledge to calm my soul...

An emotional me - I wish for...
laughter that comes easily,
tears that dry quickly,
and a love that is unconditional...

A materialistic me - I wish for...
a credit card that needs no payment,
a house that is a home,
and a holiday that lasts a lifetime...

A beauty queen me - I wish for...
world peace,
ending hunger,
and a cure to all disease...

A simplistic me - I wish for...
a spring in my step,
a song in my heart,
and a dollar in my pocket...

A dishonest me - I wish for...
nothing...

Why Do I Try... by Jann Arden

Love broke my heart
Love washed me out
Love made me sick
Love swallowed me
Love made me weak
Everything is bleak

Why Do I Try
Why Do I Try
Why

Love took my life
Love stole my pride
Love killed my dreams
Love made me mean
Love let me drown
Love led me on
Love is not my friend
Love is the end

Why Do I Try
Why Do I Try
Why

Love blinded me
Love took my glee
Love left me less
Made me confess
Love ended hope
Love stopped the show
Love broke it off
Love broke my heart

Why Do I Try
Why Do I Try
Why

Christmas

Well Christmas has now come and gone if a flurry of wrapping paper and beery cheers. I'm glad that it's come and glad that it's gone. I've yet to recover from the dash home, the crazy rounds of friends and relations, too much food, too little time and too much sitting around.

Each year I swear that I will act differently,a nd each year I act the same.

Today I was back to work. The office was half staffed, so the room was quiet and the workload was easy. Things got done but without the pressure and without the grind. The only bnad thing is that the coffee shops are all shut, so we had to make do with what we could find. Bring on the week after new years to return in the cafe scene around work.

Hope you all had a merry christmas. and that Santa missed me, so that he could deliver to you.

5 Sleeps To Christmas

Okay, there are only 5 sleeps to Christmas. It has been a while since I have posted, but I am happy to say that I have spent the time productively. I have all my Christmas purchases complete, I am almost packed and ready for the flight to my parents.

The sad think is that it is 5 days until Christmas, and I am simply tired. Very very very tired.

WORTHY

I am worthy.
I Am Worthy.
I AM WORTHY.

And I deserve more

Monday

It's Monday and I have the day off. My sister has flown down to visit. She's in the shower and we are about to go out and about. I love this town. It's still cold, but the day is going to be fantastic. We may find a few things to do, a few things to eat and a lot of things to see.

I have to go to work tomorrow and I really don't want to do that. However, I know that it is this work that allows me to afford the life that I love.

Hope that you are enjoying your day.

I'm just over it all

Okay, so today I am over it all.

I am over working. Over struggling on the project to bring the team up to speed. Over worrying about the solution not meeting the business requirements. Over the long hours and the late nights and the decreasing focus on quality to hit the date that has been requested.

I am over being something I am not. I've been trying to be more that I am. More patient, more honest, more open. It's backfiring on me. Personality faults that I have always had are coming back and haunting me. Yes, I am judgemental. Yes, I am stubborn. Yes, I am too proud. Yes, I expect too much. Yes, I am fast to laugh. Yes, I overthink almost every thing. I can't help it. I am trying to calm it all down and to turn it off. It is not working as people still see me with old eyes. This means that my new actions aren't seen for what they are. Supporting someone and being encouraging can be seen as taking the piss. Don't compare me to what I was. I have always been painfully aware of my personality faults, and I am now activley working on them.

I am tired. I am plain tired. I need to sleep and revitalise. I am tired of working hard. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being judged.

I just want to sit in the dark and cry. I can't do this as self pity only lasts in the light. If you take it into the dark, it shines and can't be fulfilled.

It's okay. I'll sleep, I'll recharge. The need to beat all challenges will return. It will return. It will return...

Facebook

I love facebook.

I want to put every person I know on facebook.

Smile

Smile.
You never know who is in love with it.

Smile.
A smile can lift the way you feel.

Smile.
Meeting a stranger's eyes in the street with a smile will often beget a returned smile.

Smile.
Sunshine on a cloudy day is a smile on a bad day.

Smile.
Start it small with the corner of your mouth and work up to including your eyes.

Smile.
It will be the smallest yet best investment you'll make all day.

Smile.
Life is too short not to smile as much as possible.

Smile.
I am smiling right now, for no reason, I just want to.

the five people you meet in Heaven

This has to be one of the best books that I have ever said. The book is by Mitch Albom.

From the back of the book:
"All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time..."
On his eighty-third birthday, Eddie, a lonely war veteran, dies in a tragic accident trying to save a little girl from a falling cart. With his final breath, he feels two small hands in his - and then nothing. He awakens in the afterlife, where he learns that heaven is not a lush Garden of Eden but a plae where your earthly life is explained to you by five people who were in it. These people may have been loved ones or distant strangers. Yet each of them changed your path forever.

Quotes from within.
"...there are no random acts. That we are all interconnected. That you can no more separate one life from another that you can separate a breeze from the wind... Fairness," he said, "does not govern life or death. If it did, no good person would ever die young... Look at the mourners. Some did no even know me well, yet they come. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should? It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. You say you should have died instead of me. But during my timeo n earth, people died instaed of me, too. It happens every day. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your colleagues falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of the whole..." Page 50-51

"Sacrafice is part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrafices. Big sacrafices. A mother works soher sone can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father. A man goes to war..." Page 97

All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like prisine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair. Page 109

This book saw me shedding tears. I was sitting on the train and sobbing softly. I love this book. Anything that makes me feel and anything that makes me think about my beliefs is a great book. This book is so good, I may even read it again... and that really says something.

The Final Cliches - "The Surrendered Wife" Part V

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. - Madeleine L'Engle

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. - Anonymus

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby

If you mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too. - Sue Grafton

People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Brendan Frances

Sometimes it is a great joy just to listen to someone we love talking. - Vincent McNabb

The first duty of love is to listen. - Paul Tillich

It's great to work with somebody who wants to do things differently. - Keith Bellows

That's enough, and enough is too much. - Popeye

The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me. - Sloan Wilson

Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain. - Leo Buscaglia

Oh, I'm scared all the same! I just act as if I'm not. - Katharine Hepburn

How unhappy is he who cannot forgi e himself. - Publilius Syrus

There's always room for improvement, you know - it's the biggest room in the house. - Louise Heath Leber

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. - Arnold Bennett

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living. - Gail Shelley

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

Rare is the personn who can weigh the faults of others without his thumb on the scal. - Byron Langfield

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. - Henry David Thoreau

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls. - Mother Teresa

We seldom attribute, common sense except to those who agree with us. - La Rochefoucauld

Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball. - Deborah Tannen

Politeness is the art of selecting amoung one's real thoughts. - Madame de Stael

Sucess in life consists of going from one mistake to another without losing enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Elenor Roosevelt

The art of love is largely the art of persistance. - Albert Ellis

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. - Aldous Huxley

To mature is in part to realise that while complete intimacy and omniscience and power cannot be had, self-transcendence, growth and closeness to others are nevertheless within one's reach. - Sissela Bok

Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. - M. Scott Peck

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao-tzu

Wise Words from "The Surrendered Wife" - Part IV

Knowledge of the self is the mother of all knowledge. So it is incumbent on me to know my self, to know it completely, to know it minutiae, its characteristics, its subtleties and its very atoms. - Kahlil Gibran

I cannot say whether things will get better if we change, what I can say is they must change if they are to get better. - G. C. Lichtenberg

All of us at certain moments of our lives need to take advice an to receive help from other people. - Alexis Cabrell

If a woman can only succeed by emulating men, I think it is a great loss and not a success. The aim is not only for a woman to succeed, but to keep her womanhood and let her womanhood influence society. - Suzanne Brogger

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything its cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more. - Erica Jong

Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us. - Rollo May

The married are tose who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible. - Carolyn Heilbrun

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. - Josh Billings

Remember This - "The Surrendered Wife" - Part III

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds wherever we go. - Martha Washington

There can be no defence like elaborate courtesy. - E. V. Lucas

The best care for anger is delay. - Seneca

You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. - Henry Drummond

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of being. - Goethe

Confidence is contagious. So is a lack of confidence. - Michael O'Brien

Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights, and see possibilities - always see them, for they're always there. - Norman Vincent Peale

It's better to have some questions that to have all the answers. - James Thurber

Each of us has his own little private conviction of rightness and almost by definition, the Utopian condition of which we all dream is that which all people finally see the error of their ways and agree with us. - S. I. Hayakawa

Fear is a little darkroom where negatives are developed. - Michael Pritchard

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him and let him know that you trust him. - Booker T. Washington

Nature is unfair? So much the better, inequality is the only bearable thing. The monotony of equality can only lead us to boredom. - Frances Picabia

We commonly confuse closeness with sameness and view intimacy as the merging of two separate "I's" into one worldview. - Harriet Lerner

Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. - Deborah Tannen

Wisdom from "The Surrendered Wife" - Part II

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. - Mahatma Ghandhi

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right - Confucius

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. - Kahlil Gibran

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection. - Buddha

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. - Bill Lemley

Some women work so hard to make good husbands that they never manage to make good wives. - Anonymous

The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want. - Ben Stein

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. - Orson Welles

The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes. - Jonathan Swift

There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity. - Douglas MacArthur

One does not toss out the gold because the bag is dirty. - Buddha

The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done us a small favour wish that he might have done you a great one. - Russell Lynes

Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else. - Andre Gide

I praise loudly, I blame softly. - Catherine II of Russia

The supreme happiness of life is he conviction that we are loved. - Victor Hugo

When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realise that my friends are my energy. - Anonymous

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. - Elbert Hubbard

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. - Dave Barry

Quotes from "The Surrendered Wife" - Part I

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence on becomes steadily the person one desires to be. - Anna Louise Strong

Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves. - Swami Vivekananda

Virtue herself is her own fairest reward. - Silius Italicus

One's mind, one stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. - Mum

Some people find fault as if it were buried a treasure. - Francis O'Walsh

We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists... in the loved one, perfection. - Sidney Poitier

Men are born to succeed, not fail. - Henry David Thoreau

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb man. - Erica Jong

When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the beaviour that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behaviour until he feels loved and accepted. - John Gray

I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the hear that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far. - Erica Jong

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama

Try to want what you have, instead of spending your strength trying to get what you want. - Abraham L. Feinberg

We are most deeply asleep at the switch when we fancy we control any switches at all. - Annie Dillard

The only thing worse than a man that you can't control is a man that you can. - Margo Kaufman

Wisdom is divided into two parts: (a) having a great deal to say, and (b) not saying it. - Anonymous

I often regret that I have spoken; never that I am silent. - Publilius Syrus

The Surrendered Wife

In summary - an interesting book with good basic ideas for a smooth relationship. A provocative title which is the only reason that I picked it up off of the shelf. A decent read with messages for a decent life.

I don't know if this is the most appropriate title. Part of me thinks that the title should be more like "The Empowered Husband". While I don't think that I will be applying to become a surrendered wife (I am not married, not even engaged to be married), I understand the attraction of the theory.

The Empowered Husband would also empower the wife. This book is not about becoming a doormat. This book is about reducing nagging, asking for help and letting go of control.

As a girl child, we are brought up to become independent self-succicent woman. We are taught that we can have it all, that it is just ours for the taking. This works well when are are alone and need to be independent. This is the time when we need to be doing things for ourselves and making all decisions. We have control because we must have control as there is no one to share the responsibility with. As we continue to live, we learn to work for ourselves, to think and to decide all of the things that need deciding. The problems come when we are no longer alone.

When we are in a relationship things change. We continue the way we are. We make decisions, we take control, we drive and have issues in letting go. This is not always a good thing. Traditional relationships and responsibilities have taken a back seat and disempowering genders causes problems.

The Surrendered Wife is about creating balance in a relationship. It's about ensuring a base for partners is a stable and satisfying one. By taking the chance to release control, a woman can step back from responsibilities. This in turn provides control to the man in the relationship. Letting go of the control puts the traditional role back with the traditional gender. This also provides an element of freedom.

The reduction of controlling behaviour only applies within the relationship. This enables life to continue, careers to be lifted and challenges faced. This book admits that we can't have it all by controlling it all. It allows us to focus and control in each element of our life except for our life-long partnership.

Realistically, this book talks about respect, taking care of oneself first, receiving gratefully, fostering friendships with women, expressing ones own desire, setting limits, admitting when hurt and listening for the message being said. It all sounds pretty simple, but even taking these things into a day will make a difference.

"The Surrendered Wife"

Well, time for a new tact. I am reading "The Surrendered Wife". Why? I don't know. Although, I think that there may be a heap of incorrect hype around this book. It does not seem (30 pages into the book) to be about surrender. It seems to be more about trust, and through trusting a partner. This then inspires/encourges them to be more because they want to be more to reward that trust.

I'll report back, but as I am a bit of a control freak, I believe that I need to trust more. Time will tell.

Love

I believe that we get the love we think that we deserve.

I believe that this is true in all things. Things with lovers, with family and with friends.

Tonight I am going to ensure that some of those I love understand that I expect more from them, that I deserve more from them and that I am not going to settle for less.

There are some who give us more love then we expect, more love then we deserve. These are the people that we need to cling to. These are the people that we need to love in kind.

WOW

Wow

It's been almost 2 months since I have made an entry. I have often felt the need to express my thoughts and feelings, but a lot of things are better left unsaid and a lot of things have changed in the last couple of months.

I've changed jobs and I've hooked up with my Ex. All in the last month, actually, all of this change has happened within the last 2 weeks.

Let's start on the new job... I have been bored for a little while at my old job. I was tired with pushing people to help me advance. I was tired with being told no or not now or later. I was tired of being a no one who cared too much doing things that few recognised. An old work collegue asked me for my resume, insisting that there was nothing was sure, but there was a job she knew I could do and thought that I would enjoy. I sent the resume and then had a period of mad rushes for interviews during cancelled work holidays and then the longest moments of nothingness. In the end after 2 interviews and 3 phone calls I was offered a new job, with a new company. I have a lot to offer, but the things that I will learn far outway the risk. After almost 10 years I said goodbye to the company, and a lot of the people I had worked with over this time and hello to something new.

Hooking up with the Ex... Well, between the old job and the new job I went home to visit the fam and the friends. It was a whirlwind holiday, but I made a point of meeting up with the ex. I needed to see him. My feelings, even after many tormented nights and extended conversations and blogs, had not moved on. So I decided that I needed to confront this things head on. When life is in change, more change is less intimidating. So we caught up for a late night coffee and then started talking about all the things that needed to be said. Little has changed. He is still going to need to be there and I am not prepared to move. I still want to be down here and he is not prepared to move. This means that we are going to try to have an exclusive relationship, long distance without being obsessive about each other. We will visit each other every so often, talk every now and then and email occasionally. Hopefully one day we will be able to be together. I know, I know. It's strange and non-conventional, but I want to be with him.

Anyway, I should go and do stuff.

Will post again soon.

To tell or not to tell

Sometimes to get something new, you must give up something old. Although I have known this forever, I never really admitted the truth of this. I've been holding on to the love that I have felt for you. I thought that you are the person that I was meant to be with. I thought that you were my soul mate. I have said that we would never be together again. I have said that to myself a million times and to others when they had asked. I have said this even when I did not believe that it was true.

I am now ready to give it all up. I once told you that I believed that we would be together one day when the weather was fine. I am no longer strong enough to hold on to this belief. I am tired of waiting, tired of longing and I can't do it any longer.

I always prided myself on honesty, but I have been dishonest with you and with myself. I told myself that I just wanted to be friends with you. That I just wanted to see that you were doing well. The truth was I still loved you. I always had and feared that I always would. I wanted to ask you if there was any chance for us to be together. I wanted to ask and for you to tell me yes or no. But I never asked. If you had said yes, I would have been scared and lost. If you had said no, I would have be sad and lost.

I have spent a significant amount of my life deluding myself. I don't know why we broke up. I had a large amount of impact into this, but I didn't understand my part. I didn't understand what I needed to do to improve me. I didn't know what I could have done to stop it. I thought that if I did what you wanted, I would be what you wanted. I was not...

I wanted to ask you if you ever thought about how life could have been if we had made different decisions. I had thought about us being together. I wondered if we were together still would you be down here, studying to become a teacher at Monash, living with me, loving with me, learning with me. Together. Maybe I would have moved back to Queensland. Maybe maybe maybe.

I still thought about us. I thought about the things that we did. I thought about the places we had been, the meals that we had shared and the memories we'd created. I missed you. I missed the scent of you, the feel of you and the taste of you. I missed sharing my life with you, my triumphs and tragedies. I missed curling up into you and waking up with you. I missed the way that you made me feel when we were together. I missed the excitement that you brought to my life. I missed your voice and the lectures that you'd always give. I missed kissing you, loving you and holding you. I felt that I couldn't give up on us because I didn't know if I'd given 100% of me to us. I didn't know if you'd given 100% either. I questioned if I held back because you held back. Maybe we were both concerned with being hurt and focused on protecting ourselves. Maybe this ensured that we were hurt because we could do nothing but fail.

I longed for your touch, for your taste, for you. I missed dressing for you, I missed impressing you, I missed surprising you. I have been jealous of things and of people and wished myself with you. I cannot afford to be jealous of a life and of a love that I don't have. I can't look at pictures and long myself there. Through various decisions we have both chosen to not be with each other. These decisions may have been based on pride, on protection, on fear. It doesn't matter what made them, all that matters is that they existed.

I no longer will allow myself to think about it.

I was worthy of your love. I was not deserving of the things that happened. I did not deserve to have my heart broken by you twice. I should not have let you do it. I am the person that I am today because of it. To date, I have not learnt from my mistakes. This changes now.

I was worthy of your love and I am worthy of love in my future. I deserve to have someone to spend my life with. I deserve happiness. I am not going out looking for it, but I will no longer hold myself back from it. To find something new, I must give up something old. I will never stop loving you, but I can no longer afford to hold your love in my hands. With my hands full, I cannot reach out to find new love. I can still love you but can no longer be in love with you.

I will forever be thankful for your love. I will forever remember the times we had, and the things that we did. You did not want to be my love and I will no longer hold on to a love that is not wanted. Now it is time to break my promise to love you forever. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to be lonely and if I can't be with you then I must be with someone else. Many years have passed since I thought of myself as free. For years I have always wanted you, even when I would not admit it. I cannot keep dreaming of something that will not come true. I cannot and it hurts to give up on something that has been my everything. I need to exist outside of all of this. I need to find someone who wants to be with me, I need to find someone who wants to build a future. One day I want to be married and to have children. I want to find my someone to grow old with, someone who will share my triumphs and my tragedies.

I hope that we will still be friends but I cannot continue to believe in the dream that you will love me as I need to be loved. I have lost too much already.

Demand nothing and give all.

Failure is an opportunity. If you blame others, there is no end to blame. Fulfill your obligations, correct your mistakes. Do what you need to do and step away. Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.
Demand nothing and give all. Demand nothing and give all.

do and you won't

Stand on your toes and you won't stand firm. Rush ahead and you won't go far. Try to shine and you'll extinguish your light. Try to define yourself and you won't know who you are.

with and without

Act without doing, work without effort, thikn of the large as small and the many as few. Confront the difficult while it is easy, accomplish the great one step at a time. Don't reach and you will find, if you run into trouble throw yourself toward it. Don't cling to comfort and everything will be comfortable.

Earth, Fire, Wind and Water.

Be as careful as crossing frozen water, alert as a warrior on enemy ground. Be as courteous as a Guest, as fluid as a stream. BGe as shapeable as a block of wood, as receptive as a glass. Don't seek and don't expect. Be patient and wait until your mud settles and your water is clear. Be patient and wait. Your mud will settle. Your water will clear.

If you want...

If you want to shrink something, you must first expand it. If you wish to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you must allow it to be given. The soft will overcome the hard. The slow will beat the fast. Don't tell people the way, just show them the results.

ANZAC Day

Some see ANZAC Day as a celebration of war. I don't see it this way. I see ANZAC day as way of respecting the memory of those who have been to war, of those who did not return and of the families of all involved. It is out day, the one day that Australians take time out to remember thos who sacrificed so much for our freedom.

I want to thank those who died for what I now am able to enjoy. This is why I get up early and go to the dawn service every year. For the whole time that I am at the service I have goosebumps.

I spare more than a lingering thought for those who were the enemy. I know that they also lost, so I remember their sacrifice as well.

I know that I am blessed to be Australian. I know it, and today confirms it for I have the freedom to express my thanks as my own personal tribute.

All knowing, all seeing...

Knowing other people is intellegence, knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power. If you realise that what you have is enough, you are rich truely rich. Stay in the center and embrace peace, simplicity, patience and compassion. Embrace the possibility of death and you will endure. Embrace the possibility of life and you will endure.

May the World belong to me soon...

What is more important, fame or integrity. What is more valuable, money or happiness. What is more dangerous, success or failure. If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy. Be content with what you have and take joy in the way things are. When you realise you have all you need, the World belongs to you.

Wise words

What is rooted will grow. what is recent can be fixed. What is brittle will break. Prevent trouble before it finds you, put things in order before they exist. The giant tree grows from a single seed. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. If you rush, you'll fail. Hold on to things too tight and you'll lose them. Take action by letting action come to you. Rmain as calm at the start as at the finish. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. Desire to not desire, learn to unlearn. Care for nothing and you will care for everything.

Lovor and Lovee

In a relationship there is always a lovor and a lovee. In real relationships this changes between the two involved.

Someone always does the chasing, the other one hangs off.

The one that chases, that always gives in is addicted to the love.

The one that hangs off is the one with the power. This power, in itself, is also addictive.

Does love or the addiction keep them together?

What happens when the one or both of things move away?

In the end, it is all about control. This control can be gained by smiles, or silence, or sometimes violence. Control is the mathematics of love. The mathematics helps determine who is the lovor and lovee. One is only part of the equation. Both together, the lovor and lovee, may make love.

Failure

Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else you will never stop blaming. Fulfill your own obligations, correct your own mistakes. Do what you need to do and demand nothing of others.

It is said that the path into light is dark.

It is said that the path into light is dark. That the path forward is backward. That true power seems wak, that true purity seems tarnished, that true resolve seems changeable, that true clarity obscure. The greatest art is unsophisticated, the greatest love indifferent, the greatest wisdom childish.

If...

If you want to be whole, you must first be partial.
If you want to be straight, you must first be crooked.
If you want to be full, first become empty.
If you want to be reborn, you must first die.
If you want everything, give everything up.
If you don't display, people will see your light.
If you have nothing to prove, people will trust you.
If you don't try to be something, people will see themselves in you.
If you don't have a goal, you will always succeed